The Philosophy of Inquisitiveness or Rather, Why I'm Stupid (in X Amount of Words)

The title pretty much says its all really... *sigh*

     I�ve always been an inquisitive sort of chap�
     Don�t go there.
     I wouldn�t if I were you.
     Stop!
     I wouldn�t touch her with a barge pole if I were you. (2 weeks on Doxycycline, for my troubles�)
     Don�t look now.
     Don�t touch�
     Statements like these instantly bring up an old clich� containing the words Red Rag and Bull.

     I blame my Mum. I remember at an early age messing about in the kitchen and making a grab for a hot pan on the stove. Mum slapped my hand away and said, �Don�t touch that! It�s is red hot, if you touch it you�ll burn yourself, don�t be silly!�
     Silly.
     Don�t be silly� hmm�
     Don�t touch that� hmmmm.
     I watched as Mum stepped into the larder to fetch the pasta.
     Don�t touch that�
     How hot can it be?
     I was a 5 year old Johnny Knoxville�
     How hot can it be? Very f*****g hot, that was the answer; very f*****g hot indeed�
     Consequently, I still have the scar on the palm of my right hand. I also still feel bad about my      Mum crying after the Nurse in Casualty gave her a strict dressing down and a stern lecture about small boys, kitchens and hot pots.
     But that was the sort of kid I was.

     Later in life, I was lining my Piranha XL up with a steep drop rugged hill, a large tree-root-cum-ramp and a set of spiked railings. Now if I can clear those iron railings, I should be able to land my BMX on top of that asbestos roofed garage�
     My friend Stuart eyed it warily. �I wouldn�t if I were you��
     I smiled.
     Then I punctured a lung.
     Mum was absolutely pissed.

     Years later, on shore leave in Cartegena, Colombia. The Executive Officer of HMS Montrose made a broadcast over the Ship�s tanoy: �You are to keep out of unmarked cars, these are NOT taxis; there are people here who represent a clear and very real danger to members of our Ship�s Company. Do NOT go into the old town. Do NOT accept invites into any backstreet bars, STAY in the square.�
     Sigh�some people never learn do they?

     A few years after that, my best mate Nick said, �Mate, if I were you I�d steer well clear of that bird, she�s a s**t load of trouble.�
     A word floated across my eyes, blotting out all reasonable thought. B***s.
     �Honestly mate I wouldn�t touch her with a barge pole if I were you.�
     B***s.
     Sigh� I now have a 9 year old son that costs me �200 a month in maintenance. It also took me a whole fortnight to get over that dose of Gonorrhoea she decided to share with me. Which was nice.

     I think my point is that bouts of (varying degrees of) stupidity do occasionally pay dividends. You have to chance your hand.
     I was a hero to my school mates for leaping over the railings, it was just a shame that the asbestos roof wasn�t ready to bear the weight of one BMX (XL or otherwise) + 10 year old rider. They still talk about it even now, so I hear.
     I had a crazy, trouble free night in Colombia meeting some of the most interesting and colourful characters you could ever wish to meet. I recall downing shots on a table dancing with topless hookers in a bar that reminded me very much of the T***y Twister in �From Dusk Til Dawn� and doing the Macarena.
     Courtesy of the untrustworthy and decidedly unclean bar girl, I now have an amazing (and healthy) 9 year old son who, thankfully, is less adventurous and more well-balanced than I was.

     Of course, this all brings me to this point. This one microcosmic, life defining point. The do I or don�t I? point.
     Becoming involved in an �above top secret� Government project was one of the smarter decisions I might have made in my time. I mean, this is way above Men in Black and Stargate SG1 stuff; this goes waaaay beyond.

     Imagine this; imagine if we could stop conflicts before they happened, before they became a twinkle in the savage eye of a dictator. Before that even�
     �Oh I�m sorry Mrs Hussein, we appear to have dropped your baby.�
     �Oh dear has Mrs Hitler fallen down stairs again? That is clumsy.�
     �Congratulations Mrs Bin Laden, it�s a girl!�
     Now that would be something, to alter the course of history; to affect changes before they even occurred. We have agents sat at key points throughout time, ready and waiting� it�s really quite exciting. The difficult part is affecting these changes and rapidly tracing their effects prior to that effect becoming a major event in our time. If you change too much, everything could change, it could all end. Kind of like lighting one of a hundred fuses and tracing which stick of dynamite it�s going to set off before moving to a safe distance. The more recent the history, the quicker we have to trace and react� if we light the wrong fuse, in short, we�re hosed.
     Of course in order to prevent this sort of clusterfuck, you always need a failsafe. Something to snuff out the crackling fuse if it looks like it�s going to create a massive cosmic balls-up.
     A backspace�
     You need a delete button�
     Professor Meinheimer gave me a sacrosanct nod just moments before he left for the loo.
     The nod meant, you�re sure.
     It meant, you are in a position of unenviable trust.
     The nod meant, do NOT touch that button.

     I�m looking at it right now�
     The history erase button. Big, red and pulsing. A fat, mushroom, blinking.
     Yes / No. Yes / No. YES / NO.
     Oh man, now I know how those guys felt in the bunker on LOST. I mean erasing history, how bad could it be?

     Do NOT touch that button.

     I can�t help but smile.

     Do NO- �wink!�

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Author's Note

This may or may not be a true story...
Either way.... it's not just me, look!: http://www.darwinawards.com/

Reviews

[Sunny]

Cute as usual. You know you are up to no good and go ahead and do it anyway. Sounds like someone I know but I have gotten wiser with age (I would like to believe).

Gee, maybe that is why the man in my life comes home as soon as he can after work and every event (golf, sports bar). He isn't that attracted to me, he is just afraid I will blow up the house by using the microwave (I just wanted to find out what would happen if you did put a punch of foil in it, gees louise.) And we will not talk about choices of bedmates okay?

[Marie]

Wow, not sure many people could admit to being stupid. Nicely written and thanks for sharing.

[dead]

Haha … Howie you are great! First of all, if I was you I would not become a philosopher!
Wow … Colombia with the not so yellow cab ride … heck you actually saw Colombia … let us think of the typical tourist I have been there or there … what did you see? … well the swimming pool was great … or think of young people … I went on holiday … where? … Ibiza … any good? … yes loads of nightclubs … but you saw the one nightclub that matters … the t***y twister, now that is something you can talk about …
I bet you and your son are great together; there is nothing in this world like kids! The burning stove, reminds me of some comedian I once heard on TV, I can’t remember his name now, but anyway, the difference between mothers and father: don’t touch the stove! Why? It is hot! What is that? You’ll hurt yourself? Why? Because the stove is hot? What? (Ad Nauseam) Father: Don’t touch the stove? Why? It is hot? Hot? What is that? Just go ahead and touch it you will know!

[T. Blake Braddy]

Great stuff.

Sigh� I now have a 9 year old son that costs me �200 a month in maintenance. It also took me a whole fortnight to get over that dose of Gonorrhoea she decided to share with me. Which was nice.

One of my favorite lines. You don't even need to type the sigh at the beginning of the sentence. I could hear you sighing, and that just makes it even funnier.

Is any of the stuff you mentioned autobiographical, at all? Namely puncturing a lung or partying in a place akin to the T***y Twister from 'Dusk'? If so, congrats.

Always good to read your stuff. Keep up with posting, and I'll keep reading.

[Donald Meikle]

Gawd! there I was lonely thinking no one else could think like that. Don't whatever you do don't. well that's not too bad. And you'd think those crazy barstids would put someone in charge that was careful.Oh well I'm out now nothing can go too wrong............Three grown daughters and nobody killed (yet)

[James Watts]

Toofunny lo. Sadly I kowpeopl like that lol. Nice wok

[Sammypookins]

In answer to the statement above I never doubted it ! Thoroughly entertaining, would benefit from use of the word embolden. Chance your hand oh how I love doing that if you never try you never know. Some class lines in here made me laugh throughout. Class act. Sam x

[Yvonne Heidt]

This was absolutely entertaining! I laughed out loud and I am looking over my shoulder as I write! Fantastic job...