Disappointment

written September 5, 2011; 9pm

Tonight I caused my toil injustice,
Today I brought my conscience no peace,
So sad, so mad, too bad,
This burden I do not wish to add.

Tonight I made her heart heavy,
Tonight I made his soul weary,
Tomorrow, will I still be sorry?
Tomorrow, will it be another sad story?

Author's Note

comments are appreciated :)

Reviews

[KeelyJane]

This piece has a sullen under tone that projects a certain kind of desperation which I thought was fitting. Your switch from Tonight to Today in the first stanza was a little awkward. It would have worked better if you had continued with the same time references in the second stanza and perhaps reversed...

"Today I caused my toil injustice,
Tonight I brought my conscience no peace...
Today I made her heart heavy,
Tonight I made his soul weary, "

A nice little write over all though. Thank you for sharing. :O)

[Simphonia Hale]

thank you Keely for the constructive review, I'll do my best to work on it! :)

[Eddie Phillips]

I like the unspoken story here. You never expose the corporeal meaning of the poem but you give a good feel of emotions. Its what you are feeling and not what you are saying with this poem that gives it push.

[Simphonia Hale]

thank you very much Eddie! Best regards! :)

[Eddie Phillips]

No thank you. It is a good poem.

[gabrielle]

When we did cause disappointment to our family, we would feel guilty about it- this is what i get from this poem. Nice one. Keep writing

[Simphonia Hale]

thank you gabrielle :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Simphonia

My review.

Style: I love the pattern and switching words at the start of each line other than two: 'tonight' 'today' in the first stanza; and 'tonight' tonight' in the second ending with the sobering conclusion of 'tomorrow' tomorrow'

Moreover I admire the switch of words, though all dark, at the end of each line: 'toil injustice' 'my conscience (I will come back to that word in a moment) no peace' 'too bad' 'burden ... to add' 'heart heavy' 'soul weary' 'sorry' 'another sad story'

Admirable balance!

Conscience no piece?' You want to get it right? What right?

Content: Ah well that is where you have me. You offer no author's note and your meaning is unclear. But at times that is the best reaction a reader my have.

It says to me USE YOUR BRAIN JAMES and THINK! More than that IMAGINE!

If you are using the power of our imagination as the writer, we must use our own if not to find your meaning, just our own, our personal reflections / our experience of life and what it may mean to us.

How I read this, whether your intention or not, is the struggles of the writer, who is struggling to perfect a piece of writing and his / her constant complaints as to its inadequacy.

'Toil injustice'? You feel you might well have only made the piece worse.

'Too sad, too bad' Not well written and why do I always end up writing 'weepies'?

She ended up sounding as if she had a heavy heart and he a weary soul.

'Tomorrow will it still be another sad story'

Does everything I write have to be sad?

My take if not your purpose.

There are days when I write and I think, no James, stop writing sad stories and try a bit of humorous or if not that something just ... well different from the norm?

And if it's not that, how on earth can I edit this to make it better?

Perhaps you are talking of love, or it is a metaphor for something else. Maybe the answer to your meaning is staring me right in the face and I have missed it by a mile.

Does it matter that is not your purpose here?

No not really.

It is a shared experience between writer and reader and our views of life may differ.

Thinking is good.

Not thinking is bad.

And you have just made me think with an elegant piece of poetry.

And to conclude:

Your words: 'Tomorrow, will it be another sad story?'

My words: 'Nope. Tomorrow is another day!'

Thank you and bravo

With my kindest regards

James Hanna-Magill

[James Hanna-Magill]

PS Perhaps a good way of describing a writer and a reader is a painter and a viewer. Leonardo Da Vinci and the Mona Lisa. What the hell is her smile all about?

[Simphonia Hale]

oh my James, I don't know what to say....I mean your review has indeed taught me so much as well. :') WOW. In as much as I would want to tell you my inspiration for this poem, I want your interpretation to stay as is, and I know you'll like it that way as well. Thank you very much for the constructive review! Stay in touch! :)

simphonia ^.^

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Simphonia

Be sure I shall stay in touch.

Real friends do.

read moreDear Simphonia

Be sure I shall stay in touch.

Real friends do.

With my thanks

James

[Melissa Allen]

Simphonia, great write I enjoyed reading it. I loved the first two lines they instantly drew me in to this story.
All the best,
M

[Simphonia Hale]

thank you very much melissa :)

[Frieda P]

Lot of guilt and remorse in this read, disappointment weighs heavy on the heart, thanks for sharing this one.

[Simphonia Hale]

thanks Frieda! :)

[Baby Ricochet]

Reads like disappointment to me. Outstanding short piece.

[Monster ^.^]

The feeling of guilt helps us realize our faults, thus it isn't quite a bad thing... However, when felt more often than necessary, it becomes a barrier for improvement. I love the truthfulness of the piece. Very "human," I should say.