To My Unborn Child

To my unborn child

I apologize before hand

For my inabilities as

Your chosen mother

Guide and caretaker

I worry day and night

Every second, minute and hour

About you

Myself

And our future lives together

 

I am counting down the dreadful weeks

Until I am rubbing my

Tired, worried fingers

Across your smiling, joyful cheeks

 

Will you mirror myself

Before the wrinkles and nightmares

Before the hunger, cravings

Well before labor pains

Will you remind me of my youth

My years of innocence

Licking ice cream, singing

Youtful merriment.

Will you have my

Full lips

That I received from my

Stern, laughing, caring father

Your giving, nurturing grandfather

Will you have my

Oddly oriental eyes

Which mimic me and your nana and your aunt

Will you have my hair?

My laugh, nose?

Or will you be damned with

My wild heart

Strong emotions

And broken soul.

 

Will you suffer as I do?

 

Or maybe you will be blessed

By your father

Carry his eastern-european eyes

His long, angular bone structure

Structured perfectly

Sculptured by God

I pray to God

You are more his than mine

 

My child, I fear

I’m too weak

To carry you

Too forgetful

To remember your name

Favorite color

Best friend of the week

Too blind

To watch you

Too afraid

To check for monsters

In the darkness of your

Mysterious, lustful conception

Too pathetic

To raise you, my blessing

 

What if one night you lay awake

Tossing, turning

Teething, screaming

What if I can not hold you

My baby

Baby doll

My perfect baby doll

What if I can not

Console your painful gums?

What if I cano not answer your questions

Because I fumble

With my own problems

Because I’m here

Pregnant with you

Husbandless, houseless

Jobless and careless

 

I’m afraid I will scream

Beg you to stop crying

Beg you to sleep

Beg God to end the sound

Will I crawl away

To find some solace

As you scream your

Tiny little throat hoarse?

 

Can I deal with parenthood?

Can I deal with you?

Can I discipline myself?

 

I am so afraid

To hold you

In my tembling hands

Feed you from

Store bought formula

Mixed with pure water

Encased in a clean bottle

Pink or blue

Green, gender neutral

Simulation rubber n****e

Soft for your delicated gums

 

Naming you

Dressing you

Changing you

Undressing you

Raising you

 

I am so afraid

But when anxiety

Tempts me towards

Stairways, clinics

Hot wired hanger

I imagine your heartbeat

And I know

For better or worse

I am your pupil

And you, forever

My precious guide

Author's Note

#writeordie