Lost

Im scared

So Scared

There is no where to run

Its out of control

I sit here in this room scared out my mind

I bite my nails till there is nothing left

The color red surrounds me

My lips are cracked and raw inside 

Im constantly bitting, constantly chewing, constantly pulling.

My stomach feels sick

I want to eat everything and Nothing

Not even water can satisfy my thirst.

This choking feeling that hides in my throat.

Im fighting my mind every second of everyday 

There is no moment to rest.

No time to pause

My bed room is in shambles

The deadlines are approaching 

I Freeze... because I dont know what to do

Or where to start

But if I stop then everything will collapse.

They say to take it one day at a time

Moment by moment

Just breathe and everything will be ok

Liars! Every single one of them

I cant stop laughing at the irony

Im tired of hearing these empty words

These broken promises... its all Bullshit!

This whole world is nothing but Bullshit!

Spreading lies with good cheer

My chest is tight

I don't know how Im breathing

it feels like there isn't enough air...

Im suffocating aren't I?

I'm dying aren't I?

Then how am I still moving?

Nothing is working

Don't Cry, Cant Cry

Can't let anyone know

Im struggling and yet no one can see

Im desperate to stop

for someone to see me...

I need help, but I don't know how

Grow up they tell me 

Move on they tell me 

No more then 5 minutes

The world still turns

around and around 

through rain or through shine

There is no time to greive

Never time to feel

I got to keep moving

Conceal don't feel

Even though all I want is to collapse and weep

Distraught and subdued

Curled in a ball shivering and aching..

It hurt...It hurts

Hidden away where no one can see me.. me and my broken soul

Trapped within these four walls

Anguished, Feeling nothing and everything

Frightened and Restless

For the fear of what may happen when I finally step out of these four walls 

Just walk out

I cant

Just leave

I cant

Quit

I can't

No matter where I go this pain is a part of me

Immovable and unchangeable

Following me everywhere I go

My own ball and Chain

No where... is safe.

Reviews

[JayG]

Your education is working against you, in that from the time you entered school, though you weren’t aware of it, the only writing skills we’re taught are nonfiction, to ready us for the kind of writing at employers require: reports, papers, and letters. So, our school-day assignments were mostly reports and essays. All nonfiction writing, with a goal of informing the reader clearly and dispassionately. And the coursework writing you do now is, nonfiction.

But poetry and fiction have a very different goal, one that’s emotion-based and character-centric, not fact-based and author-centric, as nonfiction is.

And that undergrad Creative Writing class you took? Pretty much worthless so far as fixing that, for reasons that are irrelevant to this discussion.

E. L. Doctorow hit it on the nose when he said, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But you’re talking TO the reader…giving a weather report, not wetting their cheek. And you're not doing it because of talent or how well you write, but because your talent has yet to be given the tools it needs.

The problem is that your own poetry will always work for you, because you have two things the reader lacks: context and intent. So, anything the reader needs that you’ve left out because it seems obvious will be filled in from memory as you read, and you'll see no problem. It's why we need to edit from the chair of the reader. In line with that, look at the opening lines as a reader who lacks all knowledge of you and how you intend the words to be taken:

Im scared
So Scared
There is no where to run (nowhere)
Its out of control
I sit here in this room scared out my mind
- - - - - -
First… Your computer has the apostrophe key broken? You think misspelling enhances the message? Naaa. Dig up Lynn Truss’ book, Eats, Shoots and Leaves. It’s a fun book on the history of punctuation. My point: Forget gimmick idiosyncrasies, and focus on getting your message to the reader intact. In this case, and to the reader, it looks like you screwed up your editing on line 1. Sure, you had intent for how the reader should have taken that, but it’s a misspelling to them, because they can’t read your mind or know your intent.

Next: To the reader, we have someone they know nothing about, in an unknown place, upset for unknown reasons. And that complaint continues, with you repeating the same, "I am...utterly alone," complaint over and over, and never clarifying why or how. So, you give the reader no reason to care, or even know what has this person upset. Though my guess is: finals were approaching when it was written.

So…first comes adding poetic technique to your writing toolbox. Some suggestions as to acquiring it.

1. Hit the site linked to below and download Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. It’s really good, and you’ll learn that there are more vowels than you thought. Hit the Shmoop Site. Log in as Student. Then use the midpage button to select Poetry. They have lots of poetry, deeply analyzed.

https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

2. Read the excerpt for Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. What he has to say about the flow of language will surprise you.

3. Hit the Shmoop site. Log in as Student, then hit the midpage button to select Poetry. Lots and lots of poetry there, analyzed in-depth, to show how and why they worked so well. One I think you'll like is, The Cremation of Sam McGee. It's over 100 years old, but still a fun read, and shows how rhyming, and structure can add to a poem, and, the effect of prosody.

I know this wasn’t what you were hoping for, but since it’s the kind of thing most people miss, you have a LOT of company, so I thought you might want to know.

A personal comment: Things seem dark when we lack the solution to our problems and the future is unknown. But one thing I’ve learned: Next year, we look back at our concerns of today and say, “How can I have worried over that? My problems, now, are so much worse.” But in reality, it’s that the problems we face are always worse than the ones we’ve resolved. So take it day-by-day. Someday, you may look back on today as part your carefree, good old days.

Hang in there. And, keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/