Unable to find myself within You

Irreconcilable differences that made me accustom the familiar ache of pain without you.

 

How could I be reasonable with my heart when I know what the relationship for me meant? To me our love was everything and it was definitely not pleasant to realize that all my efforts and time to garnish our bond wasn’t even perceived by your heart when you merely stamped what we had.

I raised my head and managed to look at her. Did I despise her? No. Why did she betray her own heart? And she expects a word of comfort from me.

“It was a mistake,” she whispered sobbing quietly and her eyes quivered not to meet mine. Mistake? How cruel and false the word was, mistake was mine trying to gather each piece of block of our relationship and build a castle. She attempted to reach out to clasp my hand to understand her, but I only damned her. I was trying to understand myself why it happened when I loved her with all my will and sanity. She loved me, what right did she have to fancy him when I was there with her every single episode of her life. I thought if I could blame the distance then maybe the hurt inflicted by her betrayal would redeem.

“I am sorry,” she voiced again and dared to look into my eyes. Why was she crying as if I tore her heart into two deciding to walk away? Didn’t she realize she had broken my heart when she confessed a part of her heart was seduced by his warmth and love?

“I can’t hear that from you over and over again,” I struggled for words releasing a sharp breath. I could give her chance to a perfect idea of us. But was there perfection to an idea of us? How am I going trust her again? It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to be inclined to someone else so much that you would like to keep them in your life. Didn’t she understand how crushed I had been with every step when at some crazy times she believed he loved her more than I did? Didn’t she see how painful it is to be reminded that I was less reliable than him in her tragedies?

“We can work it out,” she said with firm belief in her voice. We were two loose ends that couldn’t fit together anymore even if I long for it to. The shape of our affection and love has changed. We had ruined each other and most importantly destroyed my idea of a happy relationship. Of course I love her and I am tempted and desperate to plunge into every depth to work it out but the truth is I cannot trust her anymore. The truth is we cannot make each other feel like we used to. That’s why I have to leave.

“Don’t you see, I couldn’t balance your hopes which made you to seek warmth in his,” my heart ached as I phrased the words.

“What the hell does that mean?” She exclaimed her voice laced with desperation as she realized she was losing him. It was difficult to end a long-term relationship for which you have exhausted your heart to and we would never wish to leave behind the familiar. But I knew it will eat away our hearts more than it already has. And I know I have been suffering from this infliction of emotional cancer since the day she had confessed about her feelings for another and vowed to make everything right with us again. My heart had been buried deep into the dysfunction trying to find a way to give everything a chance. But how could I stay when I am unable to find the image of me like it was seized in her eyes when I look at her. I stared at her eyes again and shook my head as her words lingered in my heart.

“I tried to give you a hand, but I cannot find myself to smile at the idea of us when I look at you with no trust. So I am putting us both out of misery…” I loathed the distance that stirred her to lure into his warmth, I loathed him for making her fall for him somehow knowing how committed she was to me, I loathed myself for dragging this too long and give her a chance again when she couldn’t part her way from his. She had ripped my heart out and then tried to heal it with her care and love again struggling to build what we had. It managed to work somehow but I could never feel the same. I pushed my hands into the pockets of my jeans clenching it and stood up. I glanced at her before walking away silently from the bench we sat. I was in love with the idea of keeping her at my side; I was in love with not being on my own, but was I in love with her the same way? Our hearts were broken for the things we wanted from each other.

“Don’t do this to us. We still love each other don’t we?” She asked trying to stop me from walking away.  So many events and moments of our togetherness suddenly felt insignificant because I failed to remember one last heart-felt moment of happiness of being with her.

“Do we?” I asked with an ambiguity made clear in my voice. I looked at her for the last time for a lengthy pause and walked away longing for stability in this fiery gamble of my heart. How could I stay when I could never look at her the same way again? 

Author's Note

Thank you for the reviews.

Reviews

[Leslie Philibert]

I normally only look at poetry, but a scan here shows me a fine story, good paragraphing..fine job !

[prachi prangya agasti]

Thanks so much...:-)

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad story old with a sad ending.
“Don’t do this to us. We still love each other don’t we?” She asked trying to stop me from walking away. So many events and moments of our togetherness suddenly felt insignificant because I failed to remember one last heart-felt moment of happiness of being with her."
No goodbye is good or kind. Good to hold on to the good memories. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[prachi prangya agasti]

Thank you so much..... :-)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.