what's it

don't touch me

iam trying to forget you

don't try to kiss me 

and a slap comes through your face

and i can't sleep and 

i don't sleep cause i miss the love .

but baby it's over already 

what do you want more?

iam not in love.

Oh, god knows.

I can't even kiss no more.

I drink but i still can't forget

your everything that was like a shadow in front of me 

but for you it was a table game where you hit &

won it all

and i was the one left there like thin air

where i try to drink to throw everything away

but i still can't

cause the memories are too strong 

for me to forget.

Reviews

[Wild Rose]

Yes it is often so hard to say goodbye

It's the memories
They are there like an odd sock at the back of a drawer, that keeps poping up
You cant wear it because it has no partner
Yet the partner is there; somewhere
You cant throw it out because you used to like them

How can we erase them?

[Intothemilkyway]

Erase them.? I have no idea.
I think it's more of you just being busy with life and let the time do it's work.

[JayG]

First, using bold for the font does nothing but annoy the reader, who expects plain typing. So dump it. It's the words, not the font that counts

• If you can't be the poet, be the poem

You missed something critical: To be a poet, or even be the poem (whatever that means), you have to know HOW to write poetry. There’s a LOT to writing it that isn’t obvious. The most important being the goal. As E. L. Doctorow so wisely said: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

No way can you accomplish that by handing the reader a letter from someone unknown, talking to someone not introduced, about things meaningful only to the characters.

Look at this piece as a reader, who lacks context, must:

• don't touch me

You just told the reader not to touch you. Sure, in your mind, that’s not what you meant. But it is what you just said. And since there can be no second first-impression...

• iam trying to forget you

Did you not edit this? The first two words have a space missing and you never noticed?

But that aside, who in the pluperfect hells are you talking about? You know. The one being talked to knows. Shouldn’t the reader? The idea is to stir the reader’s emotions, not inform them of yours. We want to invite them in and make them care. We don’t tell the reader, “I cried at my father’s funeral,” We make the READER weep.

One way to test for that is to read/edit, not as yourself, but as a reader, knowing only what that reader knows.

Another helpful step is to visit the Shmoop site. Tap, Student, then, Poetry. There are lots of great poems there that are analyzed as to how the author achieved the level of emotional content, and why it works.

You might also want to read the excerpt, on Amazon, for Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. What he has to say about the flow of language will surprise you.

So…why didn’t you see the points I mentioned? Because the only kind of writing techniques we learned in school are nonfiction. Think back, did a single teacher spend a second on prosody? That is the very basis of poetry, and is what was meant by the Hamlet talking about speech flowing "trippingly on the tongue…”

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Intothemilkyway]

I appreciate taking your time to make such a deep review of my poem.
But im going to tell you that you are so wrong in this whole critic thing since you just stopped at this one particular poem.

Why you're wrong?
First you haven't read my whole poetry and so you don't know my work, my writing style what i try to do and to perceive to the reader.

So be more careful next time.
This isn't my first time writing.
I know what to do and not to do.

[JayG]

• But im going to tell you that you are so wrong in this whole critic thing since you just stopped at this one particular poem.

You say I haven’t read your poems, but of course I looked at the others. People paid me to critique their work, and tell them why it's being rejected. A professional always does their research. And throughout your work there’s a single theme: They’re all you talking about you, in terms meaningful only to you:

I did this…I felt that…I want this…you didn’t treat ME well.

Each is filled with lines like:

“I feel fresh and relaxed.”
“I lay down on bed and start laughing like crazy”
“I miss you every hour”
“I see the clock And it's past the time”
“I come back to life…I revive…My brain just wakes up”
“I turn it on and i turn it off”

The theme that runs through each piece you post is: I, I, I, I, I.

In other words:
- - - - -
Perched before the mirror,
my eyes open to see
the greatest of my loves
there in front of me
- - - - -
Satisfying for you, I suppose, but lacks emotional content for anyone else. It does explain why everything is posted in bold font, though.

[Intothemilkyway]

Im very all im seeing here is that you and i can't be understood and all this critic thing leave it to the people who pay you.
I don't need it.
I have my own ways of doing things and instead of you messaging me and saying something and asking in private to know better for me and my poems, you just decided to leave a comment that wasn't asked for and to critic me directly.

Since you don't know things you have no right of saying anything.

[JayG]

Prove me wrong, then, in the only meaningful way. Sell something. The only poem I ever submitted (The Ballad of Elvish Tor) got me $200. Posted here it's gotten 32 comments, which is the least of any of the 6 poems I have posted. Yet you say I don't know anything?

Poetry aside, I've been offered and signed 7 literary contracts. And I'm neither a poet nor a talented writer. So for someone as perfect as you it should be easy.

But forget that. You left the comment window open, and failed to say, "Praise only, please."
The things I mentioned are what you learn in Poetry 101—things like the three issues we must address early if the reader is to have context.

Bottom line:

You're not with the reader when the piece is read, and because there is no second first-impression, you can't confuse, then clarify, later. Be certain the reader has context as-they-read-every-line.

In the words of a few people you might know:

“It is always hard for poets to believe that one says their poems are bad not because one is a fiend but because their poems are bad.”
~Randall Jarrell

“It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.”
~Ernest Hemingway

“Self-expression without craft is for toddlers.”
~Rosanne Cash

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

And finally, me: If you want better reviews post better poetry.