^ STATIC ^

A Collaboration Write~By Fran Marie and A.J. Smith

 

                              Static    
   
Static blared from the radio as we fought that night.
He had ragged me out with raw words
as bitter as acid rain
and the room grew darker with each hurtful word.

My God, what happened to us, to me, that night?
I wounded her with poisonous words
From where did they come?
I could see the pain I inflicted reflected in her eyes

I had no idea why we were fighting, yet again.
I've always given him free range in our marriage.
Perhaps for some reason I just didn't understand.
 
Where once we sought understanding with respect
we now diverged along our separate, lonely paths
our souls no longer in tune, lost in white noise

Nevertheless, I clung to the remote chance that
one day we just might get it right
and refresh our relationship, just for the
record and rub out this constant static

I long for our wavelengths to connect once again
returning to our sweet harmony
But I have lost my way,withdrawing farther
in distance from her and the stillness
between us is disconcerting

yet here we sit opposite one another
in silence so deafening, hammering at my heart
If only he would open up to me
share his emotional solitude ~telling me
his thoughts, his fears doesn't he know
I would understand and comfort him
 
 
The volume fades on us
and I am not sure
we can retrieve what has ebbed away
leaving us together
yet so alone

Has our  love died?
I fear it has and all
that remains are tattered torn hearts
with remnant silhouettes
 of two tarnished souls

Author's Note

Fran's Stanzas are 1,3,5,7,9
A.J.'s Stanzas are 2.4.6.8

Reviews

[Robert Luna]

You guys did a wonderful job on this. It is such a vivid picture your words paint. I really enjoy this and wish you tons of luck with the contest. I always love to see two writers come together so flowingly and to create art such as this.


Great Job!!!!!!

[R J Askew]

great tension...quite sad also...had me thinking venus vs mars thoughts throughout. It is terrible when love ends in a bout of mutual hurt, but how else can it end.......slowly over many, many years. Which is the better ending? I especially like the final verse here because of the stresses on the letter T ... also torn and tattered convey the image... but maybe there is also something sharp about the T sound which shows up at the front of words and within them. I dunno what it puts me in mind of ... is it a snare drum at an execution? or a machine gun finishing the relationship off? either way the T sound does not seem loving and warm, but harsh ............ have just realised there are Ts in the title too...and that static makes a kind of unpleasant crackling sound!

[Poeticpiers]

a well composed spil which illustrates all too well the breakdown of communications between a couple.Once that is gone it is almost impossible to re establish contact because of the static generated by resentment and hurt

[E. M. Murren]

Really beautiful work. Your collaboration brought out wonderful things in both of you. I like this a lot. Bravo.

[George Love]

Nicely done

[Phill Oz O'fee]

Squaring off sometimes brings results, if the air is cleared and truths revealed can constructively meld two hearts. But it looks as if an impasse has damped spirits and left few options open.

A wonderful joint effort, proving like minds can act as one. Unlike the couple portrayed in this fascinatingly poignant composition.

God's Blessing
Phillozofee

[Cold Coffee Magazine]

You've casty a spotlight on some of the more hurtful aras of a break up or the time before a break up. Acid emotions that can turn a stomach sour and leave you drained of energy and tears, those are the things this piece reminds me of. A great look from two different points of view.
Awesome job to both of you.

Dave

[Damian Alan Gray]

All told, you both did a wonderful job on this piece. You two hit on a painful subject to which so many of us can relate. My only criticism is that it reads more like a broken journal entry than it does a poem. Otherwise, the emotional release was enticing and it kept my interest to the end.

[Megan Wylder]

I reallly loved this piece. You guys did great. You could really feel the tension between them. Great Write!

[Beautifully Tragic xPoe..]

Wonderfully written, you two work great together - it really comes out in this piece.


Great Write

[DarkAngelWriter]

You two...wow. Two of my favorite writers on the cafe collaborating on the same piece. It's heaven :)