You're The One I've Been Looking For

It's pretty pathetic that I had to convince myself to hate Alex.  It's just, in truth, I couldn't like him.  I couldn't let myself fall for anyone ever again.  It hurts too much when they don't catch you.

 

But Alex, oh sweet Alex.  He was the perfect definition of a man w***e to be blunt.  He had a new girl every night, just another nameless face, just to fill this void in his heart when I'd been there for him all along.  Well, at least since I'd met him.

 

He made me smile when I didn't even want to be alive and gave me butterflies every time I looked at him, no matter how much I convinced myself I hated him.  I didn't hate him though, I just couldn't.

 

I won't say that it didn't hurt to see him with all those girls, night after night after night.  In fact, it killed me, but he can't know that.  He can't know anything.

 

I stepped out of my bedroom in fresh Transformer pajama pants and a black cami, my hair wet from my shower and my face free from all trace of makeup.  Alex just stared at me, expressionless.  "What?"

 

He shook his head.

 

"Uh-huh.  Tell me."

 

"Tell you what?"  Alex asked as he tilted his head at me.

 

I'd been living with him since I'd come to NYC, in his penthouse apartment.  At first he'd called me "that crazy girl I took in" and I'd called him Pedobear because of our age difference, me being 18 and him being 24, but after a while it didn't really matter anymore.

 

"What you're looking at me for, Smartass."  I retorted and smacked him on the back of the head as I passed the couch on my way into the kitchen.

 

He chuckled under his breath.  "Well, I was hoping you'd be naked."  Alex smirked at me.

 

"F**k you."  I replied sarcastically, shoving a grape in my mouth after plucking it from the fruit bowl on the island.  "You only wish I was naked."  I threw a grape at him and he caught it in his mouth, smirking.  Alex got up and sauntered over to the kitchen, wrapping his arms around me and pretty much pinning me against the counter.  "Ewww... I don't want your cooties!"  I squealed a little.

 

He kissed me then, soft and bittersweet.  "I love you, Kat."

 

I felt my face getting hot and I looked up at him.  "Wait- You what?!"

 

"I love you."

 

I smiled and kissed his face.

 

"Feel free to say it back..."  Alex looked down at me, his voice wavering.

 

"I love you too."  We both smiled.  He kissed me again, loving the feel of his lips against mine.  "You love me."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I ran away (actually, I don't think you can call it running away once you turn eighteen) shortly after I turned eighteen.  I lived in Phoenix, Arizona since I was 14 and pretty much everywhere else before then.  My dad was in the army, so we moved a lot, and we always had nice houses and cars.  My brother died in an accident the day of his fifteenth birthday.  I guess that's what happens when you drink under aged and decide to illegally drive your mother’s car?

 

And I've had my share of boys (not that I'd gone very far with them) but only one serious boyfriend.  His name was Cody Mitchell and we'd dated since tenth grade.  He was cute, in the boy-ish kind of way.  Black hair that was long enough for flicking and bright green eyes, the kind with little flecks of grey.  Okay, so maybe he was hot, in the way-more-than-hot kind of way.

 

We'd dated for three years, and I'd thought they were the best in my life.  But I was wrong.  They were great until the end of junior year.  That's when he'd started to beat me.  At first it was only the occasional smack to the face, easy enough to come up with an excuse for.  But after a while the blows came harder.  He started hitting me everywhere but my neck and head, leaving bruises and cuts, which now have turned to scars.  I became afraid of him, but I loved him anyway because he was my Cody and he told me he loved me too.  I was afraid to break up with him because he said he'd kill me.  So I solved that problem . . . I ran away.

 

That was when I went to NYC.  How I met Alex was another thing entirely.

 

I was at a party and was drinking a little, may have been smoking a little too.  I saw him standing across the room talking to some people I didn't know.  But I knew that I liked, er... Hated him right away.  There was just something about him that made me want to scream.

 

Scream like no one could hear me.

 

He turned around and gave me the best smile I have ever seen.  His brown, shaggy hair slightly in his face and his grey, purple-flecked eyes locked onto mine.  I started over towards him to say hello and one of the drunkest people anyone will ever meet pushed me into the keg, which made me spill my beer.  People yelled and shoved me away, but Alex was there and he caught me before I fell into the glass coffee table.

 

Maybe that's why I hated him?  Because he saved me from pain when pain was all I'd ever known?

 

Sometimes I still wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I'd never met him.  But maybe we would have met differently anyway, maybe fate had a plan for us.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next morning when I wake up, I'm in Alex's bed.

 

Oh s**t, I thought, S**t.  S**t.  S**t.  We couldn't have . . . Could we?  I sit up and pull the sheets up to cover myself.  Looking down at him, he looks so peaceful in his sleep, his hair partially covering his face and his arms wrapped around his pillow.  I reach over and put my hand on his back, giving him a little shake.  "Alex."  Nothing.  "Alex, wake up."

 

He groaned and rolled onto his back.  "What?"

 

"Did we- Did we have sex?"  My voice was a little shaky.

 

"Mhmm."

 

I froze and he opened his eyes.  "Oh s**t."  I muttered.

 

Alex looked at me.  "We had-" His eyes were wide.  He sprung out of bed and looked around.  I handed him his pillow.

 

"Could you maybe, um, cover . . . yourself?"  I asked, looking away.  "Please?"  My face turned bright red, I could feel it.

 

Alex covered himself with the pillow and slowly moved over to his dresser, where he put on some pants, still frozen with shock.

 

"How?"  I rubbed my eyes.

 

"The wine."

 

Last night we had a little wine, or maybe a whole bottle, I can't really remember.  But what I do remember is that we talked about life and how Alex got tired of all the nameless faces and how I was abused.  We talked about life, staying up until three or four in the morning laughing with each other until laughter faded into kissees.

 

"Did I-" I shuttered as I spoke.  "Did I like it?"

 

"Kitty," God I hated it when he called me that.  "If you were a moaner before you are most definitely a screamer now."  He half smirked.

 

"Not.  Funny."

 

"You're so cute when you blush."  He teased, sitting on the edge of the bed.  "But maybe you'd like to get out of bed today?  Or maybe we could . . ."

 

"Oh God, no.  Don't even suggest that."

 

"Too late."

 

I sighed and reached for my shirt, but all I could find was his, and slipped it on.  Blowing my hair out of my face as I stood up, I looked at him.  "I, um, have to go."  I headed toward the door and to the bathroom down the hall.  I turned on the shower as hot as my skin could take it and got in, not even bothering to take off the navy blue t-shirt. As soon as my face hit the water I started to cry. It seemed like I was standing there for hours, but there was a finally a knock on the door, one I wasn't sure I wanted to hear, as I sat against the side of the tub, the water spraying over me.

 

"Kat?  You okay?"

 

"Go away."

 

"Kat . . ." He didn't even wait for me to respond, Alex just came in.  He pressed his hand against the dark green shower curtain and I shoved against it, but he didn't even budge.

 

"Go. Away." I repeated.

 

Apparently that means to sit with me because that's what he did. Alex pushed the shower curtain aside and sat next to me, not taking off his Superman pajama pants. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed my forehead as I leaned into him, burying my face in his neck. "It’s okay, my Kitten." I sniffled. "You don't have to be scared."

 

"But I am. I don't remember what we did, or if I even liked it." I sobbed. "I don't want you to leave me like you did those other girls . . ."

 

"Kitten." Alex sighed and pressed his forehead against mine. "I'm not going to leave you unless you send me away. I meant it when I said I love you."

 

"You love me." I whispered, biting my lip.

 

"I love you." Alex repeated as he reached over and turned off the water.  "Let's get you dry, okay?"

 

"Okay . . ."

 

He pulled himself to his feet then picked me up and brought me to his room, where he gave me his Batman pajama pants and a dry purple t-shirt.  I put them on then sank down onto the bed and gave him the wet shirt.

 

"You were in there for almost an hour.  Are you burned?"

 

I shook my head.  He took the shirt and threw it in his laundry basket.  Then as I looked away he took off his pants and replaced them with jeans.  He chuckled under his breath.  "You don't have to look away anymore, you've seen me naked."

 

I made a face and he laughed at me.  "I'd rather not, but, uh . . . Thanks?"

 

Alex laid on the bed and pulled me down on him.  He took my hand and kissed my fingertips, sending warmth through my body and butterflies in my stomach.  He kissed my cheek and wrapped his arms around my stomach.

 

"Alex . . ."

 

"Hmm?"  He kissed my face again.

 

"Stop."  I mumbled.  But I didn't want him to stop.  I never wanted him to stop.  "Please, stop . . ."

 

Alex looked at me with concern dancing in his eyes.  I shook my head and smiled.  He smiled back and brushed his fingers through my brunette hair.  "Say that thing again."  I whispered into his ear.

 

"I love you."

 

I kissed him on the lips, returning the warmth.  We tangled our legs together and fell asleep for the remainder of the morning.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Soon days bled into weeks.  It got colder; the sun was out less and less.  Winter.  Snow.  Things progressed with Alex at a rapid pace.  From that first night in the same room, not exactly sleeping, it had been happening more.  Not that I really opposed to it.  Alex was right; I did like it.

 

One day I came home to find him lying on the couch, covered in a tie blanket without the Tv or radio on.  Nothing, just silent.  He was staring up at the ceiling, his chest rising and falling with his rapid breathing.

 

"Are you okay?"  I pause behind the couch on the way to my room.

 

"Mhmm."  He sounded dead.

 

"You sure?  You don't sound very okay."

 

"I would be if you'd just shut up and leave me alone."  Alex rolled over."

 

"What?"

 

"Woman, I have a migraine and I'm trying to sleep."  He mumbled into the couch pillow.  "And I'm hungry, go make me a sammich."

 

"Go make yourself a sandwich.  I'm not your maid."  I stalked off to my room.

 

Okay, so it wasn't exactly an argument; but it was the start of it all.  Soon those little banters turned into full blown arguments, screaming at each other with hatred on our faces.  It was always about the little things like leaving the toilet seat up or listening to the radio too loud.  We grew more irritated with each other, making love more as if to succumb our arguing.  But it didn't really help.  Thing just got worse.  Eventually our arguing got so bad things were thrown or broken.  Nothing ever got thrown at each other, but at the wall or down to the floor and they usually shattered as they hit their final destination.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Alex?"  I peer into his room, holding a little blue stick behind my back.  "Can we talk?"

 

He was laying on his bed, staring out the window in the silence of his room, looking as if there was nothing left to do in this world.  And I know I'd caused this.

 

"Please."

 

Alex waved me in and I sat at the edge of the bed.  "What's up?"  He didn't even try to hide the sadness in his voice anymore.  He looked at me, his eyes filled with pain.  Pain that seared into me and broke my heart.

 

"I-"  I sighed and started over.  "I'm pregnant."

 

"Okay.  Cool."

 

"And . . . I want an abortion."

 

"No."  Alex sat up.  "No."

 

I looked away.  "I'm not ready for a baby.  You're not ready for a baby.  And I really think-"

 

"No."  He repeated as he stood.

 

"Don't tell me no.  It's mostly my decision if I want to put myself through that."  I stood as well.  "You can't tell me that I can't abort."

 

"It's not right, Kitty."  Right then I felt the love in his voice when he called me that.  And for one I didn't mind.  "It's a living being, you'll be a murderer if you abort."

 

I shake my head.  "What am I supposed to do then?  Give it up for adoption?!"

 

"We could talk about that option-"

 

"No, Alex!  That would be harder than aborting.  I can't have a baby and give it up, Alex, I just can't."  I threw my hands up in protest.

 

"Then we can keep it."  I saw the exhaustion on his face.  He was too tired for an argument and so was I, but for some reason it was exactly what I wanted.  "Kat, can we talk about this later?"

 

"No, I want to talk about this now.  You always avoid issues.  I'm tired of it.  We're talking about this right now."  I looked at him.

 

"Kat."

 

"Right.  Now."  Let the screaming commence.

 

"Yeah, fine . . . Whatever."  Whoa.  Not what I was expecting.  Alex sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  "Get an abortion then, I'll support your decision.  I don't agree with it, but I'll support it."  He looked away as he plopped down on the edge of the bed, rubbing his face.  I sank down next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

 

"Are you sure you're okay?"

 

"Yeah, I'll be fine.  I'm just tired of us arguing all the time.  I miss how we were, don't you?"  He rested his head against mine.

 

I close my eyes.  "Say that thing again?"  I whispered.

 

"I love you."  He whispered back.

 

"I love you, too."

 

The air seemed thick and we stayed like that for what seemed like forever.  I wanted to stay like that forever.  I wanted us to stay like that forever.  But one of us had to break the silence, and it was Alex.  "What are we going to do?"

 

"I told you-"

 

"Not about that, I'm supporting you one hundred percent.  I meant, what are we going to do about us?"  He lifted his head and looked down at me as I leaned into him.

 

"I don't know, Alex.  Maybe we would be better off separated?"

 

"No, don't say that."  He said that with so much force that I had to look up at him.  "Don't talk like that.  We're supposed to be together, but not like this.  I'm tired of fighting; I just want to be with you.  No complications.  No arguments."

 

"Alex?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I love you."

 

"I know, Baby, I know."  He kissed my face.  "I know."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

So I got that abortion, I did what was right for me.  At least, I thought it was right for me.  But after it was done I wasn't so sure.  I never will be.

 

Two weeks after it was done I woke up in my bed, the door to my room open.  I sat up and looked around as I brushed my hair back into a messy bun.  I pushed the sheets away and stood up then went into the living room.

 

All of Alex's stuff was gone.  Everything.  The only thing left of his was a picture of the two of us walking along the beach, holding hands while my hair danced with the wind.  I picked up the picture.  There was a note taped to the back.  He knew I'd look at it, I could feel it.  He knew.

 

Kat,

I'm sorry.  I'm tired of our fighting so I'm doing better for us both.  I'm moving on and I hope you do the same.  Please don't be made.  I love you . . . So much.  It pains me that I'll never say those words to you again.  But remember the day you told me you were pregnant and you could see the sadness in my eyes?  I knew this day was coming and I didn't want to look at you anymore.  I was afraid you'd see it too.  I didn't want to hurt you.  You'll always be on my mind and in my heart, but I want you to be happy.  I hope I'm with you always in your new life.  I left you one last thing in the kitchen in hopes that you'd always remember what we had, I know I will.

Forever and always,

Alex

 

I started to cry for the first time in years as I set the note on the coffee table.  He did it again, like he did when we first met.  Alex made me want to scream for dear life.  Scream like I was dying.  And in truth, I was dying.  Everything started to hurt but I made my way into the kitchen where on the counter was a small velvet box.  I grabbed the box, hesitating to open it.  Inside was a skinny silver chained necklace with a treble clef dangling on it, a small diamond in the middle.  It was beautiful.

 

I slipped it on and wiped my face, not knowing what to do now.  So I went back to my room in a zombie-like state and passed out.

 

Later when I woke up I stumbled around the half-empty apartment, looking for Alex, sure it was all just a dream.  But of course he was nowhere to be found.  He'd left.  He'd left because of me.  Of course it was because of me.  Why wouldn't it be?  I looked around for a while then fell back on the couch, not knowing what to do with myself with him gone.

 

There's a saying that goes, "You never know what you have until it's gone."  Well you don't.  You can never know.  And once what you have is gone, you don't know what to do with yourself.  You're stuck with nothing and you'll always have nothing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I look around the apartment one last time as I set my key on the kitchen counter.

 

"Is that everything?"  The mover guy asked me, holding a box of my clothes.

 

"Yeah."  I nodded.

 

"There's one last box in the bedroom, did you want that down in the van too?"

 

"No."  I sighed.  "No, that one goes in the car with me."

 

He nodded at me then left, taking the box with him.

 

I went into my bedroom.  It looked so naked since I had packed.  No pictures.  Nothing.  Just empty, like the rest of the apartment.  Except for a small brown box sitting in the corner.  But even that box was almost empty.  All that was in it was the picture of me and Alex, the note, and the necklace box with the necklace safely inside.  I picked it up as a small tear ran down my cheek.  This was really the last time I'd ever see this place.  See the remnants of Alex and me.  It was over.

 

As I left the bedroom I closed the door.  I went around the apartment and closed all the doors, actually.  Why did I do it?  I'm not sure.  Maybe because I couldn't stand to see the rooms or the memories that went with them?  I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.

 

Could anyone forget something wonderful they'd had with a person for three years?  Could anyone forget the love they'd created and shared?  I don't think it's possible.  But now as I exit the apartment in hopes to move on and start a new life, newly 21, hesitating in the doorway, the box cradled in one arm and my other hand on the doorknob and sighed to myself.  "Bye Alex," I whisper into the emptiness.  "I love you."

 

Forever and always.

Reviews

[watch_the_world]

This is actually amazing. I love it. Kept me reading really relate to it. I'm almost crying. Ur an amazing writer jamison. U can easily make people feel things they didn't know they had be careful with that talent:3. Absolutely astonishing bravo.

[brenda]

wow i realy couldnt stop reading ti you made emcry i wanted kat to be with alex:'(

[LostinKristina]

This made me cry, not even going to lie.
The emotion in it is just wow, thats all i can say.

I am going to add this to library so i may read it over and over again.

[Emma Lee]

You little, B***h! You made me cry. You know what?! I'ma write what really happened, and I'll make you cry!! >.>

[pamzilla. &hear..]

Jammy, this story was amazing. It was funny, it was cute, it was sad, it was heartbreaking, it was AMAZING. I'd steal it from you but sadly, it's copyrighted. This is going in my Library and I'm sharing it for the rest of the world to see :)

[Aekmy]

Wonderful story. Very emotional. Good job. (: