B r o k e n soul

This is based on a girl I once spoke to on twitter.

Her brother swooped from the bridge
But his wings were b r o k e n and failed
He welcomed the train that silenced
The final breath when he exhaled

Her father was an inn ocent being
But the bullet ripped t hrough him still
His body shattered in a n instant
Is this what we call G od's good will?

Tonight she dreads the coffin
The pain that tomorrow will bring
But she'd rather damag e her body
With a me tal inflicted sting

She slashes and rips 'til it's too much
Even her blade can't blur the thoughts
Her desire
is
to
lie
six
feet
under
She plans her own dark plots

Taking the blade and a handful
Of red white capsule pills
She opens her throat and trembling lips
Awaiting
the moment
her
body
stills.

Reviews

[Nirego]

Damn... That's dark. I'm actually slightly on edge - you've described everything so well, the formatting and structure is really well thought out and the presentation and the rhythm are great - slow/fast/slow...

Such a sad story, but you've done a really good job telling it.

The only awkwardness I had reading it, was the random spaces in some of the words (not the "b r o k e n")

[paperdaydreams]

Thankyou, it is a really emotional story so I'm glad I managed to show that. Ahh with the words broken up I wanted to leave wide gaps between the words but it would only let me do one gap or split them in half on here

[Nirego]

I see, it works with broken and the single word verses are good, but the other words like "G od" and "inn ocent" were quite awkward.