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A Poem by Brett Forsythe
"

I wrote this for my ex-girlfriend who I still love.

"
Previous Version
This is a previous version of Home.



I see the way they walk, side by side,

Their bodies in sync, stride for stride,

I remember we used to be like that,

The days we appreciated what we had, 

My mistakes would disappear,

With my open eyes and my conscience clear,

I refuse to stop and just give in,

So for now I continue to pay for my sins,

It hurts me when I see your name,

Knowing that I’ve caused you pain,

I remember we used to be like that,

How I’d give anything to go back,

To when the days were long and the worries were few,

When I said I loved you, you’d repeat it through,

Regardless, I will wait for you,

For all this life and the next one too,

Going back to when we had it all,

It’s scary how fast the good can fall, 

I would give the air I breathe,

For you to look and just believe,

Believe in me, believe in us,

So we can start rebuilding trust,

From the water in between our toes,

Releasing stress within our souls, 

Escaping to where no one knows,

That place where we could be alone,

Laughing hard until we cried,

Our hearts and love still intertwined, 

I’ll take your hand and you take mine,

As we work our way back in time,

To when I was yours and you were mine,

Saving me from a helpless kind, 

With a broken heart I’m here alone,

In this place that’s not my home, 

A fork in the road, which way to go?

I asked for guidance but nothing showed,

I’ll spend my years searching for you,

On these lonely roads I’m determined to,

I remember we used to be like that,

If you could, would you go back?

I need you now and this I know,

Because in your arms I found my home,

No matter the odds, I won’t give up,

The slightest chance for me is enough,

You’re a perfectionist while I’m hardly perfect,

Does this mean that I’m not worth it?

You loved me once, why not again?

For you, my love, were my best friend.

© 2011 Brett Forsythe


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Author's Note

Brett Forsythe
Constructive criticism or comments are greatly appreciated, thank-you! :)



Reviews

Oh Dear! (: You did indeed take my suggestions! :) I'm glad I could help, thanks for putting a smile on my face today, it brightens what was a terrible day and I thank you.

Now to business! ;) Lol, well. The poem does indeed flow better. Quite honestly, I love this version. There are a few minor errors, but those don't really mess with the poems rythm and flow, or quite frankly, it's beauty. Great work, congratulations on creating a piece I can relate with. I read your profile, and I know that telling you I can relate to this poem, will brighten your day. :) So, I thank you.

Posted 13 Years Ago


Thanks to the ideas and tips I revised this. Hope you guys like this version better. I tried to make it flow and have a bit more emotion as well as ease up on forced rhyming.

Posted 13 Years Ago


This one is good too, a little forced in some areas, but I have a few suggestions:
think about trying these--
changing the line "the days we appreciated what we had" to when we appreciated small things like that, changing the line "How I'd give anything to go back" to How I'd give to just go back, changing "...and the worries few" to the worries few, and changing "I'll take your hand and you'll take mine" to I'll take your hand if you take mine.

Those are a few suggestions, please don't hesitate to aske if you have an inquiries. And I really love the ending line, its great.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 13 Years Ago



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22 Views
2 Reviews
Added on April 30, 2011
Last Updated on April 30, 2011

Author

Brett Forsythe
Brett Forsythe

Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada



About
I'm Canadian born and raised. Most of my pieces of writing are going to be about heartbreak and/or family. I was born in 1991 and been through a few major life changing scenarios in my life and have c.. more..

Writing