Betting Lifes

Amelia Torrez is one of those girls that no one ever really suspects to do something wrong; however, after one bet she could not stop. Will the other Nurses win? Or will she make it out alive?

“Nice to have you on staff now Ms. Torrez; unfortunately, one of our nurses was killed in a car accident and will live with us forever, but we had to hire someone new to take Mrs. Tanka’s spot, and I’m glad you’re here to do that,” Said a male nurse that will be my guide for the next week so I can get to know Maple Bay Hospital. “By the way, my name is Michael Pattleburg, but you can call me Mike, we will be working together for a long time, so we will become great friends!” He said with a smile.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Amelia Torrez. You can call me Amelia,” I said with a shy smile. I moved my lush dark brown hair behind my ear and followed him to one of his patients. We walked down a very long, white and shiny hallway going down to room.

“When we get in there, just stand by the door and don’t really talk or do anything. Today is just going to be a listening day since it is your first day,” Mike said, his jet black hair cut to about 2 inches, standing straight up, you could tell that gel was in it.

He opened the door and let me walk in first, I stood in my spot and watched what he did.

“Hi Mrs. Grat, it’s Michael. I’m here to check on you. How’s everything going?” Mike said, sounding so sweet and happy doing what he is doing.

“Good Morning Michael, everything is fine. I ran out of water to put my dentures in though, might you get me a cup? By the way, who’s the new girl? Your girlfriend?” She said in that old person type voice that would just make you laugh. I smirked and he looked back at me mouthing to me to get her a cup of water. Walking into the bathroom, I filled up the water and walked out, over hearing the conversation.

“She’s our new nurse, very sweet girl. Didn’t you hear about Mrs.Tanka? She died in a car crash.” He said.

“Likely story, that Mrs. Ivory is very suspicious. I’ve never liked her,” Mrs. Grat’s voice filling with venom. I was scared to meet this woman, Mrs. Ivory.

“She’s a very nice woman, Mrs. Grat. You should have no worry about her.” Mike said, smiling at the old lady. He checked her medicine bags and pulled out a new bottle of medicine for her.

“I have some new medicine for you, Mrs. Grat! It’s going to take away the pain in your legs.” He said.

“Oh! Good. Thank you, darlin’. Get me some water so I can take it right now.” She said, pointing to her empty glass.

I went to go grab it and fill it up in the bathroom, again. I handed the glass to Mike and he handed it to Mrs. Grat, then we made our way out of the room and walked to the Lounge for the Nurses and Doctors.

“You’re gonna meet some of the other Nurses, they are all so nice, you will love all of them.” Mike said, showing me to the Lounge.

I walk in and all the nurses are huddled in a circle, gossiping. But once Mike walked in, they all straightened up and prepped themselves. Two out of three of them married. Although, one of them got up and two were left.

“Hey Tracy.. Gabby. This is our new nurse, Amelia! She is nice, so play nice.” Mike said. Funny, at the moment I think as Mike as a father figure here at Maple Bay Hospital, though he was only, maybe, 25.

Tracy got up and walked over to hug me. She looked Mid-Forties, Blonde hair and blue eyes, she looked very intelligent.

“Hi Amelia! You are going to love it here! We have some of the best staff in the country!” Tracy said. Her voice sounded overly happy and vibrant, so I was sort of suspicious.

“I’ve heard all of the good things and no bad things!” I said, smiling.

Gabby got up and walked over to shake my hand. She had brown hair and blue eyes. She looks like she has a Cuban heritage.

“Hey girl! I am so excited to meet you! I’ve heard so much!” She said, hugging me, after shaking my hand.

“It’s nice to know everybody here is so nice!” I said smiling with such a grin that people from the International Space Station could see it.

“Mike Pattleburg, you are need in room 201,” came over the overhead.

“Hey Amelia, come on. Let’s go check on what happened with Mrs. Grat,” he said to me.

“Alright.” I said.

We took the long trip down the while hallway and finally got to the room.

 

 

Mrs. Grat died.  

Author's Note

Just a story that I though would be really interesting when I thought about it. Sorry it doesn't open up with a bang, just let me know what you think about it!!

Reviews

[a Detroit story teller]

I like the idea behind the story but to me it does not seem fleshed out enough. The premise is there. I might suggest a little less dialog and a little more description.

[Charles Phifer]

I understand the story, but it could use some work. The dialogue seems very 1-Dimensional. Everyone seems to have the same personality and there weren't really any distinguishing features between the characters. And also, i didn't feel anything when Ms. Grat died. You should delve on her a little bit more so i can feel more emotionally attached to not only her, but all of the characters.

[Sixella]

Hello! I saw your post in Underground Writers so here's my review!

Overall, I liked the story idea as a whole. However, I was confused when Mrs. Ivory's was introduced. What role did she play/what was her importance in the story? I have to agree with Lina Grey about the ending. This story leaves much potential to have a sequel or something to continue the story. If it is to be a single short story, I would recommend providing more details to intrigue the reader and make them feel some sort of emotion for Mrs. Grat at the end. With the details in the story, I wasn't sure how to react to the death. If there was more detail to make her seem like she was an truly amazing person, I would have felt sad about the death. You have a great writing style, which I admire, so thank you for that.

[WickedPenWielder]

You asked for a review for a review so here goes :)
Your story line seems good. The dialogue is slightly drawn out, and at times there are no periods separating only commas. Maybe use slang or instead of saying 'I could not go..' say 'I couldn't'. Also I did notice that some of the terms were off a bit, such as when they called Mike to the room where Mrs. Grant had died. First they would call a code red and Mike and Amelia would have rushed to the room...perhaps at the moment she flatlines...after trying to revive the patient her lifeless body was unresponsive and was declared dead. Other than a few grammatical errors and what I listed above I think this has a good story line and you seem to have imagination and flare! Keep writing, and please read and review my chapter Escaping Dreams. :)

[Lina Grey]

Oh! Just so you know, it's "lives" not "lifes"...

[Lina Grey]

I mostly agree with selkietales, though I think you meant that Amelia killed Mrs. Grat, by poisoning the water or something? If so, I think it's a great start, that could use some refing and added details and a sequel. The ending asks more questions than it answers, which is great for if there's more to the story, not so much if this is the end, though. I like how it's in first person, by what I think is the killer's point of view. First person always lends itself to empathy and an idea of victimized innocence, so the 'innocent' killer was a nice twist. Thank you.

[selkietales]

Hello, I read your review request in the Underground Writers forum. I like the story, although I'm not sure how Mrs. Ivory came into the conversation. The only think I could think of was that Mrs. Grat called Mrs. Tanka that?
This seems more like a prologue or something. Why was it even all that important that Mrs. Grat died? People die all the time and I at least didn't even like her, so making that the ending really wasn't very dramatic. The only thing I could think of that could make it significant was that the male nurse gave her some kind of new meds, which could mean he killed her? I dunno, I just felt the plot was lacking details or not specifying what was going on or something, plus there were grammar mistakes. The description hints that this is the first part of a book or novella or something (which would sort of excuse the lack of plot, I suppose, although it needs enough to hook readers...) so I'm not sure why this is classified as a story. I feel like this could be really great if you worked on it more and either made it longer to show more of the plot that's in the description or added chapters.

[C.R.A.]

Hey, I reda youre post in the Underground Writers formum, so here I am with my review.

I really liked the story, and I hope it isn't the end? What happens now with Amelia? But I do have some point you maybe want to work on..
-I was somewhat confused when you spoke about Ivory... Is she a nurse to?
-Maybe the intro should be a little more catchy so more people will read the entire story...

But in general I really liked it, hope to read a sequel some day :)