Writers Cafe rules 1-10

A tongue in cheek posting from 2012.

Writers Cafe Rules 1-10

A Story by Relic

A little humor goes a long way. Some writers gave me ideas for rules. That's why I thank them. 

RULE 1: CURSING: 

Freely curse in all of your poems, stories, and reviews. You'll fit right into the mix here. You'll be discredited and unimpressive to anyone who has years of experience but so what, they're the minority here. The right words in the right order don't really apply as much here anymore. 

RULE 2: DRAMA: 

Be under the age of 20. Adults don't usually get into the drama thing too much. They have other things to do. They get annoyed seeing so many young kids arguing back and forth with each other over immature issues. Pay no heed to them. Put on your best drama face and remember--all the world's a stage.

RULE 3: EROTICA:

If you're impressed with an erotic poem and you want to leave a review but don't know what to say, use the word sensual. It'll cover a lot of bases when you can't come up with a witty or deep answer. Here's an example: Wow, blah blah, this poem is so sensual, well done. If you're lucky they may thank you and start a conversation, Though I wouldn't count on it. 

RULE 4: REVIEWS: 

If you want a lot of reviews, become popular. It's always beneficial to evaluate other's work. Yet, some here have written hundreds of reviews only to give up such efforts out of frustration. Receiving meager responses will cause many to lose their interest in the site. Widespread acceptance puts you on people's good side. 

Begin your popularity quest with doting reviews and warm affectionate greetings for your targets that will make them ooze with sunshine. Soon you won't be able to contain the praises that come your way. The future is waiting. 

RULE 5: GRAMMAR: 

Don't worry about using correct grammar. That's for people who care. If you don't want to write full words, use shorthand. It may slow the reader down causing them to stumble but so what. Just add a memo in your Author's note that says, "Ignore the grammar." I'm sure your usual friends won't mind. They're using the same memo in their stories and poems too.

RULE 6: REVISIONS: 

Don't revise too much unless you want to work at it. Some writers here work a long time on a story or poem. Stick to your usual five minutes. That should be good enough. 

RULE 7: TABS: 

Make sure you have a second tab ready with a place to go to if this place freezes up. It'll keep you from becoming too frustrated. In the past, I've waited over twenty minutes to get back on, it's happened before, it will happen again.

RULE 8: SEX: 

Have sex talk with your WC sex buddy. It's popular here. I've done it twice but won't say with whom. After this, I won't be having it again. (This may be a joke but it really is commonplace here.  See below).

{Just a serious note here folks. There really are predators here that are devious and don't care that the person they're talking to is only 14-years-old. They're sick people and shouldn't be on here but the moderators are not that critical or aware I guess. If you're a girl, watch out for the slick guys who work their way in slow, you'll know who they are better than me. Other guys don't waste any time at all communicating their disgusting comments. Just saying.}

RULE 9: MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS: 

Create multiple accounts under different names but don't tell anyone. You can portray yourself as a boy or a girl and it won't matter. As long as you sound believable and have a good avatar, no one will know the difference. Trust me, there are many who do a good job depicting him or herself as someone else. I myself have two accounts; I'm a boy on each one. haha

RULE 10: SUBMISSIONS: 

Do you write books and have a chapter you want people to read? Submit it as a poem. It's a great way to trick people into thinking you're good at writing long poems. If they decide to review, you can have a good laugh. (Thanks, KAOLmsted, lol)

So there you have it. Just keep in mind that this is all tongue and cheek humor. For all the new writers, (And I'm talking about the actual new writers) you can use this as a rough guide to a wonderful experience here at Writers Cafe. Good luck to you.

To be continued....

© 2012 Relic

Author's Note

Part two of it is somewhere below the other stories and poems.

Reviews

[Lily Mae]

This is so good for so many reasons. I love the self righteous who point a finger but should look in the mirror.. I'm not saying you lol... so don't get your undies in an uproar lol.. I have accts. that I use for alter work.. Tracey is my dark side...Lily is light and fluffy. I don't' think the world should stop revolving because of that.. I know some that have had countless accts. on here, as I have. To me it doesn't matter the amount, if your picture is real, if your using Pee Wee Herman as a name, what matters to me is your work, your words. The other stuff..doesn't matter to me.
This place has to be taken with a grain of salt and alot of water to flush. But on the other side of this. I have met some genuine people that I have integrated into my real life by talking on the phone, texting, getting to know the person beyond the words shared here. And that's been a true blessing to me. Lots of good people on here :D
Your one with no butt kissing taking place even though I am coming from a sensual place lmao..xo

[The Analog Kid]

Great point, Lily!

[Relic]

That's an excellent review Lily, the words are what matter, they're the reason we're all here.

[Tate Morgan]

Lily I too have many friends here that I speak to on a regular basis. I find putting a voice to the picture helps cement bonds between us all.I think I have 5 here I talk to regularly

[Great Aunt Astri]

BUT, isn't it the poems that matter? And the stories, of course!

[Frieda P]

BHAHAHA, love it, it's so sensual. How come big mouth Avy gets a pass, no fair!
Made me laugh, truth always does...well done, where's the sex? ;-)

[Relic]

What, I'll have sex with you frieda, I think you attra....I mean, uh, oh yeah right, the story, haha Well, I did mention sex so I'll stop there. ;) Thanks for the review. Yeah, Avy did get a pass here didn't she; Hm, I'll have to keep my eye on her huh. ;)

[Frieda P]

hey, watch it I might just jump on that ;-)

[Relic]

hahaha, some have. ;)

[Frieda P]

there's gotta be a 12th rule about that!! ;P

[Relic]

There's always the possibility but I wouldn't want to be presumptuous about my popularity or style in flirtation with the ladies. haha

[Frieda P]

Since Avy's gone can I have her pass now? ;-)

[Relic]

Yes, Frieda you can, provided she doesn't come back. :)

[Frieda P]

I'll just keep her f*****g seat warm. :-P

[Relic]

hahaha, sounds good Frieda. I do miss her a bit though. Oh well, f**k it. :D

[Frieda P]

She's nowhere to be found in your rewrite, for shame! ;-P

[Relic]

That's because she left and I didn't think anyone would relate I guess. :(

[Frieda P]

You're lucky I remembered, cause that hardly ever happens. There's still a lot of us that recall trash mouth ;-)

[Relic]

haha, yeah she did have a trashy mouth for sure, I let her know about it though. I think we were on good terms regardless but who knows, she never messaged me back when she closed her account. I guess I was crap to her, I don't know.

[Frieda P]

S**t happens, you know...

[Relic]

Yeah, it does. Whatever...

[Frieda P]

@#10 you ever going to reveal your secret identity?

[Relic]

The only one I have left is Relic Stories which I just opened. I'll take my time with that one though, no one seems to like stories. I also closed up my Pendragon account so that's it.

[Frieda P]

I'm a culprit myself, don't read many stories here, I'd much rather read poetry, but I have enjoyed the stories I've read.

[Relic]

I just do it for fun but I put some work into it for anyone who might be interested.

[Frieda P]

hahaha is that a subtle hint Relic? ;-)

[Relic]

No, no, just sayin. Like I said, I'm taking my time with it. It's like sitting on a street watching cars go by and they rarely go bye. ha

[Frieda P]

hmm do you do that often? come sit on my couch... ;-)

[Relic]

If you have room. haha

[Frieda P]

wait...how big are you? ;-P

[Relic]

About 6 in...I mean, uh, I'm 6 foot.

[Pax]

oh... i came back again reading these rules...
funny, witty and so entertaining to read..
awesome!!!!!!!!

[Relic]

Thank you very much Pax.

[New Dawn]

Hi Serah, you certainly know how to stir everyone up - I tend to think of you as the conscience of the site:) We all need reminding sometimes of how to behave. I think its important though to appreciate that the young people on here use it as a social networking site because they have grown up with these sites and know no other way. Personally I don't take offence if people don't review - I have faith in my poetry and don't really write for reviews. Reviews that haven't been thought through are not worth getting anyway. perhaps we should form a group for the more mature poets on here - we could call it ' The Old Gits' or something :) Interesting write as always Serah - oh and so sensual lol

[Relic]

I'm sure Serah will enjoy your review. ;)

[.]

~ haha... shelley, my sweetest friend... this post is written by mister house of relics... so, i believe he deserves all the praise... including the "sensual" bit... ~ you are too cute... :D

[.]

~ and, i think that poetry group idea is a great one... if you start it, i'll definitely join the group... :)

[New Dawn]

my sincere apologies friend for such a mistake, in my defence I came into this through a review thread and you have a similar viewpoint to serah - so evrything I said to Serah applies to you - some very pertinant advice. please ignore my stupidity - put it down to my mature years:)

[Relic]

haha, you're not stupid at all, I did the same thing one night. It wasn't until I saw it on the home page that I realized what I had done. You are forgiven and thank you very much. ;)

[Patch Silver]

I want in on the group! This "story" made me laugh so hard, because it is so true. Well done House of Relics. I passing this along to my WC friends!

[Relic]

Thanks so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[.]

~ here's the link to the group...

http://www.writerscafe.org/groups/THE-OLD-GITS/9244/

[.]

~ excellent work... very insightful... i laughed a lot at # 3... i was very distressed by what happens to teens... i tend to stay away from teens because reading a young writer is serious business... and i am unable to be consistently attentive... also, i write dark poetry sometimes and i don't want to wrongly influence a young mind...

~ in addition, i'd like to add that racism is a big problem on this site... the site can't do anything about it but it is...

~ quality has no meaning at all... everything has to do with sitting on the "live update" page... catching the people who review and return-review... and tapping into the resource pool...

~ however, i must add that there are many who read silently... which is a lot like reading a book but saying nothing to the author...

~ there are gangs here... and so there's plenty of politics too...

~ i'm not someone who believes that any potentially unpleasant feedback should be given in public... i used to be a feedback skills trainer and the global convention is to give any potentially unpleasant feedback in private...

~ and last but not the least, i wrote three spoof poems... i'll email them to you as i've unpublished them... but they pretty much reveal the three most popular poem templates that different people rehash...

~ oh... and plagiarism is rampant here...

[Relic]

I was not aware of a racism problem here as I'm not on as much as I used to be although as far as gangs...I have seen them and I know what you're talking about. As far as plagiarism, I've heard about that as well. I don't think anything of mine has been stolen but I'm sure there is always the possibility some of my poems are on another site by another author.

Thank you very much for reading and your informative review.

[.]

~ you're very welcome... i was targeted yesterday... and i'm really glad i read this post today... ~ the truth is pretty liberating... even if it's unpleasant...

[Relic]

That's a shame to hear but I'm sure the offender was probably young and stupid.

[.]

~ well... young at heart maybe... and certainly not stupid... i think it takes a certain kind of sharpness to be cheap, mean and vulgar... ~ but thank you for your concern... i haven't allowed it to blur my mind...

[Relic]

Good for you.

[.]

~ yeah... a year back something like this could've demolished me...

[The Analog Kid]

Nice light-hearted post, Tim:)

[Fabian G. Franklin]

The really good writers don't give a crap if they get reviewed. They see 117 views...no reviews. What do the viewers have to offer? Nothing. Because most likely they are as illiterate as they are wishful. I say choose quality over quantity. Only make friends with those who are your peers or at least competent. That will be a difficult search in and of itself. But aside from that this is sorely accurate. In fact, the site loads so slow I'm surprised it has any members willing to waste thier life on it at all...HEAR ME CHARLERS KONSOR? There are too many other reputable and established sites out there like Deviant Art...Apollo Blessed...Blogger...Blogspot...I could go on for hours...explore on your own. The web is BIG. Lately this site has been eating my reviews! I was told by a friend of mine who I trust. So good luck to the wannabes who are talentless hacks. Go for it. I hope I never catch you in my classroom.

[Relic]

haha, Thanks for the good advice Fabian and a well written review. My frustration with the site spilled over and this is the result. Ironic it made it to number one. Good luck.

[Ice QueenJen]

I liked this and found that most of it is accurate, but we are all here to have a wonderful writing experience too. Yet i can barely keep one account going, so I couldn't possibly create another account,lol. Thank you for writing this too!

[Relic]

Thanks for reviewing. I have two although the other is not fairing as well. Ha

[Kenneth The Poet]

Deadly accurate I think. I tend to review only my friends and only go other's pages via my news feed. I found this one by breaking that rule, going to the writing home page and seeing this under "popular". Had to read it and I must say I'm impressed.

Thank you for the sarcastic tone, it really puts the message home.

One suggested edit: don't accept friend requests from people don't review your work first. Otherwise, one decent handbook.

[Relic]

Thank you so much for breaking the rule Kenneth, I appreciate it. I'm glad you saw it as sarcastic as that was the intention. As far as accepting people who only review, I did a whole story on it years ago. My bio mentions my intentions. Thanks.

[Kenneth The Poet]

Not a problem. I'll read some more when I get a chance.

[Relic]

:)

[Baby Ricochet]

HA! My earlier poems are nothing but swearing because I thought the F bomb equaled art. I was also writing about my service in the Marine corps, a world where the f bomb was a noun, a verb, an abjective, a pronoun, an abverb even from time to time a conjunction so it just seemed natural to me. What few reviews I did get all said the same stuff. Powerful, Real and raw, raw, raw. So i thought Holy f**k balls these mother fuckers like f*****g reading f**k, f**k. I've toned that down a bit since. THanks for the rules. Great f*****g job!!!

[Relic]

hahaha, thank you so much for your review baby, I enjoyed the f**k out of it. haha