Wondering While Drowning

A cry for help to someone who has no idea.

Wondering

By: Julia Weimerskirch

 

            I feel like as I’m writing this, my thoughts aren’t together. Then again, they never are when I think about him. I know I’m falling in love with him, If I haven’t fallen in love with him already. The thing that scares me the most about falling in love is that it’s something that I never catch until it is too late. It feels like treading water.  You’re okay, keeping your head above the water far enough that its comfortable and you can breathe. Slowly, you begin to sink. The water touches your chin, then cheeks, and nose. Until, in an instant, you open your eyes and you realize your drowning and your lungs are filling with water as you struggle to breathe. That’s how I feel when I am with him. I feel like I am drowning and I know I am okay with it. I am drowning and the life raft is in reach. All I have to do is tell him that I can’t do this anymore and he would tell me it’s okay. He would kiss me and tell me that everything was fun but that he understands and just like that, I would be out of the water and safe. But why can’t I do that? The terms of our relationship are very cut and dry: we are together until graduation and then that’s it. He’s going to move on to bigger and better things and I will be here putting together the pieces of my shattered heart. Why can’t I just end things?

            I used to be so strong. I used to be able to kick people out of my life and move on like nothing had ever happened. Why is he different? Why do I find myself searching for reasons to see him, messages to send him and things to do with him? I am being self-destructive with the most painful consequence and I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to stop myself.

            Graduation as an end date. Four weeks until I have to say goodbye and begin to glue myself back together. It seems like we have so much time together, like every second we spend together isn’t another sand grain tumbling down toward the end date that is his graduation. The black hole consuming our time is growing more and more every day, yet I  feel like I am lost in an infinity. This feeling worsens when I wake up next to him on those special Saturday mornings. Reaching out and feeling him next to me gives me a feeling I know I will never be able to replace. His soft kisses on my forehead and cheek  when he thinks I am asleep, have quickly become something that I cherish every night we spend together. Feeling his arm wrap around my waist and him pull me into his embrace is a comfort I hadn’t known before.

It all makes me wonder. Sometimes I wonder if he will remember me when this is all over. I wonder if, when I leave, he will wonder what it would have been like to stay with me. Every moment that I spend with him, I wonder what he’s thinking and if he’s doing the same thing I am. I wonder if the time we have spent together is changing his mind about being with me. I wonder if he’s falling in love with me because I know I am falling in love with him. But most importantly, if we don’t stay together, I wonder if he’s going to miss me. I am in love with a man and I have no idea what he thinks about me.

Reviews

[HB Rita]

Your writing made me feel sad!
Why it is always bother us when we truly love someone?
If you love him, talk to him. Let him know how you feel about him! He might be thinking the same, you just don’t know! Love—- is something you never ask for. It just come like a wind and blow us along with it.
I hope your restless heart finds the way to rest in peace with love or with him forever.