How to Know You're a Chronic Insomniac

Chances are you already know the answer to this and happened upon my site looking for a quick fix.  Fear not, your time could be spent in worse ways, like lying in bed, completely awake, wondering if you should get up and take some melatonin.  Well, let me tell you from experience that if you do get up in the middle of the night and take some, you will likely have trouble getting up when you actually need to get up.  It is best that you make good use of your time. For tomorrow, you will feel miserable. Cheers!

Having insomnia has several stages.  The first stage is hopefulness. You go to bed exhausted, certain that you will sleep like a newborn babe.  Once in bed, you begin to toss and turn, going over the events of the day in your head. Obviously, you do not have that empty box men speak of, where you can compartmentalize all your thoughts into this part of your brain that does not allow for the processing of information while attempting to fall asleep.  Clearly, you are in the first stage of insomnia. There seems to be a chance that you will eventually fall asleep. You are hopeful that you will not remember much after this moment.

The second stage is restlessness.  You have been tossing and turning for some time now and no matter what position you have put yourself into, you can’t find one that is perfect for sleeping.  This stage can be the longest, and potentially the most dangerous. It can last for hours. Better to get up now and have a cup of Sleepytime tea. At least you can sit up for that, a position you haven’t tried yet. You probably should take a pain reliever too, while you’re at it, because your back is starting to kill you.  Maybe a hot pad would be nice, but you decide to toss and turn some more, just in case you missed one of the thousands of positions known to man.

The next stage is despair.  The hours have been ticking away and you fear being a zombie in the morning.  The clock is saying that it is at least 1 AM and you really hoped to get up early to attack all that stuff you put off today.  Now, if you do fall asleep, you will only get a few hours before your alarm goes off. You are lying in bed, uncomfortable, knowing you aren’t getting any younger, when beauty rest really means something to your well-being.  Last time you couldn’t sleep all night and got up the next morning, the mirror slapped you. “Snap out of it!” it spat. “Get some sleep, woman!” You nearly cried yourself to sleep that night, but then you remembered you were an insomniac and just laid there, depressed, eyes popping out of their sockets.  

Finally, you come to the last stage, acceptance.  This is the stage where you get up, and ruin any chance of ever falling asleep, but at least you feel somewhat productive.  If you’re like me, you aren’t ambitious enough to actually do any real work, so you decide to write. All the losers are sleeping, you think. You have beaten them to this day while they are lying in bed getting nothing accomplished. You are a winner! Hey, this insomniac stuff isn’t so bad. It allows you to commune with the peepers and owls. It sure is peaceful and dark out there you think. Some may waste their time by watching late night television, but if you’re like me, you wasted the chance for any decent late night watching by flipping in bed hundreds of times, coiling the sheets around you, only to get stuck and have to unwind.  Yeah, not much is on by the acceptance stage. If you are lucky, the acceptance stage may lead to a mild case of sleepiness, which may lead you back to bed. Good luck if you decide to venture there, my friends! If you don’t actually fall asleep, you will have to repeat all four stages again. So maybe your best bet is to just hang tough and get all you can done this morning. Insomnia can be your best friend.  Sleeping is for losers. Who needs it.

Disclaimer: No actual research has been done by me, other than my own casual observations.  If you are concerned you have a real problem and can’t fall asleep to save your life, perhaps you should see a doctor.  They will probably dismiss it, but hey, you tried.