Loving discretely

Loving discretely

A Poem by K.

Denial and carelessness

the thin masks we wear

Spiraling visions

Of moments we share

 

A friendship blurred

The lines were crossed

Neither one budges

In fear of the loss

 

Doused in the turmoil

Agonizingly infectious

Feigning disinterest

But secretly jealous

 

I don’t want you

You don’t want me

 

And yet here we are

both loving discretely 

© 2013 K.


Author's Note

K.

would love suggestions.
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I like how you talk about masks to start this poem. Using that image helps tell the reader that these two people have another identity that they are concealing. Seeing these relationships develop, seeing them slowly unveil themselves, often becomes a theatrical performance.

I have a few minor suggestions that I'll offer for your consideration. Using the word doused in the first line of the third stanza does provide a feel for how the stress of the situation envelopes both people. I think you could substitute that word for another that reinforces the idea of concealment to go along with the theme that you establish with the masks in the first stanza. The word doused sets up the idea of being covered, but not necessarily concealed.

I also think you could make the last two couplets one quatrain. I think that those lines could all go together as far as the overall idea of the piece is concerned.

I hope that those suggestions are helpful. I enjoyed reading this one.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

A well thought out, well constructed piece! (If I could figure out how to add U as a "friend", I would! :-)

Posted 2 Years Ago


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Sam
Doused in the turmoil. Nice word choice. This is so good, I wish I wrote it.

Posted 7 Years Ago


I like how you talk about masks to start this poem. Using that image helps tell the reader that these two people have another identity that they are concealing. Seeing these relationships develop, seeing them slowly unveil themselves, often becomes a theatrical performance.

I have a few minor suggestions that I'll offer for your consideration. Using the word doused in the first line of the third stanza does provide a feel for how the stress of the situation envelopes both people. I think you could substitute that word for another that reinforces the idea of concealment to go along with the theme that you establish with the masks in the first stanza. The word doused sets up the idea of being covered, but not necessarily concealed.

I also think you could make the last two couplets one quatrain. I think that those lines could all go together as far as the overall idea of the piece is concerned.

I hope that those suggestions are helpful. I enjoyed reading this one.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This was awesome absolutely awesome...brilliant!

Posted 7 Years Ago


I am a lover...and USER of the metered rhyme and I fully believe that it must be harder to do than free verse, as long as it flows effortlessly and this is a fine example...I loved this poem...Thank you

Posted 7 Years Ago


I don't have any suggestions because I do believe you have made your point succinctly and enphatically. Your friend in words, Pete

Posted 7 Years Ago


really good!
every line is full of meaning, exact what this needs,worked well , feeling of questioning too(for me)
really thanks for sharing this wonderful writing...

glitch

Posted 7 Years Ago


Loving discreetly makes for some fun, or can be painfully heartbreaking...I really enjoyed the rhyming couplets...awesome job...write on.

Posted 7 Years Ago


good job at keeping no periods, this can make different readings

Posted 7 Years Ago


if you love each other discretely and don't want each other. Isn't that a just waste of time, if its got to that point you should just drown it like a cat in a bag. All the messing about is bullshit you could be out their loving another man, yet its fear that keeps people together, they are weak. Love springs of stupidity it seems

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on July 16, 2013
Last Updated on August 22, 2013

Author

K.
K.

VT



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a senior in college studying to be a social worker. Some day I will change the world. more..

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