Part One Running Blind Chapter One. A Knife in the Dark

While training on a distant planet, Jenna is attacked and defends herself. But in the fight she stabs a Patrol officer. In order to save herself, she gos on the run.

Eyes flicking from side to side, the woman strode swiftly and silently down the darkened alleyway while still avoiding an attention getting run. The once smart pants suit glistened oddly under the flickering lights but the athletic, dark haired and brown eyed woman paid no attention to the blood or the sight she would have presented to others; her mind was on other matters, like how could she get off this planet before she was arrested and sentenced to death.

Stopping at the corner of the building on her left, she carefully scanned the street ahead, empty at this the twenty third period, and just across the way the entrance to the student’s residence. All seemed normal but Jenna of Christos knew better than to trust just her eyes or her ears. Unfortunately, she had nothing else to hand that she could depend on. Her eyes flicked over to the side entrance. It had three advantages she thought, first, it is closer and second, I know the override code. Last, there is no manned desk. Taking a deep breath, Keep calm, she forced herself to walk across the street to the side door and open it.

Now in the well-lit hallway, the splotches of blood clashed starkly with the leaf green of her clothes. Turning to her right, she darted up the stair and swiftly passed three doors before reaching her room. Using her student code, she opened the door and slipped inside. Only then could she relax slightly and collapsed onto a chair, taking her first real breath since the attack.

She could recall the fraction her life changed, the shocked look on the female patrol officer’s face as the blade sunk deep and the blood spurted onto Jennas hand and clothes. The metallic clang as the dropped knife hit the hard road. How fast had it all happened! The thought seared Jennas mind but with the stoic acceptance bred into her and reinforced by the instructors at the sacred Temples that all the girls of Christos attended, Jenna knew that she had to move, now. Going over what had happened would come later.

Shedding all her clothes and grabbing a shower was the work of a brief fraction. Was that my face came as she caught a glimpse in her mirror. Now dressed and cleansed of blood, she grabbed spare clothes, stuffing them into her emergency back pack. Travel light, she remembered from her early training. She took a quick mental inventory of the room, coming to the conclusion that she had no other weapon available that she could carry openly except for a small folding knife. Always useful was the thought as it was slipped into the hip pocket of the athletic exercise outfit she had donned. Her short sword, a deadly weapon, went into her backpack, it was too conspicuous to carry openly. Carefully she opened the rooms’ door slightly. While the corridor was empty, the sound of voices alerted her to the imminent arrival of others. Without taking a breath, she noiselessly took the few steps to the rear stairwell and started down, snatches of conversation followed her:

“Did you see the look ...?”

“… never thought she could move so fast …”

“Glad I got away …”

“I missed the whole thing, what …?”

At the exit, the override code again opened the door without the alarm sounding, it was a voice that stopped her.

*********

“Jenna, what happened?” Jenna knew the voice. It was Lu Cener, one of the other student pilots, not a friend, women from Christos didn’t seek or want friends, either male or female, from other planets. They were a very private, reserved people.

A stride had Jenna at Ceners side, hand covering Lus mouth. “Quiet and listen.” Jenna hissed. Slowly she removed her hand. Lu nodded, her eyes wide.

“You saw me and you couldn’t stop me. You tried to talk but I wouldn’t listen. Don’t lie, the patrol will be here very soon. I have to go.”

Before Jenna could slip past Lu into the dark night Lu grabbed both her arms, “No, Jenna, I saw what happened; you were attacked by three men and defended yourself!” She hissed in emphasis. “I was a witness and I can testify!”

 Jenna stared, Lu Cener was usually a quiet girl and most of the other students considered her a bit of a wimp. Surprised at the forthright display, Jenna looked at the stocky girl with new found respect.

“It was an accident,” Lu insisted, “You can claim self defense. The police know about the other incidents, they investigated and concluded you acted in self defense. Your planet can protect you as well!”

Jenna stiffened, her body rigid. “No they won’t,” Jenna whispered as she pulled away from Lu.

“But they will, they have done it before, I have seen it.” Lu protested.

“Not this time.” Jenna turned back to the door. “I have to go,” she whispered. Again Lu stepped between her and the door, blocking Jenna from leaving.

“Oh Jenna, what are you not saying?”

Jenna paused, she had been well trained in many fighting skills, from the use of knives and swords, to powered weapons and hand to hand combat, so she could easily move Lu out of her way, but she couldn’t, not this time. Lu was just too nice and a little naive. She sighed, what she was about to say, although not common knowledge, wasn’t a secret.

“Christos won’t protect me Lu. Christos will want me back to put me to death for killing one of our own.” She stopped and stared at Lu. “I knew the patrol officer, she was from Christos.”

Taking a step back Lu stared as the words sunk in, her mouth forming an ‘O’ in shock.

“Even if they believe it was an accident, if the patrol woman dies I will be put to death for striking one of our own. Even if she lives I will be dealt with harshly, you see, for Christos women, it is forbidden for any of us to strike one another.” The starkness of the words was matched by the look in Jenna’s eyes, “My only option is to get off the planet.”

Lu did not block Jenna this time but stepped aside, just looked miserable but understanding as Jenna slipped through the door and vanished into the night.

*********

For a brief fraction Lu stood and looked out the glass in the window cut into the door. What should I do now? The thought ran around inside her head. Coming to a decision she turned around and resolutely walked down the corridor. Her room was close by but she didn’t go there, instead she walked back to the main entrance and nodded at the security guard on duty as she walked out of the dormitory, getting a bored nod back. It wasn’t unusual for these adult students to come and go at all hours. They were expected to be mature enough to show up for instruction on time or suffer the consequences.

Walking along the street, she came to an all-night eating café that she had eaten at before. Ordering a drink she took a seat in a booth and pulled out her comm, she thought I might as well do some work and study. Her plan was simple, she would stay away from the dorm for as long as possible to give Jenna a head start. It helped that the next day was a day off. Her head bent as she took in the words flowing across the holograph screen.

A couple of thoughts crossed her mind, Will I ever see Jenna again, was followed by, I never told how much I admired her.

*********

Jenna’s immediate goal was the secondary transportation center, it was to the north west of the city proper. At least two period’s travel by ground vehicle, but public transport was too risky, so if she could catch a ride on an unmanned auto mover taking cargo there, she might have a chance. Jenna knew that this center catered to the free traders, those who operated separately from the big companies and usually carried smaller cargos for higher prices and no questions. While their informal motto was “Law ends at the atmosphere,” they usually tried to steer clear of upsetting the Empire whose response would be lethal even though their sovereign, known as The Dark Lord, had been absent for almost a thousand years.

But first, she had to get there.

And that was why she was heading due west, across town to a small shipper she knew of. Catching a ride on one of their automatic carriers, all the movements of cargo would be preprogramed and left to the computers, would be easier than breaking into a larger, more security conscious firm with better security. There was an added benefit, it was close enough to reach on foot.

Putting on a pair of night vison glasses and slinging her pack on her back, she began to openly jog towards her goal. Better audacity then trying to stay inconspicuous Jenna thought. It was still not a period since her terrible mistake. I was sure that whoever grabbed me was one of the hit men hired to kill me in retaliation for that rich man’s son. I never thought that it was one of the patrol. Jenna managed a smile as she waved at a passing man and woman, each riding their own physically operated, mobile transporter with a single wheel. She shook her head as they passed, idly wondering why they would chose to exercise in such a manner.

Jenna passed more people than she expected to and reached her objective sooner, some of the people out on the streets actually helping her by informally pacing her and encouraging her to keep it up when she or they parted ways. But finally she arrived at Grambals Star Traders.

Some would say go to the back security fence, Jenna smiled to herself even as she took a deep breath and controlled her breathing. But I know a better way. Going to the business next door, one of many repair companies operating in this area, she disabled the perimeter alarm by creating an untraceable short circuit. This allowed her to climb up the side of the building using decorative hand holds unthinkingly provided by the buildings contractor, to get what she needed, access to the roof. A security guard would soon be there but she would be gone, leaving no trace behind. The alarm would be reset and a malfunction would be documented.

The two buildings that made up the Main officers of both the business were within four meters of each other, an easy jump for the athletic Jenna, even with the need to clear the top of a security fence extending a meter above the roof line. But that was not the difficult part, which would be landing softly enough so that no other alarms would be activated. Her breathing back to normal, she rose carefully to her feet, using her night vision glasses to carefully scan in all directions.

Taking a deep breath, Jenna paced off the distance she felt that she needed to make the jump, removing the glasses as she did so. Finding that the office roof gave her barely enough, with a grimace and last swift look around, she encouraged herself with a Lets go and exploded into a sprint. Giving everything that she could into the jump while still retaining control, Jenna launched herself into the air. Landing on the office roof of the trading company, she crouched and looked carefully around. This roof was somewhat higher than the one she had just left and she had a slightly better view. As she moved to what she wanted, an access hatch to the warehouse about halfway to the rear of the building, an air vehicle appeared, coming in low from the north.

Damn, she thought. That security company must have had a vehicle close by. I’m going to have to be careful.

Keeping as low as possible Jenna felt around the edge of the roof access, seeking the location of the switch that would open the hatch. As she suspected, it was an electronic one, needing an override code to activate it. Carefully she pulled out her comm unit. Not the usual one she used, but one that she had brought with her from her home planet, Christos. This one had been a gift that she had been given just recently in recognition of her record in the contests at the Temple of Solitude, years earlier.

That was the finishing temple, the one you either graduated from with honours or you just graduated. Jenna had performed with excellence but was surprised when one of the instructors had contacted her. An appointment to visit Jenna at her apartment was arranged even though Jenna was ready to leave and take the Advanced Experienced Pilots’ Course on the planet Grants World in the large sixth cluster galaxy, Docks Well.

*********

“Honoured Instructor.” Jenna greeted the woman with a bow.

“I have a gift for you.” The Instructor had returned the bow and now handed over a package which was accepted by a nonplussed Jenna.

“I don’t understand.” Jenna frowned. “I wasn’t notified of any gift.”

“The giver wishes to remain private. Her instructions are to use the gift only in a dire emergency, otherwise do not tell anyone that you have it.” The instructor bowed and left a puzzled woman behind. The inhabitants of Christos were generally friendly but also did not waste time on unnecessary talk.

Now Jenna was to use the gift to its fullest.

*********

Having passed the gift along, the instructor strode several blocks to another apartment building. Taking the elevator to the floor she wanted, she found the correct door and reached for the annunciator to signal her arrival. Before she could touch the stud, the door slid open. Shaken, she stepped into the apartment passing a, to her, strange looking woman. This woman had slanted eyes, yellow skin and wore a sleeveless, high necked, ankle length flowery dress with slits up each side almost to the hip, and a catlike smile curving her lips.

Two women stood in the living room; one slim, lightly tanned with dark eyes and long straight dark hair. An air of command surrounded this woman and slowly the instructor approached her. Neither the woman at the door nor this woman had been introduced but the instructor could guess what they were if not who. The instructor bowed.

“The gift has been accepted, Lady.”

“We thank you.” The Lady replied with a nod, then turned to the third woman in the room.

“We also thank you for your assistance Grand Leader Nisma. Now most events must take care of themselves.”

“You are welcome Lady,” The Grand Leader bowed. “If you wish, you may use this suite for the rest of the day.”

“We thank you.” The Lady nodded and the two women of Christos bowed and left leaving the other two women. A third person entered from another room, this was a closely cloaked and cowled man. “Good, it is done.” He said.

“Must it be this way?” The woman from the door sounded puzzled while the second woman frowned at the question.

“It must. Someone of the empire must come to me. It is the only way and she will lead them to me.” The man turned away, looking out the window. “You will not see me again until then.”  He turned back. “Dana knows when?”

“She does.” The second woman replied.

“Good, let us go, the other pieces are in place. All they need to do now is come together.”

The three vanished.

*********

The first time Jenna had used the comm, in the privacy of her room, she had been astonished. It truly was a strange gift, the extensive instructions had made it clear from the start that she was to tell no one what the comm could do, and it could do a lot! The programs allowed her to break through any security screen and into any computer program. It also showed her how to program the comm unit to appear like a normal comm and also how to set the unit up to shut down until she could turn it on again as well as having many other uses.

But it could not be used against another person to hurt them or deprogram other computers if there was a risk to life. The unit fascinated her!

*********

Entering the necessary passwords, Jenna activated the special comm unit. The display showed several programs, carefully she selected the appropriate one. This program would read the lock and open it. Again Jenna wondered about the comm; Who would have given me such a gift and why? An icon flashed on the screen indicating success and the hatch cover gave a slight jump. Laying still, Jenna used her eyes and ears, alert for any sound or movement.

A muttering floated up to her, unintelligible in the distance. This was followed by a muted whine and the top of the security company’s patrol vehicle appeared above the roof line. It started moving slowly south. Jenna kept still, not moving and a fraction later the patrol car appeared from a different direction, playing lights over the repair company’s building. Nice, but you came back too early! Jenna grinned to herself. Now satisfied, the security guards left.

Slowly, carefully, Jenna lifted the hatch cover. Putting her night vision glasses back on and looking inside, Jenna noted the short ladder leading to a gangway. Moving swiftly now while keeping as low as possible, Jenna slithered down the ladder, reaching for the hatch cover at the same time. Once in place the lock reset itself. Coming to the end of the ladder Jenna found that she was still well above the gangway. She grunted, expecting this.

Moving carefully Jenna lowered herself by her hands down the ladder until she was hanging just above the guard rail. As the ladder was right above the railing, Jenna saw that she would have to kick herself back slightly. Without hesitation she dropped landing awkwardly but safely. Standing upright and looking around, Jenna took advantage of her elevated position, first taking in the layout of the interior of the building.

Below her was the area where the transporters were loaded. The other half of the open area comprised the unloading stations with entrance doors to the far right. Between them was a set of offices, the function of which Jenna could not determine from her vantage point. To her right was the main offices and to her left the rear of the building displayed several sets of doors.

Deciding to check the offices between the loading and unloading areas first, Jenna searched for the way down from the gantry. Seeing the ladder down was at the side of the building, Jenna first checked for more alarms. As she suspected, the shipping company’s owners were more concerned with perimeter security then internal security. Quickly descending the ladder, Jenna moved across the floor to the offices that were her target.

Again her special comm came into play. Accessing the rather simple computer program, it was an internal one with no planetary access, Jenna found the first bit of information she was looking for. Good, she thought, a list of cargos and their destinations. She looked deeper, there’s the space craft who were to make the deliveries, but not their crews? Where do I get that? Looking even deeper, she saw that this information was found on a dedicated network that could only be accessed in the main offices. Damn, she thought, Got to do another break in. She checked the time. It was a full period and a half since the event, as she named it.

Knowing she didn’t have much time, in under two periods, the cargo would be moving and she had to find the correct cargo which meant she had to find the right crew, she walked swiftly to the main office.

Opening the offices sealed doors was simple with the same comm unit, and Jenna quickly found the comm that had the access that she needed. Checking the various crew status, she saw one that had a need for an experienced pilot. Making a note of the ships name Jenna noted some comments. Interesting! She thought. Not considered reliable; suggestions of corruption; rumoured contacts with pirates. Very interesting. But there was another one to consider.

This crew also had a need for a reliable pilot. But the captain was considered straight forward and had a strong belief in his own judgement. Yet he had, had poor dealings with customs and the local patrol. There were suggestions of bribes demanded and rejected which brought on harassment by the authorities. This was followed by law suits against the same organisations which had some success but raised the mutual antagonisms between the parties even higher.

Now that is a possibility. Jenna thought, noting the name of the star ship. Tapir Bull. She recognised the name from its landing which had raised a lot of amused comment. The owner was a Captain Simon Bush and the rest of the crews’ names followed. Copying the other ships name and crew as backup Jenna left, carefully removing all traces of her visit as she did so.

The transporter she wanted was not in the loading area so once again using the comm unit, which she was starting to call her everywhere comm, she left the building, making certain that she had left no traces behind her. Finding the transporter she wanted parked and ready to go, opening the manual revision box was the work of a fraction and she was inside. Jenna knew that about half of the automatic cargo transporters had the capability for a driver to take over if necessary and these had an empty space for the drivers’ accessories. That was what she had been banking on. She was right.

Sealing the door, she folded herself into the empty space and tried to get as comfortable as possible. Barely settled, Jenna heard the transporters drive started with a whine then felt a jolt.

Moving already, Jenna thought, Just in time. Sitting back she considered her options. I better have a plan ready, there will be just one shot at this.

Author's Note

Forget minor spelling faults, what do you think of the idea and the flow?
Is the concept good? How does the main character feel to you? Is she realistic?

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask, yo you have only yourself to blame for this. 😄

You are, I’m afraid, going to hate me. But there are things that are invisible to the author that begin on line one, and, are holding you back. And since we’ll not address the problem that we don’t see as being one, I thought you would want to know.

Just bear in mind, as you read, that nothing I’m about to say is related to talent or how well you write. In fact, the writing is in the top 10% of what's seen online ,on sites like this one. Still, after all the work and emotional commitment that writing a novel requires, this WILL sting.

The first thing that hit me is that you, like pretty much all hopeful writers, are the victim of what I call, The Great Misunderstanding: We leave our school days believing that we learned how to write. And since that’s taken care of, all we assume that what we need is a good story idea, a knack for storytelling, a kindly muse, and a bit of luck.

But think of the goal of public education. It’s to prepare us for the needs of our future employer. And what kind of writing do most employers need? Exactly what we were taught—and perfected—via so many assignments to write reports and essays—nonfiction. Its goal is to inform the reader, factually and accurately. And to do that, the narrator, alone on stage, talks TO that reader in a voice lacking any emotion not directly suggested by the punctuation you provide, and the meaning the words suggest to the reader, based on their life-experience, not your intent.

And as if that weren’t enough of a problem, our reader isn’t seeking to be told a story, and learn the details of what happened in a fictional person’s life. They want you to make them live it, as…the…protagonist, and, in real-time. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” I’m betting that not one of your teachers even mentioned that.

In fact, we were given none of the necessary skills for fiction-writing. Why? Because of something we all forget: Professions are acquired in addition to the general skills provided during our school days. Universities do, after all, offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction-Writing. And you have to assume that at least some of what they teach is necessary. Right? It's obvious, yet because the pros make t seem so natural and easy we universally miss that point. I certainly did when I began recording my campfire stories.

The problem is, that you’ll not notice the problems because for you they don’t exist. You begin reading already knowing the character and their backstory, plus their needs, intentions, and resources. You know who we are, where we are in time and space, and, what’s going on. So for you, every word acts as a pointer to images, action, history, and more, all waiting to be called up in your mind.

But the reader? They arrive as a blank slate, with mild curiosity and no access to your intent. So for that reader, every word acts as a pointer to images, action, history, and more, all waiting to be called up in *YOUR* mind. But with you not there to clarify when it’s read… See the problem?

Look at a few lines as a reader must:

• Eyes flicking from side to side, the woman strode swiftly and silently down the darkened alleyway while still avoiding an attention getting run.

“The woman?” As a reader perceives the line, we have an adult female of unknown age, in an unknown place and time, walking quickly, for unknown reasons, in the hallway of an unknown building that has an unknown level of light. That’s data, not story. And, the reader has no context to make it meaningful. You do, of course. And for you, the narrator’s voice—your voice—is filled with emotion. The reader? They need context before or as they read, but they have been given none. So, were this a submission to a publisher or agent, here is where the first-reader would close the cover. (this is the part that I said would sting. As I said, I've been there)

• The once smart pants suit glistened oddly under the flickering lights but the athletic, dark haired and brown eyed woman paid no attention to the blood or the sight she would have presented to others; her mind was on other matters, like how could she get off this planet before she was arrested and sentenced to death.

More data. She’s was wearing smart pants but now they’re not, for unknown reasons. So, why does a reader care? You’re focusing on visual details in a medium that reproduces neither sound nor picture. And since there’s no second first impression…

As a minor point, you just told the reader that the lights are flickering. But that makes no sense. Candles and lamps don’t flicker, nor do electric lights. So where are we? Impossible to even guess. You know why the lights are unsteady. Those in the story know. But who was this written for? Shouldn’t they know? Shouldn’t the woman who appears to be our protagonist have a name, so we can identify with her?

My point is that as you were taught you’re explaining and reporting. And because you are, it reads like a chronicle of events.

I know, after all the time you’ve spent on this, that it’s hard to accept. But as I said, it’s not a matter of talent. It’s one of missing knowledge. And the solution is obvious. Add the missing fiction-writing skills to your existing set, practice them till they’re as intuitive to use as the skills you now use, and there you are.

As an example, take an existing line:

• “Jenna, what happened?” Jenna knew the voice. It was Lu Cener, one of the other student pilots…

Here, Jenna doesn’t recognize the voice, you, someone neither on the scene nor in the story, stand alone on stage talking TO the reader. But since Jenna knows the voice, she will respond to Lu without thinking about how she knows her. And she'll think of her with the name she uses, not her full, formal, name. So why bother the reader with it?

In life, the words would motivate her to turn to face someone she already knows, and address her. Can the events seem real to a reader if she doesn’t do that? Wouldn't they be more likely to turn to you and ask who you are and who you’re talking to?

To see how the "Let me tell you a story" approach would work in life, jump over to YouTube and watch the trailer for the film, Stranger Than Fiction, which explores just that. It’s a film only a writer can truly appreciate.

The approach a fiction writer would use is to present the events as SHE perceives them, minus the unnecessary information. For example: Whytell the reader the woman is a pilot when we don’t yet know why she’s running away, where we are, or what's going on? Focus on what matters to the one person who matters to the reader, our avatar, the protagonist, perhaps with:
- - - - -
“Jenna? What’s going on?” came a call from the corridor she was passing. “Are you—”

“Sorry, Lu…I can’t talk now,” she said, filled with the need to keep moving. But Lu was a student pilot, too, and as close to being a friend as anyone here would be to an off-worlder. So she deserved at least a reason. She gestured toward her appearance, as she said, “I need to get out of here, right now.”
----------
Not your story or your characters, of course. It’s just a quick demo of how you can turn it around and present what matters to your protagonist, while providing the same information, without stepping on stage and stopping the scene clock.

Notice that the narrator never talks to the reader, only works in service of the action, tick-by-tick.

The first line establishes where we are as Jenna hears and responds.

Doing it that way, I don’t have to tell the reader who LU it is or that she’s known, because tha'ts inherent to Jenna calling her by name. And we earn that she’s a pilot, not by report, but as Jenna’s justification for interacting, when she really feels she needs to leave. It’s given as enrichment to a necessary line, and as such, the reader absorbs the information without feeling they’re being lectured. We also, also, incidentally, learn that our protagonist is an off-worlder, and that there are no strong friendships, without having to be lectured on it.

Notice that we're in Jenna’s viewpoint, not that of the author. And we’re learning what she does as she does, through her understanding and decision-making, not yours.

Make sense? The technique I used is called Motivation/Response Units, or, M/R U’s, and is the most powerful tool I know of for pulling the reader into the action as-the-protagonist. Here’s an article that includes a condensation of the technique, and others:
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

Take a read. If it seems like something worth pursuing, I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer (the book he condensed the techniques from), which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Try a few chapters. It’s the book that got me published for the first time. Maybe it can do that for you.

So, I know this is pretty far from what you hoped to see. And having been there, I know how it feels. But acquiring those skills won’t be a chore, because it’s all about something you want to be doing. And in the end, when the protagonist becomes your co-author, whispering suggestions and warning in your ear as you write, you’ll love the difference.

So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/