Eye Cros't Lovers

Sort of a backwards dyslexic retelling of Romeo and Juliet. Five minutes as per usual.

Eye Crossed Lovers

Characters
Trevor
Sally
Mother
Father

Time
Afternoon

Place
Trevor's family home, living room.

Setting
FATHER is sitting in a chair SL reading the paper. TREVOR and SALLY enter SR, holding hands.

TREVOR
Dad? Dad, Sally and I have something we want to tell you...

DAD
Yes, my good for nothing traitorous son?

SALLY (Leans closer to support TREVOR)
Go on, Trevor, you can do it.

FATHER
Who told that hellspawn trollop that she could speak? Spit it out, Trevor, you vomitous worm.

TREVOR
Dad-

FATHER
You've said that already!

MOTHER enters
What is that filth doing in our home!

TREVOR
Mother! I was just about to tell Father-

MOTHER
I won't have that hussy trailing her family's dirt all over my clean carpets. Get back to your own house, you s**t!

TREVOR
I have to tell you-

MOTHER
You who I am ashamed to have given birth to, for the shame you have brought our family, you have something to say?

SALLY
Go on, Trevor..

TREVOR
Mom, Dad...Sally and I don't want to be married.

FATHER and MOTHER sit in stunned silence.

FATHER
What?

TREVOR
Sally and I have decided that it would be better for the happiness of our families and our own welfare if we weren't married.

MOTHER
Trevor, I'm surprised at you!

FATHER
In my day we would have never stood for this, and damned if I'll stand for it now!

TREVOR
But...Did you hear me? I said we're not going to be married!

FATHER
I'm not deaf, you loathsome innertube, I merely find this display of respect for your elders' wishes appalling.

SALLY
Trevor and I have decided that we don't like each other, and we're not going to be married after all.

MOTHER
But... I thought things were going so well!


FATHER
You two seemed happy enough to me.

TREVOR
Well, there was a lot of pressure on us from our families. You all hate each other's guts, you know.

FATHER
Darn straight I hate those good for nothing Landlakes! We've got a feud going back centuries! And that tramp- (pointing at SALLY)

TREVOR
Is not going to be my wife. So you can relax now.

MOTHER
Oh, but dear, you snuck out of the house nearly every night to be with her!

TREVOR
Yes.

MOTHER
And we threatened you so much! Constantly forbidding you to ever see each other again-

TREVOR
Yes, yes, it worked like a charm, put me off entirely.

SALLY
Yeah, my family locked me in a tower for a couple weeks. Trevor twisted his ankle and nearly pulled out all my hair trying to climb it. It was quite the romantic thought, but if these things continue I don't see how we ever could.

MOTHER
You know, Trevor, when your dad asked for my hand, my father stabbed him seventeen times. Every time I would have him over to dinner my mother would poison his food, all we do is call you names, and you're giving up?

FATHER
I had to stand vigil outside your mother's window every single night, to protect her from my younger brother and his mania for molotov cocktails. Maybe that's the problem, Mother, perhaps we were too soft on them...

SALLY
I was locked in a tower!

MOTHER and FATHER
Shut up!

MOTHER
Oh, if only I'd had the heart to drown their dog...

SALLY
You did drown my dog! I saw you throw Scooter into the lake when Trevor and I went for a picnic.

MOTHER
Yes, dear, but I'd meant to leave him in your bathtub.

SALLY
Oh my!

FATHER
I can't believe you ungrateful malformed goslings, what have you got to contend with, really? Two warring houses? In my day, we had seven houses warring all the time. Grandmothers and cousins were fighting in the streets, one could hardly sleep for the gunfire, but your mother and I saw it all through and now we've been married 25 years perfectly happy and with only two casualties.

MOTHER
Three, Father. Trevor is dead to me if his heart is so fickle as all that. After only a few months of harrassment he's willing to abandon his true love-

TREVOR
I don't think she's really my true love. I just thought she was hot, really.

SALLY
I think true love is a bit extreme, I mean Trevor has a nice car but-

MOTHER
Willing to abandon his true love! For what!

FATHER
Turn your eyes away, Mother, I'm going to give your ex-son the thrashing he should have gotten when he was three...

TREVOR
HOLD ON! I thought this was what you two wanted!

MOTHER
Of course it's not what we wanted. Just because we want nothing to do with those filthy disgusting Trelliswaters and pray for their horrible painful deaths every night on bended knee to our Lord above... (She crosses herself reverently with upcast eyes.) Doesn't mean we don't want the happiness of our only son.


FATHER (Casually trying to set Sally's dress on fire)
You mustn't take what we say so seriously, we would never actually do anything to hurt you or your bride-

SALLY screams

TREVOR
Dad, you're trying to set Sally's dress on fire at this moment!

FATHER
Oh, am I? Goodness me, I'm sorry, old habits I suppose.

MOTHER
Trevor, we're simply trying to tell you that being so fickle as to let a few firebombs and death threats come between you and the object of your desire will only get you pain, lonliness, and storyless scars.

FATHER (Lifting the leg of his pants to display a scar on his knee)
I got this one when your Mother's Mother released a pack of wild boars into our prom.

MOTHER (pointing to her shoulder)
And I've got a few here from when your Aunt Marjory threw a feral cat at me in the shower.

(MOTHER and FATHER embrace lovingly,
remembering their past together. As they
stand there, TREVOR and SALLY look at
each other and shrug.)

TREVOR
I suppose we could give this another shot.

SALLY
Yeah, what if this were true love and we were giving up on it?

TREVOR
I'm with you, Sally my love. (They hug)

FATHER
What's this? Our son is a traitor after all! You! Neither of you is worth the juice squeezed out of a tractor!

MOTHER
Oh what a cruel and heartless son to disregard my wishes this way! He hasn't got a single decent human feeling in him! I hope you die in a car crash!

TREVOR and SALLY
What? We thought-

FATHER
Turn away mother, I'll take care of them. (He pulls out a gun)

SALLY (Screams and runs offstage.)

TREVOR
You two are crazy! (He runs after Sally)

MOTHER
Ah, to be young and courting again.

FATHER
Ah, to be young and warring again.

MOTHER
I'll go and call Mrs. Trelliswater.

(She dials on the phone. The
conversation is filled with
pauses where Mrs. Landlake
speaks.)
Hello, Helen? (pause) Yes, it's Angela. (pause) Same to you, dear, and more of it. How is your husband? (pause) He's well? That's unfortunate. Listen, your daughter was just here. (pause) No, she didn't catch anything. Nothing she didn't already get from you. She and Trevor were planning to break their engagement. (pause) Exactly what we said! (pause) Yes, well, we cleared it up, it's all set now. (Pause) Exactly what we said! (pause) Well, I have to go, Helen, I was just making up my Christmas cards and your letterbombs are so difficult to manage. (pause) Really? Elmers will do it? Well, thank you very much. Oh, and I found the land mine in my garden, but nice try. Goodbye. (She hangs up) I think Trevor and Sally will be alright, eh?

FATHER
Not if I've got anything to say about it.

(They laugh)

LIGHTS DOWN