Untitled/Ch. One

The first chapter, introducing Anna and her questioning of Who is God, and her doubts of her impending forced marriage.

hallenges the religious cult she’s been brought up in, and dare to believe that God’s love could be so much more than the angry iron fist she has always known, and to love an outsider from a completely other world…Her world will crumble. Everything she loves will be ripped away. Can she survive it?

 

         Chapter One

 

Thick fog nestled the small village, enveloping it along with autumnal color and morning’s dew. Birds chirped, awaking the sun and bidding all life to embrace the day.

            Bare feet slid from a crisp bed and onto wooden plank floors. The floor length white nightgown made a solemn swish as it brushed against the floor.

            Mama stood at the stove stirring a steaming pot. Papa sat at the table, bent over his knees, tying his heavy boots.

            “Good morning.”

            Papa glanced at her. She loved his rugged face with his graying beard and weathered eyes. There was always a warmth about him that made her feel safe.

            “Good morning, Anna.” Papa’s big hands enveloped the pipe that had been held between his chapped lips.

            Mama turned, a wooden spoon in her hand with steam rolling from it. “Go wake Seth and Gabriel.”

            The boys shared a room in their small log house.

            “Wake up, boys. Come on. Time for chores.” They shifted in their beds with muffled groans. “Come on.”

            When they started rising she left them and went to her room, where she pulled one of her simple, ankle length dresses from the closet. Freshly washed, it smelled of mama’s homemade soap, and then the scent of nature caught in the very fibers of it as it had dried outside. Tights on next, and then simple black shoes with laces.

            Anna braided her hair and left it trailing down her back.

            Anna set the wooden oak table with plates and silverware. Papa came in with fresh milk. The boys were still out feeding and watering the animals. They would be back soon, starving and eating portions meant for two of papa.

            Mama smiled. “Are you excited for the youth gathering tonight?”

            Anna nodded. “Yes. Lily is supposed to walk there with me tonight.”

            Fall had begun to nestle itself around them, in the trees, in the sky, in beautiful burning colors. Every change of season the youth would have a gathering while Bishop talked to them, then they would sing, eat and talk.

            “This may be your last season to go,” Mama said with a wink.

            Anna forced her fear away into the darkest corner of her mind. “Yes, I know.”

            “You’ll be sixteen in less than a week.”

            She didn’t need reminding.

            “By winter you may be a bride.”

            She forced a smile. I’m not ready, Lord. “I hope so.” That was what she was supposed to say. All the young girls her age were excited and beaming. Sixteen meant you could be chosen in the marriage season. The Bishop would choose you as a mate for who he saw fit.

            Papa smoked his pipe quietly. He knew her better than anyone. And he knew that she wanted more time. If the Bishop chose her a groom next week, or next month, she would have to obey him.

            But her heart would not.

            Obedience. Always be obedient to the Bishop and to your parents. God will shine on you if you do.

            Mama had said that countless times.

            Steaming oatmeal was dished out between them all. Anna could barely find the appetite to pick at her small portion. The thought of being given away terrified her. She loved being home with her parents and brothers. Mama singing at night as she finished doing her daily duties. Papa sitting in a chair with his pipe and an old book in hand. Sometimes he read to them. Something Anna wished so much that she could do. Only males were taught to read and write.

            Women have no need of these things, Anna. We take care of our families. That is all we must know how to do.

            Mama never second guessed anything like Anna. She was an angel. If her parents, or Bishop knew the horrible doubts that crossed her mind, she would be forced into a fast for days and possibly face a beating until she was cleansed of it.

            After breakfast she was in charge of collecting and folding the laundry, scrubbing all the floors with mama, dusting, making the beds, and then the windows. She finished dutifully.

            “May I go for a walk, Mama?”

            Mama was resting for a moment. She was tired these days. Massaging her temple with one hand and holding a cup of coffee with the other, she nodded.

            “Be back within an hour and a half, Anna. We’ve bread to bake and a cake to finish for the youth.”

            “Yes, Mama.”

            Long walks had a way of mending her troubled mind and soothing her soul. There was more to her walks than Mama or Papa knew, and they must never find out.

            The barn door whined as she opened it. The cows stared at her, obviously distraught that she had troubled their peace. One of the horses that Papa was still taming was in his stall. He watched curiously. In the very last stall was her friend, her best friend, even more so than Lily. Anna could never tell Lily about her doubts, about her fears and hopes. They were everything that their people were taught not to be.

            “Shh, come here. Come on. Time for our walk.”

            Anna had found the fawn last year. The mother had been shot and killed just moments before. From the blood trail she had ran quite a distance with her helpless fawn following behind, until she had just given out. The hunters were in the distance talking quietly as they followed the trail. The fawn had looked so afraid. It was cuddled up against the mother, shivering. Anna had picked it up and ran with all her might. She fed the fawn with a bottle until it was big enough to graze. She kept it warm and sometimes slept in the stall with it. Now the fawn had turned into a beautiful doe.

            The down of it like silk against her fingers.

            Brownie followed her like a loyal dog. She never strayed. They went into the woods behind the house, the familiar way they always took. The woods was damp with morning dew and nightly rain. Burning, beautiful colors everywhere. Birds sung melodically. When she was far enough away from home and knew nobody else was around she began to sing with all of her heart. Not the way the church sang, without passion or conviction, but with everything she felt inside of her.

            The words flowed from her mouth. Their feet crunched against the bramble and wood until they came to their spot. A place nobody knew about. An alter made from stones, branches, and sticks. Hidden and nestled against an ancient tree with moss grown all over it. Amber, orange, and dark brown leaves hung around it.

            Anna lifted her skirt above her knees �" a forbidden thing to do, and sunk down onto the muddy earth. Head knelt, she waited to feel the presence of the Lord. She waited and searched herself to know what to say.            

            “Lord, why do I doubt everything I’ve been taught my entire life? I feel so broken. I love you with all of my heart �" my being. Show me if this is truly your way. Show me who you really are.”

            Warm tears trickled down her cold cheeks. Would God still love her if she doubted these ways? The Bishop said that He wouldn’t. God would smite her for disobedience. Yet, somehow, Anna felt him with her. When she prayed there was a peace nestled into her soul. A still small voice spoke from deep within her.

                        I will be with you always.

            Anna stood from the alter, leaving tears and a measure of sorrow for herself. She didn’t want to be disobedient. She didn’t want God’s love and mercy to forsake her.

            The God she had come to know, that she talked to, that surrounded her with love didn’t seem like the angry God the Bishop preached about all of the time. The Bishop said God would smite whoever doubted, forsake those who didn’t believe and let the evil one have them, to devour them.

            Teach me your ways, O God, and show me who you are. 

Reviews

[DDG]

Jessi,
I'm just now realizing that it's been a year since you've posted any updates to this story. Have you worked on it since?

As far as your first chapter goes, it has me intrigued for sure. There is some repetition of words early on (nestled and enveloped) that I think may benefit from being replaced with a synonym, but overall I think you've set up Anna's conflict pretty well.

Sometimes we need to put our stories aside for a while to consider the bigger picture and I hope that's the case here. I think there's a lot of potential in just the small moves your chess pieces have made here that would benefit from you continuing to establish the world, the cult, and Bishop.

Don't give up on it!

[Nigel Newman]

Hi Jessi. This has been here for over a year and nobody has commented. It seems so unfair when I see some folk seemingly reviewed all the time. I do wonder about WC sometimes. Anyway, here I am, and I think you've made a nice start to who knows what kind of story and outcomes we're yet to see. I especially like your sensory descriptions of the environment, the weather, etc. For example ...freshly washed, it smelled of mama’s homemade soap, and then the scent of nature caught in the very fibers of it as it had dried outside.... Your dialogue is also perfectly fine, but those were the parts that sang for me. I have a few edit points which you may find helpful:
- I think 'alter' means change and that you mean 'altar'
- your intro statement is truncated at the start
- you have two 'floor' references in the 2nd para; I think it would read better if you could find a different word for one of them
- You could probably do with a connecting statement between 'Go wake' and her calling out. It reads as though she's calling from still being right next to her parents
- I would change 'second guessed' to 'questioned', although you may feel that's too confrontational; this issue with second guessed is that it's usually used to describe cunning and quick-thinking, for example in competitive situations (Player X second guessed what Player B would do)
- ... The words flowed from her mouth. Their feet crunched against the bramble and wood ... It would be a great vision to have the words bouncing around the trees because of the joy and freedom, but the feet crunching suggests you just mean her and the fawn rather than her words. Might be best to clarify
- above her knees " a forbidden ... and also... of my heart " my being ... why the quotation marks?
- there's a couple of places early on where you refer to 'Bishop' rather than 'The Bishop'. It might be deliberate, but I thought I'd mention it

Anyway, those are my main edit suggestions. I think it captures a strict protestant almost Amish Mennonite way of living. And I suppose that's my final thought. Hard as it may be, I'd be tempted to delay her walk into the woods until Ch 2 and use Ch 1 to offer no more than hints to the reader of her doubts, and also use Ch 1 to spell out more about what the family actually does - do they farm or what? It may help you to look at the early passages in James Michener's 'Centennial' where he introduces the Zendts, and in particular Levi.

OK I'll stop there. So I hope the first review of your story has been worthwhile for you. I wouldn't have done so had it not felt worth the time to do so.

Regards
Nigel

[Jessi]

Thanks, Nigel. I really appreciate the advice. I am glad you caught the alter, when I had intended altar! Thank you for that. And I will look into shifting the walking seen into the second chapter. I think you are right, and that would benefit the story more.