First International Trust Federal Reserve Bank

It's five minutes, as per usual for me.

Characters
Head Banker
Applicant (Jim, but that doesn't matter.)

Time
The appointment

Place
The Head Banker's office

Setting
Banker is shuffling papers busily at his desk. Applicant enters.

BANKER
Good afternoon, Applicant. Welcome to First International Trust Federal Reserve Bank, formerly Fred's bank, I am Head Banker here.

APPLICANT
Good afternoon, sir. It's an honor to meet you.
(They shake hands)

BANKER
I hear you are seeking a position at-
(He ruffles through his papers)
here.

APPLICANT
That's correct, and I'll just say right now that I would love to be part of the team.

BANKER
So you would describe yourself as a "team player"?

APPLICANT
Yes, very much so.

BANKER
(Makes disapproving "tsk tsk" sounds and makes a mark on a piece of paper.)

APPLICANT
Uhm, and by team player I mean I work best alone.
(An awkward silence forces him to elaborate)
Quite alone. In the dark. In a basement, if you've got one.

BANKER
(Nods approvingly)
Now, what would you say are some of your...uhm...your...er....

APPLICANT
Qualifications?

BANKER
That will do.

APPLICANT
Well, I can type 180 words a minute-

BANKER
What if we haven't got that many?

APPLICANT
PArdon?

BANKER
What if we haven't got that many words? Let us say a report I must make has 172 words. Could you do that?

APPLICANT
Of course. It would take me less than a minute.

BANKER
And you say I don't even need to provide you the figures? Extraordinary! Jolly good.

APPLICANT
Well, actually sir, that might be a prob-

BANKER
Other qualifications?

APPLICANT
Let's see, I graduated with a Master's degree-

BANKER
Over qualified.

APPLICANT (covering)
From the Clown College-

BANKER
Under qualified.

APPLICANT
Of Harvard?

BANKER
That's about right.

APPLICANT
And, well, I have extensive experience handling money-

BANKER
Please! An interview is not the time to air your personal affairs!

APPLICANT
Sir?

BANKER
I have no interest in you money fondling history. This is a bank, not a...money...touching...place.

APPLICANT
You misunderstand me, I'm afraid.

BANKER
Have you sought help for this problem of yours, then?

APPLICANT
Uh, yes. I see an accountant every Thursday for it.

BANKER
Very good. Now, have you got any...er...uh....

APPLICANT
References, sir?

BANKER
Yes! Those!

APPLICANT
I have several letters of recommendation from former employers. They all speak quite highly of me.
(he hands the BANKER three or four letters.)

BANKER (Skimming the letters)
Hmm...Disappointing.

APPLICANT
What?

BANKER
Well, letters don't make the best references. I was hoping for something a little more traditional like an Encyclopedia Britannica.

APPLICANT
But I thought-

BANKER
What if I need a report on zeppelins? What good are these? (He brandishes the letters)

APPLICANT
Well...Not much.

BANKER (sighs)
You have the job, Applicant, even though you're barely qualified, apparently a pervert, and have no respectable references. The truth is, we need you rather badly at the moment.

APPLICANT
Wonderful! But why is there such demand?

BANKER
Since I have assumed command of this bank we have gone from being "Fred's bank" to "First International Trust Federal Reserve Bank", which is really terrifically impressive sounding. Indeed, I have put in effect several really terrifically impressive sounding measures. But they seem to have proved to be too much for some, as 14 of our associates have turned in their resignations since. And most of the incoming hopefuls fled the interview.

APPLICATION
Yes, I can't imagine why they would do that.

BANKER
Yes, well, it doesn't matter, you're hired now. We'll get you set up right away with your own office, far from light and people. I'll personally see about obtaining you a unicycle and perhaps a comically small car, to make you feel more at home.

APPLICANT (Hesitantly)
Thanks very much, sir.

BANKER
Welcome to First International Trust Federal Reserve Bank. (He holds out his hand to shake. APPLICANT takes it uncertainly.) Follow me, I'll show you to your basement.
(They exit)