Letter 1 to my Dad

This is the first letter I have written to my dad since his passing.

Letters to My Dad

 

Dad,

            It has been four years and five months since you passed on from this life to the next and each day you are never far from my mind. I remember how strong you were, how you laughed rarely but when you did it was full and robust; one of those big belly laughs. (I still preferred you with a beard. I could never quite get used to you not having one.) I have gone through so many emotions since you passed on, because I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that you are gone. You were truly the strongest man I have ever known, and to see you shriveled and withered the way you were before they put you in the ground has haunted me since.

            I know you would not want me to do this but I do it anyway. I wonder if maybe I had taken care of you myself if this would have happened; if I had been around more instead of being a self-absorbed teenager would you have gotten as sick? Would you still be here today? Would you be strong and healthy? Would you have fallen into that depression? I always, always ask myself these types of questions whenever I think on you in your later days because I truly do not know. I wish I did know; maybe then I would have peace concerning your passing.

            I listened to a song today that reminded me of you so much. It was called “Daddy’s Little Girl,” and it was by an artist called Frankie J. Not my normal genre of music, but I listened to it. I remember begging God to save you, to heal you, to make you healthy, because I would have done anything for that. I didn’t want you to die. I remember thinking that if you would just live, I’d be a better daughter, I’d do more for you, I’d excel in school, I’d do a lot more than what I had been doing. But you didn’t get better in the way I hoped you would. I remember I finally prayed that if the only way you could get healing was to go on home to be with Him, then for Him to please save you in that way; and He did.

            Back to the song; in the song, the little girl is begging her father to stay, first, when he leaves her mother because the little girl needs him. Later, the little girl begs her father to not die because she needs him so much. That’s exactly how I feel. I need you so much, even though I am a grown woman now. I still need to hear your voice, to talk to you because it feels like my life is crumbling. After you passed on, Stephan followed about a year later. My foundation is gone or weakened, my prayers are falling on deaf ears it feels like, and I feel like I am lost and alone. Daddy, I need you so much.

            You told me once that it took great strength for me to give up what I gave up. You told me that it was a challenge of faith to do that; but I don’t think either of us realized how much it took out of me. I’m so tired of giving people up that I care about so deeply. I know it’s a part of life, but I feel that I have lost so much. Maybe I am being selfish but I just wish I could hang on to one person. I feel alone and so lost.

            I have prayed and read the Word, but I am spirit weary. My heart is broken. I feel like I have fought a never ending battle and have nothing to show for it at all. I love you and miss you so much, Dad. I hope that you are proud of me, proud of the choices I am trying to make and the life I am trying to make for myself. I hope that I do you proud and that you know how much of a blessing you were; your patience, your guidance, your teachings, your love. I was so blessed that God chose you to be my earthly Father.

            I love you, Dad.

Jordan

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

UH.. it's a letter. Personal. I can't really crit this.

[Serenity Faith]

I'm so sorry for your loss Darlin' This letter touched my heart, as I know what it's like to lose people close to me. Hold tight to your faith though. I'm sure you are most definitely making your Daddy proud. Sometimes, it helps us to alleviate some of our pain by writing it out.