Drizzle In Doncaster

Waiting, soaked to the skin, no room in the shelter

for that miserable little bus, the nation's little helper

to pull you out from this day of grey

this dreary alternative to the Book of Revelations

Judgement is the cold, studied drizzle

and the silent resignations

that this is life and this is real

and this is God's way.

Heading home on the bus-seat, slithering damp against your legs

the reeking scent of sweat from humanity's dregs

him coughing, her sneezing, anonymous wheezing

recovering from existence and another day of business

longing for the fire-side and little kettle boiling

the closest you will come to Biblical forgiveness

thus, the only Heaven that you can imagine

this, the only Hell you know, numbing and freezing.

And once upon a time, in your cosy teenage room

the rain beat on the window like a heartbeat on a womb

foetally-curled, warmed against the world

the false, loving sense of your own security

dreaming from your bed to adolescent tunes

callow be thy name in your wistful immaturity

but innocence is bliss one day

the next, to be unfurled.

And as you smear the condensation to peer through dirty glass

and crack a smile at the smutty world and filthy blurs that pass

you think all God can teach you is how to survive

not how to kick and not how to thrive

but to buckle and bend

and just stay alive.

Reviews

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

Oh!!!..now this was so so good,I am in awe..the stanza that i just adored..
And once upon a time, in your cosy teenage room
the rain beat on the window like a heartbeat on a womb
foetally-curled, warmed against the world
the false, loving sense of your own security
dreaming from your bed to adolescent tunes
callow be thy name in your wistful immaturity
but innocence is bliss one day
the next, to be unfurled.
I liked the entire stanza,but undoubtedly the line that is going to linger on my mind long after this read has to be the rain beat on the window like a heartbeat on a womb..now that is one very very well thought out phrase,so lovely and so tender...
There is something so strong,so subtly melancholic and yet so undeniable about those words.How innocence has a small shelf life..unless we are happy to have a semblance to an ostrich,with its head in the sand.I liked the way there was an apt break in the lines,but innocence is bliss one day
the next, to be unfurled.
Your poem stands out as whole and also as single words and phrases for everything is so perfect and chosen with such care.

[Ryan Falzon - Tymon]

A great piece my friend as always. I think this poem shows the dullness of everyday adult life, and compares it to the adult life we imagined in our teenage years. The poem also mentions the aspect of god, but I feel a slight sign of atheism, correct me if I'm wrong, as I think in this poem, God and the bible is seen as a metaphor, and dismissing the idea of both a hell and a heaven, the poem still says that "God" which I think the poem is meant to represent the bible stories, teach us day-to-day skills for us to survive in this world. As most of your poems are, this piece shows the reality of life over the often imagined ones. a 100/100 and an add to favorite! A great work! You should think about publishing.

[Abdul Aziz]

One of the aspects of your poetry I really envy is your ability to voice your opinion without once sounding didactic. The force of your voice really comes through in this poem. Aided, of course, by some spell binding imagery. Really riveting.
The title made me think this write would belong to a wholly different genre, but you have applied your own style to this poem.

"him coughing, her sneezing, anonymous wheezing"
"the closest you will come to Biblical forgiveness
thus, the only Heaven that you can imagine
this, the only Hell you know, numbing and freezing."
Are all great lines.

And the line everyone has pointed out, ofcourse.
"the rain beat on the window like a heartbeat on a womb"
But no one seems to point out the next line, which is a brilliant extended metaphor. The whole stanza is one big extended metaphor. I like how you talk about "teenage", "womb", "adolescent" and "immaturity" in the same stanza.
"callow be thy name".. the irony is palpable.
And the conclusion, as always is perfect.
Awesome, man!

[just rose.]

I got it. Finally. All this flitting about through the classical canon that just makes you laugh or scoff when I mention it, but ... you're like Byron. All your stuff is so epic and so precisely detailed that it belongs arranged in volumes, leather-bound, with that beautiful paisley silk interior and built-in bookmark, you can sit with your poems for hours and tease them apart, or just read them through and go, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" either way you can see how the words, so carefully chosen, gather to form a view of the world that is precise, incisive, decisive and transforming.

[Fran Marie]

And as you smear the condensation to peer through dirty glass
and crack a smile at the smutty world and filthy blurs that pass
you think all God can teach you is how to survive

The harsh realities of life are all so real and so well expressed within
this poem the struggle to just survive is an effort ~indeed;
this an amazing piece of work from beginning to end....

[Antonio Valentino]

You are a poet who I truly admire.

This was brill!

Two middle verses were poems of their own.
Amazing work.

Antonio.

[KatiePie]

Um.. Talented much?! ^______^
This completely blew me away, I was seriously at the edge of my seat the entire time! I love this. It's filled with knowledge and wisdom, and to me learning is extremely boring, but if I had to learn every little thing for the rest of my life through your writing, I'd be very very happy to get up and live every day of my life learning and growing. I adore the concept of this, about how just staying alive is an adventure all on it's own, and that it really doesn't need the trials that people often create for themselves along the road. Beautiful write. I loved it! You open eyes :)
-Cathrine.

[Alicante lullaby]

i adore the way you portray these feelings when one is just tired roaming around this hollow,decayed world...

[Ed Hart]

aren't we having fun, at the expense of reality; but you do it with a certain élan

[miSS LEaf]

What i love from this poem is how precise your line breaks are.. I like the contents; the rhythm made me read by lips (an automatic hint for me that indicates whether i'll like a poem or not)
I don't know if you've ever read Glyn Maxwell, an English poet~ this poem made me think of his works.
My fav line: "the rain beat on the window like a heartbeat on a womb". Wow!