Under The Bridge

Under the Bridge
In Darkness arise
The Shadowy Waters
Shine

The Silver Boon
Trapped in Particles
Changed and Mutilated
Bright

The Snake extends
Along the Valley
The Darkness Creeps
Snatches

The Clouds cover
The Stars are Gone
And the Moon Disappears
Forever

Author's Note

I'd really like to know how I could make it better, for it seems to me there is something amiss... Thanks !

Reviews

[Nath]

I think punctation would help understand it a bit better, other than that I find it pretty good.
I like the contrast between the first and the last two stanzas and especially the last stanza - how the clouds conceal the stars and the moon and make darkness fall.

[Ray]

Thanks for the comments, I'll try to work on it as soon as I can !!

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Punctuation means nothing to me...I'm a great fan of ee cummings. But logical progression means everything...I want the poem to move with clear meaning. Which makes me a constant enemy of most modern poetry. I'm a classic romantic poet. But I very seldom write about relationships or "love" poetry. My opinion of how this could be made better is this:

"Under the Bridge
In darkness arising
Shadowy Waters
Shine

Silver boon
Trapped in Particles
Changed and mutilated
Bright

The snake extends
Along the valley
Darkness creeps
And snatches

Clouds cover
Stars are Gone
Moon Disappears
Forever"


Much of the poem can be cut away by losing some of the unnecessary "thes" and "ands". It makes the finished product more succinct and the structure stronger. The added "and" before "snatches" was to promote flow and logical progression. I hope you find this helpful.