The Girl Who never Smiled.

This is the draft for my in class writing exam.

I couldn’t understand why, no matter how hard I tried to penetrate my pale white skin. It simply wouldn’t work. I sat there alone, desperate to relieve myself of the pain that ached in my chest, yet couldn’t understand why every time I brought the blade near my body, my sweated fingertips would slip and I’d lose my grip.

“Jay!” I heard the frantic cries of my fiancé, he sounded close, yet so far away. I started to panic, unsure of what he’d do if he found me.

“Babe where are you?” his voice grew louder, my sobs were muffled by my own hand. I didn’t want him to see me in that state; he had a heart of gold which is the very reason why I knew he would worry.

My fingers took hold of the blade once more this time I was certain, this time I wouldn’t chicken out. A cry escaped from my chapped lips, a cry filled with sadness, one filled with terror and pain. Somehow I had to hold my fears inside I bit into my lower lip to contain any further cries. I had to pry my eyes away from my bloodied wrists, the more I saw of them, the more it hurt.

Hurtful words flooded my confused mind, memories of those hateful words, those pack of lies which were spread across the nation. What did I do to deserve this pain? Surely it was my fault people aren’t vicious for no reason, maybe I was the heartless cow my sister always called me. Maybe I was a filthy slag the papers labelled me as. But if it were true, then how’d I still have Lou?

“Babe, are you in here?” Lou knocked on the door, I couldn’t bring myself to answer him, I wasn’t ready for his questions.

“Babe?” he repeated as he tried to pick the lock, I crawled desperately over towards the toilet, if he was going to come in here; I had to try and cover up the blood somehow. It would have been easier to rinse it off with the sink, but in case you hadn’t realised yet, I am a wuss, I couldn’t even stand the thought of the water’s sting against my freshly opened flesh.

Another bang on the door startled me, as I wiped away the blood drops that ran down my arms. It was a gamble that I was willing to take; I should have had enough time to get to the cupboard, to find myself a bandaid, I would have if Lou didn’t burst into the bathroom, with the doorknob in his hands.

“Jay?” he cried his face softening as he noticed what I had done. I took a few steps backward and landed on the closed toilet seat. He rushed to my side fear filled his usually bright blue eyes. I realised then that I hadn’t just hurt myself I had hurt the one person who could make me happy. The one person who’d made me smile.

“I love you.” He whispered, as he wrapped his strong arms around me, I whimpered into his shoulders as he carried me over to the bed in our room.

“Why’d you do this?” he asked after bandaging up my wounds. All I could do was shrug I had no words to say and everything I wanted to say wasn’t coming out, I watched as he finally noticed the magazine I had been reading when he’d seen me last. He went straight into the article I had dog eared before I dropped it on the floor. His face turned from sunshine straight into a fearful storm.

“How can someone say these things?” he almost yelled, I’d never seen him like that before it was quite amusing.

“It’s probably true.” I whispered softly as I laid there in the middle of the bed.

“No, its definately not true Jay, you know you’re the smartest, funniest and most breathtaking girl I have ever met?” he asked, I wasn’t sure if he was expecting an answer so I stared at him blankly.

“I wake up every morning and turn over to see your beautiful face beside me, I start praising God for the blessing me with such luck. When I am away from you all I have to do is look at the sun it reminds me how my life was just like a rainy day before we met. Sure I had everything the looks, the fame, the girls but none of it compares to having you now. That’s why next week you’re going to be my wife and the rest of the universe is going to have to suck it up because from now on nobody is going to get away with saying anything like this again.” He pointed at the article before throwing it away in the trash. My whole body shivered as he gently stroked my aching wrists, my heart even raced as his lips met mine. That very moment was what I called happiness, the very definition of love. The boy with the golden heart had accomplished the impossible. The girl, who never smiled, was now the girl who never stopped.

Author's Note

I wrote this yesterday in my exam we were allowed to keep our draft copy sooo I decided to show you to see how I went??

Tell me what you think xxx

Reviews

[Droll Prole]

realized is the american spelling so you can cross that one off ha ha. Sad story.

[Pencrafter]

Your story is coherent, full of emotion and has a nice continuity. The punctuation mistakes you'll catch when you proofread. What I would suggest, which you could add during your re-write, is to add a little more descriptions to the scene locations and your characters. You have a good imagination and the ability to lay in sensible dialogue.

[MoriartyMesa]

I liked this, some minor cosmetic edits and it is grand, but I still like the emotion and style of this.

[Taylor H.]

labelled - labeled

realised - realized

bandaid- Band-Aid

definately- definitely

I really liked this story. Very cute and I loved the ending :)

[mariah]

this made me smile :) the story was so sweet, and very real sounding. keep up the good work!
-mariah

[olla]

very nice.. well written..

[None]

With a little polishing, this can be a very enrapturing story. I like how you start it, but I don't understand what it was that she read that made her so upset. as the reader, need to know. Also, the fact that they are in magazines is kind of unbelievable. I like the guy character, and i admire his response. the ending and the title don't seem to match the story. After seeing their relationship, i find it hard to believe she never smiled...

just a few suggestions. hope they help.

[Lydia]

Really good! It's just that flippin' amazing! I also noticed that you used Louis from One Direction. The only critique I have is that you don't use punctuation properly in some places, but I do understand that it is only a draft.

[Stormy Weather]

This is honestly so beautiful. I like how you wrapped it up in the end, "The girl, who never smiled, was now the girl who never stopped." That's really a lovely line. It was a pleasure to read =]