Erosion

with one hand, you held the granulated heart

            of our beach --

black like the grit of sand scraped from paper,

or pulverized coal just beginning to form diamond dust

 

I watched it slip through your ink stained fingers

in a shocking waterfall of wasted memories

 

each grain told a story, but they were lost to the breeze --

            laced fingers and lovesick eyes,  

            abalone shells glowing iridescent

            on Moonstone Beach,  the first time

            we tasted nirvana on our tongues

nothing more now than a pile of earth at our bare feet

 

because you forgot how to pronounce my name,

and I could no longer hear your voice when I cried

 

my own hands were not enough to gather the remains

            of our broken stars --

I watched the last trace of us linger above the tide line

before returning to the earth, where stolen moments

find lasting embrace in slowly eroding shores

Reviews

[SteveB]

Bloody magnificent!

First there is a magnificent metaphor used solidly and consistently. I particularly loved the first line of stanza 3. Then there are some wonderfully vivid images presented ["waterfall of wasted memories is my favorite]
Finaly the last stanza drives home the mood of the piece with a piercing edge. A bittersweet ending with the phrasing "lasting embrace" giving a heartbreaking note beyond the mere end of the love. IT hints that love may never end once it has been shared rather it just runs its course.

I REALLY loved this piece

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

You humble me...I'm blushing, seriously! Thank you so very much; I don't know what to say!

[Astro]

"I watched the last trace of us linger above the tide line
before returning to the earth, where stolen moments
find lasting embrace in slowly eroding shores"

The picture that forms in my mind when I read these words, is that of the summertime equivalent to making snow-angels with someone you love and having them disappear in the wind and new fallen snow, smoothed over and solidified into new ground to be walked upon. I see lovers as imprints in the sparkling sandy beaches of the California coast line, once a treasured moment just "above the tide" now buried, not so much for safe keeping like pirates gold, but to put to rest something that was in pain. Either way, again your anguish, is spelled out in images like tear stained hieroglyphs to stand the test of time, or be buried in the sand. I always love to read your work.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I'm glad you love to read it :)

[Astro]

I truly do. :D

[Rita L. Sev]

Completely beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. The title is apt - a relationship rarely just ends, but rather erodes... Excellent poetry.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Thank you, Rita...you are so perceptive and kind!

[B-poet]

A heartfelt & painful poem. Losing a vested relationship you thought was going be the main reason towards a real solid commitment is defintely heard here. :) Great work. A gripping & intriguing write. :)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Thank you so much, my friend!

[asdarkeyesclose]

'because you forgot how to pronounce my name,'

heart-breaking and moving... sometimes we let go before we realise and it is over before we realise as well... i loved the image ' our broken stars' highlighting the pain of breaking up and the way each grain of sand was noted, suggesting it was incredibly hard to let go. i liked the lines in italics particularly, i got a sense of a poem within a poem and it simply made the writing that bit more interesting. fantastic.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

You are so right on...we often don't know it's over until it is so far gone that there is no saving it... Thank you so much for the reading and the review!

[David Scott]

You write of love lost in a way to make the reader feel grateful for the simple knowing. Like a dinner plate clean from a satisfied culinary adventure, sad the meal is over, but no less satisfied with the experience of the tasting.
The title and the last few words are of loss, deep and cutting loss, and still you tone is one of gratitude.
I love the way your can be so strong and so gentle with your words at the same time.
Well done.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

You are so kind, David...really!

[Simon Welsh]

"we tasted nirvana on our tongues"

I love that line. Once again, it's another chapter in your unique style.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Thank you Elliot...every time I see you, you have a new profile picture :)

[Kleio13]

Your past relationships that have faultered seem to reflect in your poems.
I have works like that. Maybe we can share ideas.
This is good work.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Well, we write what we know, don't we? :) I go in moods...sometimes hopeful, sometimes recounting the saddness; the way of a poet I suppose.

[Cody Williams]

I can feel the pain! Nicely done!

-CW

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

You are very kind, Cody!

[Cody Williams]

No problem!

[Clara]

"because you forgot how to pronounce my name,
and I could no longer hear your voice when I cried"

That made me cry. Wonderful, touching write. Xx

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

You are so kind, Lola!

[Clara]

You're welcome.

I'm such a sap. :3