Abortion

It was my knack for bad decisions
That has me sitting in this clinic
It is not a reflection of you, at all
Or the being that you could have been
The being I should let you become
But 
I’m still haunted by the feeling
Of greed, lust, love and self hatred
That took your brother from me
My own anger
Took my own child from me
And here I am with you
Feet swinging, chilling, singing
In this god awful clinic

I don’t want you to feel as if
You were never wanted
I want you, I do
But
I’m still f*****g haunted
And if I were to try again
With the stress, nausea,
In pain from the kicks again
And if those kicks were to stop again
Heartbeat lost inside me again
Legs spread while they clean me out again
Heart broken, feeling like a failure again
My heart would break through and through

I told your father about you
Via text because I’m too ashamed
You are our second mistake
And expecting him to love you
Or the brother months before you
Was a mistake
And I can never deal with that alone
He didn’t just reject him
He rejected me
He broke me, my self-esteem, 
My womb and I lost my child
And he lost his child too
But he never cared to call or drop a tear
So I bore enough pain for two

If I were to lose you as well
I would surely die
Cursed from God for my atheistic ways.
My Finals are soon
I can’t give the idea of you the time of day
But I feel you’d be a girl
What I never wanted but I think I deserve
I would love to hold your hand
Give you pig tails, teach you songs
And warn you against men like your
Absent father
And warn you against love and
The pleasures and pains of unprotected sex
Because I don’t know if a 
Two-minute, two-pump chump is worth my youth and childhood

I’m sitting in the clinic
Trying to play the God I don’t believe in
Trying to kill you to breathe life into me
Trying to right my many wrongs
Trying to save a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me
I’m sitting in the clinic
Feet swinging
Heart Breaking
Soul singing a somber tune of death
About to make the biggest decision
You, Myself or Him

I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me
So of course I chose him.

Author's Note

#writeordie