Begin Within

On the process of writing

I was told that it is an inside job and that I had to begin within. And so it seems, for that is the part of me that knows all that I need to know - my Creative Intelligence and my Instinctual Nature.

I had not written creatively since I was about 15 years old and full of teenage angst, fuelled by the sorrow of my childhood. I stopped writing and stopped connecting with my inner self.

I had no real tools when I entered adulthood. I had already experienced the pain of being left by my mum and the strange pain of knowing I was loved, but feeling little in the way of emotional connection from my caregivers.

I lived with excruciating and crippling shyness that comes with low self-esteem. I did not really know how much self-hatred I had, but it played itself out in my life through a series of calamities and damaging relationships, and I did my own share of creating pain for others.

At the age of 50 and suffering depression, I picked up a pen again. The first time I wrote, a short story emerged in just ten minutes as part of a creative writing exercise. It was perfect (to me) and full of hope, but more importantly, the act of writing it opened up that part of me that wants me to thrive and the part of me that is connected to the Divine.

A small boy lived in the woods. He didn’t have a mum and dad, but he had learned how to live with the land. On a particularly lovely day, he was relaxing on the grassy bank. Suddenly a frog came by. “Good morning!” said the frog. “Good morning,” said the boy.

(Dear Reader: I remember how I could not get these stories finished at school because it took so long to write out all the dialogue and express the ideas. And the writing had to follow rules and be in my best handwriting).

The boy looked at the frog and smiled. “I know you,” he said, “I have met you before”. He took the frog in his hand and whispered something in its ear.

(Dear Reader: I couldn’t go down the road of the boy kissing the frog and it turning into a princess because that would not turn patriarchy on its head)

The boy kept the frog in his hand for five minutes, while he tried to think of the rest of the story. The sun beamed down and he decided that, even though the frog could talk, he needed to let it go. “Goodbye,” he said, “I love you and always wish you well.”

The frog hopped away with a glint in its eye. It had heard what the boy had whispered and it knew - the world was not as it seemed but you could live with the land and know God.

Begin within - it’s where your stories live. The act of writing this simple story enabled me to break through the oppressive fear “I can’t do it! I’m not a writer!”

Begin within - it’s where life is. The act of writing this simple story enabled me to begin to breathe life into the characters that were going to guide me onwards through my healing journey.

Begin within - it is where you will find the Divine, it is the Place of all Knowing. The act of writing this story enabled me to tap into a source of Creative Intelligence, a power much greater than myself.

After this, my first story, I began to write poetry, using my poems to navigate the way and shine the light on my unresolved shame and pain and darkness, connecting with my inner self and journeying to the depths of my soul in an attempt to heal the past.

Deeper within and deeper still, until I found a wretched and Wounded Child in desperate need of nurturing. A child who deserved so much love, but who I had left behind, abandoned and neglected. I picked her up and resolved never to leave her again, and to parent her as best I could.

The story started lightly. It was an adventure story for me to tell my inner child, but my Instinctual Nature had other ideas, recognising, in its wisdom, the potency of a well-told tale.

Deeper within and deeper still, a story about belonging, about feeling, about being. A story about the pain of living and the absolute joy of healing, the strength of the human spirit and the gift of receiving a new life.

Deeper within and deeper still, my hand barely able to keep up with the words that flowed into my mind.

I had been influenced by Clarissa Pinkola Estes*, who taught me (at the grand old age of 50) that I needed to tell my own story in a loud, strong, clear voice. It was Clarissa’s influence that led me to choose the genre of a fairy story.

There could have been no better genre than the fairy story because it meant that there were no bounds of time or space, and events that actually happened could be rewoven, reframed and re-lived with new light and new hope. Despite the magical genre, everything I wrote actually happened, in some sense, in the past or while I was writing the story. 'My name is Helen and I am' is magical, but not fabricated.

By journeying through time and space within the story, I was able to retell Wounded Child’s experiences as a hero’s journey, empowering her and showing her she is not alone. And in doing so, these things became part of me, and I was able to reclaim the power which is my birthright. As within, so without!

I began within, and writing took me deeper within. The gift of the story is great indeed, and all I had to do was be still and listen, pen in hand.

*Note:

I was inspired by much of Clarissa Pinkola Este's work, but the reference here is specifically to her book 'Women who run with the Wolves'

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Women Who Run With the Wolves . . . you need to mention the name of the Clarissa Pinkola Estes book. Your readers might want to read it. I've read it several times, at different times, starting about age 30 & as recently as age 62 (2 years ago). It's always brought fresh understanding of the archetypical profiles she reveals thru ancient stories. Your story is an interesting way to show other writers your journey. I love how your one little shared parable shows how simple such stories can be, while still imparting a ton of ancient wisdom. The best part of your write-up is urging others to write, even when they feel they have nothing to say, even if the stories are short & simple & rudimentary. This is a great share for a writing website, especially (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Helen]

Thank you so much Margie, have added the reference. I love Clarissa Pinkola Estes - and have many of her works, particularly in audio format. Healing from my childhood started with her works 'the stone child - myths and stories of the abandoned child'.

The reference to singing my song in my own loud clear voice is definitely from Women Who Run With the Wolves though - and I found this book very powerful and enjoyable to read despite its length. Definitely one to be read more than once!

The little shared parable was written at a creative writing event - I hadn't written anything for years, went along with my sister to a day event and after a few other exercises I was asked to free write for 20 minutes. I started to write as I thought (something like) "I am uncomfortable doing this. I feel anxious. I dont want to do it. Its a beautiful day outside. Why am I so afraid, shall I try? I will give it a go, I will write a story" and then I wrote and the parable appeared exactly as it is in my "Begin WIthin" piece. So the power of the pen is great indeed - and all it took was the decision to start! (along with inspiration from others including the wonderful woman who ran the creative writing course)

[Helen]

correct reference for the stone child work:

https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Warming-the-Stone-Child-Audiobook/B004F4OYLS?ipRedirectOverride=true&source_code=M2M30DFT1Bk13004272002HN&gclid=Cj0KCQiA3Y-ABhCnARIsAKYDH7uYLcEyiEya54wSTTHOs7aMwXo5FXnh0wsGFh70XJoVRa6wu42C4iEaAmNUEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

[Paul Bell]

Isn't the pen so powerful, and once you start the journey the world seems to open up.
From a crap start in life you did what most would do, you put a force field around yourself.
The great thing is though, others will read this story and totally relate to it, giving them the power to do the same. They always say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Probably didn't feel that way growing up mind you. Now slightly older, the world awaits you.

[Helen]

Quite a bit older, but have lived a lifetime since I've been on the healing journey! The world awaits and is my oyster and writing is a big part of the adventure, seems to open up the possibilities. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment Paul.

[Paul Bell]

Pleasure, Helen, keep writing.

[Samuel Dickens]

Much that you say here, I take to heart, for there are similarities in our life stories. You write very well, and I enjoyed reading it.

[Helen]

thank you for the comment and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and got identification. Everything I write is very personal so I am not at all sure if it is relevant to other people.

[Danny Metcalfe]

This piece is very true. All begins within. 'The gift of the story is great indeed, and all I had to do was be still and listen, pen in hand.' True and wise.

[Helen]

Thank you for your comment and for your identification Danny