Chapter Two - Dabbling in Love

Second chapter.

Being a fat child with terrible self-esteem, my experiences with love were not vast. I have always been someone who chases perfection, even from a young age. The problem at this point in the story, nine years old and nearing secondary school, is that my brain hadn’t explained perfection to my heart yet. Thus, my chase for perfection materialised into finding the perfect girl. I wouldn’t settle for any less, which is unfortunate, as perfect girls were not attracted to boys like me.

The girls that were attracted to me were girls like ‘Fat Madge’. She wasn’t even that fat, or ugly, but it was a name that stuck by her side like a bad cold. She would follow me in the corridors and try to sit next to me in lesson: I didn’t give her the time of day; I felt a quiet and cold contempt for her because she symbolised all of my flaws. She was me and I knew it. I was even referred to as ‘Horace the Hog’ for a long period of my childhood " were two people ever more suited? ‘Fat Madge’ was the kind of girl I deserved. She was me when I tried to sit next to the girls I fancied. It was the equivalent. She was an arrogant survivor, just like me " but I denied it to the very end. It was this denial that kept me running: I kept telling myself that I deserved better because I was an arrogant fool, but for a long time it was that arrogance that kept me sane. Lesson four: be negotiable in your arrogance; find the pleasant place on the beach of your ego between confidence and arrogance then settle down nicely.

Lucy Poe was the girl I really fancied: she was blonde haired and bubbly and for a nine year old boy she fitted the bill of newly found expectations of love perfectly. However, she adored Alex and this was the first time I was exposed to the trends of infatuation: Alex was utterly indifferent to her and, through the warped way in which foundling emotion operates, Lucy’s obsession with him only grew. Thus I learned that we are all chasing our own perfection. Lucy wanted Alex as much as I wanted her and probably for similar reasons; we wanted the very best, nothing less.

It angered me to no end, but I was as stubborn as the gum underneath the desks: I never, ever gave up on Lucy. I will attempt to explain, or at least give example of, my infatuation for Lucy Poe.

 

It’s 8.45 and the morning bell for Wednesday assembly has just rung. Alex Williams calls me over to sit with him but I reject him just like every other Wednesday; I never stop to consider whether this upsets or offends him, as the only thing on my mind is working my way along the queue to position myself next to Lucy. Every Wednesday since I decided I loved Lucy Poe I had attempted to sit next to her in morning assembly and for the first time, a Wednesday in summer, I finally get the chance. We file slowly into assembly and her golden hair bounces in front of me, excitement growing in my stomach. We sit down and she smells like bubble-gum. Father John begins the long and meaningful sermon but I spend the minutes figuring out how to look at Lucy without her noticing. The butterflies I feel growing slowly in my stomach and the happiness I feel is unexplainable, inexplicable and indescribable.

Beside me, Lucy shuffles slightly as the Father begins the morning’s rituals. Her knee brushes against mine and it’s like an electric shock right through my system and down my spine. I can only imagine looking back at myself now, with that huge grin on my face, and treasuring those few moments of ecstasy before it all went horribly wrong.

I throw up over myself, the floor and her knee. The entire assembly, mid-hymn, grinds to halt as Lucy screams. I sit in a pile of my own sick and in front of the entire school the only thing I can hear or worry about is Lucy’s screams. For ever more, I was known subconsciously as the boy who threw up because he loved too much: I was known consciously as the idiot who just threw up. Lesson five: don’t have three Wagon Wheels and a pint of semi-skimmed milk for breakfast on the day you sit next to your crush.

Following the minutes after the vomit incident, being lead from the hall by my hand amid a sea of stunned faces and cackles, I knew life was about to become unbearable. Incredibly, that was incorrect: it turns out that throwing up in assembly increased my popularity ten-fold; people assumed I had done it on purpose, and who was I to tell them otherwise? If I had known throwing up in assembly was so popular, I would have done it years earlier. Dan even offered me a smile later that week.

 

The next incident involving Lucy Poe was almost as soul-crushingly embarrassing, but ‘character building’ nonetheless. It was the last year before secondary school, and it was a maths lesson last thing on a Friday.

 

‘Josh?’ I ask, scribbling down maths notes with very little concentration.

 

Josh was a boy who floated through life barely scratching the social radar: he wasn’t popular or unpopular, he just existed. He was the perfect boy for my task.

 

‘Yes?’ he replies, quite eager to be addressed, even by me.

 

‘Can you ask Lucy out for me?’ I ask in a tumble of words. My body feels less tense already and it feels like the anvil of infatuation has been lifted from my skull. It is replaced by nervous anticipation as Josh agrees and leaves for Lucy’s table.

I couldn’t watch him ask her so I focused more intently on my maths work than I ever had done before. The nerves grow in my stomach and I rummage impatiently in my tray for something to occupy my time. There are books and pencils and pens and a collection of rulers I’ve been hoarding for years, but all I can see is blonde hair and blue eyes.

Josh sits down opposite me. He says nothing and I stare at him with an impatience which quickly flourishes into anger. Startled, he looks up at me and mouths the word ‘What?’ as Mr. Woods walks past behind him.

‘What about Lucy?’ I whisper, furiously.

‘Oh…that! She said no’ he shrugs and resumes scribbling.

 

I never expected her to say yes, not really, but the arrogance within me persuaded me to at least try: I wasn’t confident enough to ask her myself and I tell myself that if I had been things might have been different --  girls love confidence, I’ve decided. Although Josh had to ask her, I still considered it the bravest thing I had ever done and for a few moments, as I collapsed backwards in my chair, I could breathe a sigh of pride as I realised my infatuation for Lucy Poe was finally over.

There were moments that will stick with me forever concerning that girl, with the majority being fairly negative, but this was one of those rare occurrences in my young life where I was fairly content; at least I had asked. Of course, it didn’t end just like that, because there were still incidents where I fell head over heels for her: one lunch time whilst on detention duty " thus I was already pumped full of the illusion of prepubescent superiority over the younger years " Lucy told me I looked ‘manly’ in the jumper I was wearing. I treasured that jumper and wore it every day I could. The greatest and sweetest moment I will remember forever was the hug we shared on the very last day of the very last year at St.Margaret’s. The school had been hell and for a long time, my life was awful; I had been subject to bullying and horror, but as she whispered ‘I will miss you’ into my ear, it all suddenly became worth it because I had discovered my first and true love.

Lesson six: no matter how many times you have yourself convinced of it, no one is out of your league. 

Thus, I established myself as a hopeless romantic. I never quite gave up on Lucy, no matter how many times I lied to myself; if we had continued on at the same secondary school, it probably would have lasted for ever. Fortunately, with Alex and a few others by my side, I entered the entirely new and terrifying world of Stonehill Secondary School. I was about to walk blindly into the utterly fascinating realm of puberty, love, learning and five years of doing very, very little and my goodness, it changed me for ever.

Author's Note

You'll have to excuse poor grammar and sentences, written in a rush very late, or early, in the morning. Just trying to get the ideas out to see whether it's readable.

Reviews

[de_maruf]

like it

[quinfinn]

i thought this flowed quite well and it brought back childhood memories, yes, i was that awkward and shy boy for many years. what finally saved me was trying not to fit in. somehow it made me more interesting. go figure.....very nice write!

[DrD]

Better imagry here than in the first chapter with metaphors giving flavor to the tale. Okay, you know where you're going and how to get there. Most important for me is that the transitions were much better in this chapter and you could take the reader from one thought / scene to another without lines of separation. Much better and highly readable.