Her Dark State

This poem caused me to rethink. I know we can never change our fate. But at least we can try or we'll die.

She’s that girl

Who doesn’t know why she cries

Are there numerous problems

Or is it her sick conscience

She used to be the happy one

With her friends, had all the fun

But then her state deteriorated

Something in her mind spun

All the sobs became her fate

Soon she was to enter hell’s gate

Pain conquered her soul             

Devils began to howl

With that death started to chase

Everything in front of her seemed haze

But she refused to be caught

And continually fought

Because hope was what she believed in

And knew that this way she might change her fate and win

Author's Note

Please vote and review. And share your thoughts about changing your fate. you can inbox me

Reviews

[Misphit]

Jess...what a tragic yet inspirational piece you have written here. So many of us suffer from personal demons brought on by a cruel fate. I can relate to this poem in so many ways and although it brings up memories of an innocent youth, it also sparks emotions of sorrow and regret.

As we get older the demons creep in like the wrinkles on our aging skin. Some days we wake up and think..how did I get this old and this jaded?

You are young and vibrant and have the gift of sharing your innermost feelings through the wisdom of an old soul. There aren't many people out there who have your courage, wisdom or talent for expression that relates to all ages.
"Devils began to howl
With that death started to chase" This is my favorite part because death is such a certainty and as we age the howling grows louder....but our bodies grow weaker and we can't outrun them.
Bravo my sweet girl..Bravo!

[Jess]

Yes indeed. i guess any poem or story that depicts the inner feelings becomes relatable.
thank you so much for reviewing :)

[J.A]

This poem is great. I love the switch in tone of this verse. It's negative through out, and then the last four lines is positive. I grew up writing free verse, and I never really understood line breaks, and creating a new stanza. But to me, that shift in tone from "But she refused to be caught" is so significant, putting that as a new stanza might even make your poem more effective. Just a thought.
I also don't think poetry should follow the same grammatical rules as prose, but I think it's important to put question marks for the lines, "Are there numerous problems
Or is it her sick conscience" to make sure the reader understands that these are the lingering questions in the speaker's mind.
But overall, I love the poem.

[Jess]

Yea i'll keep that in mind.
thank you btw :)

[David Marsden]

I like how this poem starts of with gloom then gets even more desperate and then finishes with hope. It seems all is lost, the burning fires of hell await, then she fights back and changes her destiny.
A very powerful piece, I like the theme of this one. Such a deep poem for a young girl.
Maybe we can change fate? The girl in the poem has, even though she doesn't know it yet.
With such deep thoughts you should keep writing.

[Jess]

Thank you :)

[Jess]

changing fate? that's a confusing question for me but on the other hand i believe in hope.

[David Marsden]

Yes it is confusing because fate is destiny and according to some sourcès, written in the stars. But what if a clairvoyant tells someone they will be killed in a road accident tomorrow, because they can see into the future and that is their destiny. Then that person decides not to venture out that day, they have changed their destiny. I think destiny is our guide and can be changed depending on how we act. I believe we have free will and control our own destiny. A person who thinks negatively will suffer for it and a positive person will gain rewards. Our destiny is in our hands.

[Jess]

yea...well said
i agree..
the whole idea of fate came after i read macbeth.

[Bear]

Optimism is often taken for hope, desperation is often taken for fear and determination is what you get when you combine them. I like it, it is just dark enough to intimidate then inspire with the powerful uplifting moral ending :~)

[Jess]

well said
Thank you. :)

[Inject Positivity]

I think you are a very deep thinker....The three poems i have read of you so far has been somehow connected with the natural world....Fate is uncontrollable and it causes some tragic things in our life so instead of regretting or worrying about our fate we need to have faith or belief in our heart like the girl you have mentioned to fight for our life....Hats off to you frnd....Full ratings....

[Jess]

thanks. i'm buzzing.

[annalysiar]

This is beautiful, deep with a great flow. Fate is like a river with a form and mass, choices and ways are ripples that temporarily pass the rivers beauty. Dark and unknown the river is, just like your fate, as you swim deeper into it, the pieces fall into place
this poem captures that beautifully. Great write

[Michaela J. Seabrooke]

Such a lovely and dark piece of literature. It truly shows a females dark state of mind.
Excellent work. I really don't have anything negative to say about this particular piece of poetry.
-Michaela J. Seabrooke

[Leon C]

Nice piece of work.

I liked the fact that there are more questions than answers in the piece and you allow the reader to fill in the spaces in the narrative.

[Cyndy Robinson]

Wonderful expression of our determination amidst our helplessness, and how blind hope keeps us fighting. Consider changing "Soon she was to enter hell's gate" to Soon she entered hell's gate", helps with the flow of the piece but doesn't really change anything.

[Jess]

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind :)