Moments as I have them 3

There is no mistaking...this pain that forsakes me.. .. it threatens to obliterate me...time and time again I am waiting ....thoughts of sedating the emotions that the hurt is creating....like earthquakes the earth shakes n I'm hating .......everything inside and it's just there for the taking..lost cause stop pause n press reset ....I've cried I've lied n I've felt a weight on my chest ....stressed..what can u tell me...there's no drugs you could sell me ...they Will only fail me.... n then I stop pause reset....disconnect from the strain and disdain that I'm faced with ...start to do better stack cheddar no more of that fake s**t...this time I blow it but on the outside I dnt show it ....afraid of what people might think if they kno it.....back to a smile that covers pain...a luauph that is straighned...then I stop pause reset...I press play it's another day but I'm no better...I love you I care she says n I'd believe it but I kno better...but I dnt know better so I sit and I sweat her thinking of when I first met her....there's a child now actually it's my daughter..... sitting here thinking of all the stuff I never bought her....I'm selfish insecure and full of pride.... like to think I'm a tuff guy .....but when life hits back I'm scared n I hide....I dnt kno how to live... I just really wanna strive...somethings gotta give and that's when I decide....I need God....so I stop pause and reset...I'm standing still... but hey I'm still standing... heart pounding as I'm holding back tears.... these are fears from younger years... trying to cover up the smears u kno the ones left from stains caused by pains that your brain can't maintain ....why dnt I wanna let it go ...why dnt I kno ...n who can tell me... if I gotta be clientele I only wanna buy what God can sell me...n truth is it's all free payed in full n its all me...so now I kno what I need ....n I try to make a move n then I prove to myself ...that life is real shrood...n Its not gonna be easy cuz the devils gonna try n deceive me... but I kno God sees me n believe you me he will relieve me...I rebuke u Satan in the name of Jesus Christ and then he flees me....