SchwinningA Screenplay by Kyle Lawrence I wrote a spec script for the TV show "New Girl" EXT. COLD OPEN, SIDEWALK - MORNING On a sunny day, JESS and WINSTON stand in utter disbelief. Because SCHMIDT is in front of them, straddling a brand new Schwinn bike. Dressed in the full bike gear. JESS Schmidt, what were you thinking? These bikes cost like twelve hundred dollars. SCHMIDT It’s called being green, Jess. I don’t expect you barbaric animals to understand. WINSTON Did you really have to get the outfit to go with it? You look ridiculous. SCHMIDT It’s okay to be intimidated, Winston. I have the abs of a Greek god. JESS (referring to the douchebag jar.) Jar. SCHMIDT Plus, the amount I’ll save on gas. The bike literally pays for itself. And look how ripped my calfs are already, I could punt a football a hundred yards. JESS So, what, are you going to start using steroids like Lance Armstrong? SCHMIDT Hey! He was falsely accused. WINSTON What are you talking about? He admitted to the whole thing. SCHMIDT Grow up, Winston. Simple case of ambush journalism. Oprah attacked him like a antelope in the Serengeti. JESS I’m going inside before people see us together. WINSTON Good call. Jess and Winston head back into the building. SCHMIDT (shouting) Whatever, I don’t want to be seen with you doughy bohemians anyway. In the game of life you’re losing, and I’m winning. Schwinning. Schwinning on my Schwinn. OPENING CREDITS ACT I INT. LOFT - MOMENTS LATER Jess, Winston, and Schmidt, still dressed in bike gear. Are standing outside of NICK’s bedroom. Nick is blasting ROBYN - DANCING ON MY OWN behind his closed door. JESS I’m worried about him. He’s been playing his depressed song for the past hour. SCHMIDT I’m not surprised. He never flosses. JESS You guys have to do something. WINSTON No. JESS Why not? WINSTON Because I am happy in a new relationship, and that -- (Points to door) --is contagious. JESS Well I can’t, I’m not a duuuude. SCHMIDT I’ll do it. I watched this... movie. Where the guy was depressed and the guys friend helped him find the love of his life. JESS What kind of movie was it? WINSTON Yeah Schmidt, what kind of movie was it? SCHMIDT I can’t remember. (Beat) Fine! It was a romantic comedy. It was majestic, I cried my eyes out. Winston grabs his chest. SCHMIDT (CONT’D) What are you doing? WINSTON Feeling your boobies. Schmidt smacks his hand away. SCHMIDT I’m going to romantic comedy the crap out of that depressed little man. Jess knocks on the door. After a second, the music turns off. NICK opens the door looking like a homeless person. JESS Heeeey buddy. NICK Was the music too loud? JESS No. We’re just checking on you. NICK I’m fine. WINSTON Nick, you look like a hobo. NICK What are you talking about? GQ rated this look in its top five of the year. SCHMIDT Don’t be ridiculous Nick. Its top twenty at best. Someone knocks at the front door. WINSTON I’ll get it. Winston walks away to get the door. Nick notices what Schmidt is wearing NICK (gesturing to Schmidt’s outfit) What is this? SCHMIDT It’s called cycling apparel. I’m staying fit and getting ripped. I’m Schwinning. NICK slams the door. JESS We’re going to need a bigger jar. INT. LOFT - CONTINUOUS Winston opens the front door to find his new girlfriend DAISY holding an overnight bag. WINSTON Going somewhere? Daisy comes in and throws her bag on the couch. DAISY We’re going somewhere. WINSTON What? DAISY Yeah, there’s a cute little retreat about an hour north. They had a one night special, so I booked us. WINSTON Umm, don’t you think it’s a bit early in our relationship to go away together? DAISY Chill, Winston. I thought it would be nice to have sex and not have to worry if your roommates are listening. WINSTON So, just strangers? DAISY Yeah. And you’re paying half the bill. WINSTON Okay, I’m in. Let me get my bag ready. DAISY Hurry up, this edible underwear is getting sticky. Winston’s jaw drops. WINSTON Really? DAISY No. I’m not wearing any underwear. WINSTON runs to his bedroom. INT. NICK’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Nick is doing push-ups, while Jess and Schmidt sit at the foot of his bed. JESS Nick I know something’s wrong. NICK Nothing is wrong, Jess. JESS We’ve known each other now for nearly two years, and I have never seen you do push-ups before. SCHMIDT You don’t even have the right form. Schmidt pushes down on Nick’s back and he falls down. He stands up, slaps Schmidt, and they wrestle on the bed. Jess stands up, out the way. JESS ENOUGH!! The guys stop wrestling. Sit up and look at Jess. JESS (CONT’D) That’s it! No more Mr. Nice Guy, Girl? Whatever, Nick you are going to go with Schmidt and get happy. Why don’t you go find a woman to make love to. JESS pretends makes love to thin air. NICK What are you doing? SCHMIDT That’s not how you do it, Jess. NICK She’s clearly never made love to a woman before. SCHMIDT Look Jess it’s like this. Schmidt gets up and starts to show Jess. JESS Eww, Schmidt! (She pushes Schmidt back onto the bed.) Nick Miller, you’re going to do this or I’m going to start (singing) Singing everything I say. NICK Jess, I’m not a child, that isn’t going to work. JESS (singing) Oh really? Not even when I hit the high note? NICK You actually have quite a lovely voice. JESS Aww, really? No, fine. Schmidt give me a beat. SCHMIDT proceeds to beatbox. JESS (CONT’D) (rapping) My name is Jess Day I have something to say / Nick Miller you will go play / Or me and Schmidt / could do this all day. NICK Fine! JESS Yes! SCHMIDT Romantic comedy time! Schmidt fist pumps to the sky and freezes. JESS What is he doing? Nick slaps him and they wrestle to the ground. INT. RETREAT LOBBY - AFTERNOON Winston and Daisy enter, carrying their bags, and head for the front desk. Winston starts to do lunges. DAISY What are you doing? WINSTON Stretching. I don’t want to waste anytime when we’re in the room. DAISY Starting to see why you were single for so long. WINSTON Low blow. DAISY It’s okay. Your dorkiness turns me on. WINSTON Really? DAISY No it’s definitely being black. Had a thing for Mr. T growing up. WINSTON I’d be offended if you weren’t incredibly hot. DAISY Okay stud, you go check in. I forgot something in the car. EXT. PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER Daisy reaches into her car searching through her glove box, when across the parking lot she notices an older couple get out of a car. DAISY No no no no no no. She closes her car door, puts her hood up. Runs to the lobby. INT. RETREAT LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Winston waits right inside the sliding doors of the lobby, when Daisy runs in. WINSTON Why are you sprinting? Is this some sort of role play thing? Because I’m down. DAISY Yeah, but we gotta go now. Daisy runs off. WINSTON (to himself) This girl might just be the one. Winston chases after her. EXT. PARK - AFTERNOON Schmidt and Nick are jogging through the park on a sunny day. Schmidt still in his bike gear. Nick in a T-shirt and shorts. NICK Did you really have to wear that? SCHMIDT Don’t worry about me and my immaculate physique, Nick. Today is about you. NICK I told you, I’m fine. SCHMIDT Yeah whatever, Nicholas. Look at me, I’m happy and have a great body. I enjoy the looms of a bounty of beautiful women. Do you want to know why? They stop jogging and sit on a park bench. NICK You’re the biggest douchebag on the planet. SCHMIDT No Nick. It’s because I’m Schwinning. NICK What are you Charlie Sheen now? SCHMIDT (sarcastically) Ha ha very funny. (serious) Schwinning is a state of mind. Yes, I may have coined the phrase earlier. But it’s what I’ve been doing since I got out of college. You think I just imagined this body and life. NICK I’ve been your best friend since college. I know what you did. SCHMIDT No, I worked hard for it and never gave up. NICK Why are you telling me something I already know? SCHMIDT Because Nick, even though your best friend is the best role model you can have, you still seem to ignore my ways. NICK You are literally the most infuriatingly annoying person I’ve ever met. SCHMIDT Yet we are best friends. NICK Where are you going with this, Schmidt? SCHMIDT I care about you damn it! I hate to see you beating yourself up because you have no career prospects and a flabby physique. NICK That doesn’t have anything to do with it. SCHMIDT Ah ha, so there is something wrong. NICK Fine. You want to know what it is Schmidt. I’m going to die alone. Every relationship I’m in, I ruin. Self-sabotage is my greatest skill. SCHMIDT Hey! Listen to me! You may not have no shot at a successful career or a rock hard bod. But you are Nick Freaking Miller! You have scored with some smoking hotties. And with basically nothing to offer. Just look at the likes of Julia. A smoking hot lawyer and, ummmm... Angie. You bagged a stripper. Why?! Because you’re Nick Freaking Miller. NICK Yeah I can do this! SCHMIDT Now just think if you looked like me. Your bed would be filled with beautiful models. INT. RETREAT BEDROOM - AFTERNOON Winston and Daisy burst into the room. Daisy locks the door as Winston undresses down to his boxers and sits on the bed. WINSTON You’re really taking this role playing to the next level. So naughty. Daisy goes to the door and leers through the peephole. WINSTON (CONT’D) So, what are we, hiding out from Russian hit men who want to kill us? DAISY Ummm, yeah. Daisy runs over to the windows, peeks through the curtains. WINSTON Daisy, what’s going on? DAISY Okay. My parents are here. WINSTON What? Why are they here? You didn’t invite them as well? This is going really fast. First we go away together, now you want me to meet your parents. It’s overwhelming. DAISY Woah. First, calm down crazy. Second, if I invited them, why would I be running from them? Think about it genius. WINSTON Right. So what are we gonna do? DAISY Stay in the room, until it’s time to leave. WINSTON Well perfect, that’s what we wanted to do anyway. So, come join me in bed you sexy little spy. DAISY Yeah, it’s not happening, while my parents are in the same building. WINSTON Why not? Their probably doing it too. DAISY (sarcastically) Oh yeah, that’s going to turn me on. INT. LOFT - AFTERNOON CECE enters an empty loft. She turns the corner into the kitchen -- Jess in a dressing gown, eating cookie dough out of a big plastic bowl. CECE Hey what’s going on? I got your text. JESS Great, you’re here. Girls day can begin. CECE You said it was an emergency. I rushed out of work early. JESS It is an emergency. We never get to hang out anymore. Since you’ve gone crazy... (Caveman voice) Me look for a man to fertilize me. CECE I haven’t gone crazy, and don’t say fertilize. JESS Sorry. But we’re going to have the best day. I’ve got the cookie dough ready. Ice cream and wine in the fridge and I rented all you favorite Katherine Heigl movies. CECE (smiling) Okay, I’m in. JESS I even brought you a matching dressing gown. CECE You’re the best. JESS I know. Girls night rules! Both girls come together. Jumping and screaming like little girls. JESS (CONT’D) We can’t pull that off can we? CECE Not even a little. EXT. PARK - AFTERNOON Nick notices his ex-girlfriend CAROLINE jogging towards them with a young handsome man. NICK Caroline. SCHMIDT She was okay. A seven at best, but I’m talking about nines and tens. NICK No, look. Schmidt turns to see Caroline. Nick starts to panic. NICK (CONT’D) What do I do? How do I look? I look like a hobo! Schmidt holds Nick upright as Caroline notices them. CAROLINE Hey Nick, Schmidt. SCHMIDT Caroline, is it? NICK Hey. End of Act I. ACT II EXT. PARK - CONTINUOUS Nick, Schmidt, Caroline, and the handsome young man, SETH, are standing around on a park path. CAROLINE This is my, friend, Seth. SCHMIDT (aggressively) Boyfriend? NICK Schmidt! You don’t have to answer that. CAROLINE Well yes, actually. Seth shakes hands with Nick and is shunned by Schmidt. NICK So what are you guys up too? SETH You know, just staying fit. NICK (awkward body gestures) Yeah, us too. It’s all about staying fit. Getting your core good and solid. Glutes. Bicep. SCHMIDT Nick is actually getting in shape for the release of his new book. CAROLINE You are? NICK I am? SCHMIDT Oh Nicholas. Don’t be so modest. Tell them about ‘Z for Zombie’. NICK (confused) Umm yeah. (Beat) J.K. Rowling’s publicist read it and thought it was great. So they’re going to make me rich. Surprise! CAROLINE Oh my God, Nick. That’s amazing, I’m so happy for you. She hugs him and then awkwardly lets go. SCHMIDT Yeah, it is amazing. What about you Seth, any major book works in the going? SETH No. But I did just get hired as the new yoga instructor at Stretch Stretch Stretch. SCHMIDT Oh well, isn’t that mediocre at best. CAROLINE Okay. Well, it was great seeing you, Nick. Best of luck with the book. SETH Yeah congrats, bro. Caroline and Seth jog off. NICK What the hell was that? SCHMIDT I was just trying to talk you up. You took it too a whole other level getting J.K. Rowling involved. NICK I panicked. I don’t know any other authors. SCHMIDT What about Dr. Suess? NICK Ahhhhhhh!!! INT. RETREAT BEDROOM - NIGHT Winston lies on the bed bored, while Daisy paces the room. WINSTON I’m getting cabin fever. DAISY What and you wouldn’t of if we were having sex? WINSTON Well duh. DAISY Why not? WINSTON Because we would be having sex. Daisy rolls her eyes and continues to pace. WINSTON (CONT’D) (beat) I’m hungry. DAISY I think there are snacks in the mini fridge. WINSTON No. I need real food. DAISY Well what can we do? WINSTON (sarcastically) Um, I don’t know. How about go eat our complimentary dinner? DAISY But what if we run into my parents? WINSTON I got an idea. INT. RETREAT RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER Winston and Daisy skulk towards the MAITRE D' with their hoods up and blacked out sunglasses. DAISY (to Maître D') Wang for two. MAÎTRE D' I’m sorry but there are no hoods allowed in the restaurant. DAISY (whispering to Winston) Slip him some money. WINSTON No. Let’s just play the minority card, it’s cheaper. DAISY Just do it. WINSTON Fine. Winston pulls out a five dollar bill, slips it to Maitre D’. He looks at it, then back at Winston. DAISY A five, really? WINSTON What about if I let you have my leftovers? The Maitre d’ just stares at Winston. WINSTON (CONT’D) If I was white, this wouldn’t be a problem. Winston slips him a twenty dollar bill. MAÎTRE D’ Right this way. The Maitre D’ leads them to a table. INT. BAR - NIGHT Nick and Schmidt sit at the bar, in the same clothes. NICK Today was a disaster. This is why I didn’t want to do it. I feel even worse now. SCHMIDT Okay, admittedly, today didn’t go as well as I wanted it too. NICK Really, Schmidt? How did you see today turning out then? SCHMIDT Like in all romantic comedies. The main character, you, is lonely depressed, no hope for the future, out of shape. NICK Get to the point, Schmidt? SCHMIDT And his courageous, extremely attractive best friend drags him from the depth of his cess pit and back to redemption and eventually finds love. NICK That literally hasn’t happened in any romantic comedy, ever. SCHMIDT Oh, so what, you’re the expert on romantic comedies? You don’t have a romantic bone in your body. NICK Your mom begs to differ. SCHMIDT Don’t you dare talk about Shoshana Hadar Schmidt like that! NICK Brought it on yourself, Lance Armstrong. SCHMIDT Don’t you dare besmirch the name of the greatest cyclist to ever live! The man has one testicle. NICK Do you have the other one? SCHMIDT This is the respect I get after trying to help you. NICK I didn’t ask for your help! SCHMIDT Well, your gonna get it. Until the day I die sir. NICK Well, I would say thank you but I never asked for that. Nor, do I want it. SCHMIDT Well, too bad. Because that is the bond you thrust upon me when we became best friends. NICK (sarcastically) And don’t I regret that. SCHMIDT Joke all you want. But I take it very seriously, and I’m not giving up on you. NICK Well I am. INT. LOFT - NIGHT Jess and Cece are snuggled up on the couch wrapped in a blanket. They share a big bowl of cookie dough, watching a Katherine Heigl movie. CECE I don’t know why people trash Heigl, she’s amazing. JESS I know. I would totally want her to play me in a movie about my life. CECE Yes! I could totally see that. Who would play me? JESS I’m thinking Kerry Washington. CECE Oh my god! Why can’t we be Hollywood stars? JESS Because we’re too real. Hollywood is full of fakes and backstabbers. They would try to tear us apart, and I love you to much for that to happen. CECE Aww, I love you too. But nothing could tear us apart. JESS Yeah you’re right. CECE Even back in high school when I kissed your boyfriend. You didn’t care. You just completely blew it off. I knew we would be best friends for ever after that. JESS (beat) You kissed Timmy Galecki?! Cece shocked, realizes she never told Jess. CECE Ummmm. No. Well. Kind of. Yes. JESS (stands up) You kissed my first boyfriend, ever! CECE I thought you knew! Jess storms into the kitchen, Cece follows. CECE (CONT’D) Jess, don’t make a big deal about this. It was ten years ago. JESS That’s not the point, Cece. You kissed my first ever boyfriend and didn’t tell me. We’re suppose to be best friends who tell each other everything. CECE I’m sorry! If it makes you feel better, I didn’t enjoy it. His mouth was all wet. JESS Hey, he had a saliva problem. It was not his fault! CECE Why are you defending him? His nickname was “The Drooler”. You made it up senior year. JESS Yeah, because he dumped me for a mysterious woman! (beat) It was you! CECE Well, I didn’t go out with him did I? JESS Ahhh! I can’t believe this. Jess grabs the sink hose and points it at Cece. CECE Jess, no. Don’t you dare. Jess sprays her. CECE (CONT’D) That’s it! Cece runs and grabs the cookie dough from the couch, comes back to the kitchen -- flings a handful at Jess. JESS I’m gonna make you wetter than Timmy! Jess blasts Cece with the sink hose. INT. RETREAT RESTAURANT - NIGHT Daisy and Winston finish dinner. The bus boy takes away their plates. WINSTON See. Am I a genius or am I a genius? Now, can we go and have sex please? DAISY Fine. But no talking. Winston jumps up in excitement. Grabs Daisy’s hand and they run out of the restaurant. Turning the corner, Daisy bumps into an older man and his wife. She looks up -- it’s her parents. DAISY’S FATHER Daisy? DAISY No. DAISY’S MOTHER Daisy, what are you doing here? DAISY Playing hide and seek. DAISY’S FATHER Daisy, take off those sunglasses. Daisy takes off her glasses and hood. So does Winston. DAISY’S MOTHER Who’s your friend, honey? DAISY This is um... WINSTON (cutting in) Her boyfriend. Winston shakes her parents’ hands awkwardly. DAISY’S FATHER How come you never told us about... WINSTON Winston. DAISY Well, we just started dating. We’re not at that stage yet. DAISY’S MOTHER Oh, so this is really awkward for you two? WINSTON Just a little. DAISY’S FATHER So what are you doing here, if you just started dating? Daisy and Winston share an awkward look. DAISY Drinks? INT. BAR - NIGHT Nick and Schmidt are still at the bar. Nick looks miserable as ever. SCHMIDT So what do you want to do buddy? NICK Drink my way through middle age into lonely grumpy old age. SCHMIDT Well that sounds fun. (beat) I’m going to go to the bathroom. Don’t kill yourself, okay. Nick begrudgingly nods. Schmidt heads to the back. NICK Barkeep. Another scotch. An attractive WOMAN sits next to Nick, he doesn’t notice. WOMAN Good choice. BARTENDER hands Nick his drink. BARTENDER That will be nine dollars. NICK My friends paying. BARTENDER What friend? WOMAN I’ll take care of it. The Woman hands the Bartender a ten dollar bill, he walks away. NICK Thanks, that’s very nice of you. But you really didn’t have too. WOMAN I know. I wanted too. They share a smile. WOMAN (CONT’D) May I try it? I love a good scotch but it’s hard to find one these days. NICK looks confused as he hands over his scotch. NICK You sure? You don’t even know me. I could have the flu. WOMAN I’ll risk it. She takes a sip. WOMAN (CONT’D) Mmm. That is good scotch. Hand back his drink. WOMAN (CONT’D) So mystery man. Alone in a bar, drinking scotch. What’s up? NICK You mean I’m not beaming sunshine? WOMAN Not really. NICK Ever had a day where you just have no hope for your love life or anything in your life? WOMAN No. NICK Of course not. You’re an attractive woman, you can have any one you want. WOMAN Exactly. The Woman takes a pen out of her bag and writes something on a napkin, slides it to Nick. WOMAN (CONT’D) I always get what I want. The Woman stands up and walks away. Passing Schmidt, who takes a second look. Nick reads the napkin. SCHMIDT Who was that? NICK No idea. But she gave me her number. SCHMIDT What? How? NICK I don’t know. She paid for my drink, had a sip, and left. Like a sexy wanderer. SCHMIDT See! You’re Nick Freaking Miller. You’re like baby Jesus. NICK That’s a weird comparison. But yeah, I’m Nick Freaking Miller. END OF ACT II ACT III INT. LOFT - NIGHT Cece is locked in Schmidt’s room. While Jess stands outside, covered in cookie dough. Holding a jug of water. JESS He was my first boyfriend. I had zero confidence before that, you knew that. It’s not fair you had all the attention in high school. CECE (O.S.) You don’t think I had zero confidence? Yeah, boys all paid me attention all the time. But no one ever wanted to date me. I was just eye candy to every boy in school. JESS Why did you never tell me you felt that way? CECE Because I was the cool and bulletproof one in school, and you were the dorky, fragile one. I always wanted to be strong for you. JESS Oh my god Cece. That is the sweetest thing. A water-soaked Cece opens the door. CECE I’m sorry I kissed your weird boyfriend. JESS I’m sorry you kissed my weird boyfriend too. They hug. Jess pours the jug of water over them both. INT. RETREAT BAR - NIGHT Winston, Daisy, and her parents are laughing, seeming to have a good time, except Daisy. DAISY’S MOTHER Daisy, I’m disappointed. Winston is great. Why didn’t you tell us about him sooner? WINSTON Yeah babe, why not? DAISY (unimpressed) Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. DAISY’S FATHER Winston you don’t know how happy I am that you’re dating my daughter. WINSTON Why’s that? DAISY’S FATHER Well all her past boyfriends were spiky haired street racers. Total idiots. WINSTON (turning to Daisy) Is that so? Well sir, I really like your daughter. I’m so happy she’s in my life. DAISY Aww. DAISY’S MOTHER That’s so sweet. DAISY We gotta go. WINSTON What? Why? We’re having a good time. Daisy leans over and whispers in Winston’s ear. WINSTON (CONT’D) (to Daisy’s parents) Great meeting you. Winston and Daisy run off, leaving her parents confused. INT. LOFT - NIGHT Nick and Schmidt enter the loft. Nick has his arms raised. NICK (shouting) I’m Nick Freaking Miller! SCHMIDT (shouting) I’m Schwinning. NICK Jar. They turn to the kitchen to see the mess. Jess and Cece are sitting at the dining table still soaked and messy. Schmidt shrieks and faints. NICK (CONT’D) What the hell is going on in here? JESS What are you talking about? NICK The mess! JESS Oh yeah. Don’t worry about that. What’s with the shouting? NICK I’m Nick Freaking Miller, that’s why. I just got a number from a smoking hottie, without doing anything but being myself. JESS Sad and not groomed? NICK Yeah! CECE Really? NICK Really! JESS Congratulations! She runs up to him, but he stops her. NICK What is that? JESS Cookie dough. NICK Okay. They hug and jump around ecstatic. END OF ACT III INT. LOFT - NIGHT It’s the middle of the night, everyone is asleep. Nick comes out of his room, in his dressing gown, rubbing his eyes. He trips over Schmidt’s bike. NICK (quietly) Damn it, Schmidt. Stupid bike. He stands the bike up. Takes a look around, sits on the bike. Rubs is crotch on the seat, back and forth. NICK (CONT’D) (quietly) Oh look at me. I’m Schmidt on my Schwinn. I’m Schwinning. Yeah. Nick falls off the bike. NICK (CONT’D) I deserve that. FADE TO BLACK.
© 2014 Kyle LawrenceFeatured Review
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