Loving discretely

Loving discretely

A Poem by K.

Denial and carelessness

the thin masks we wear

Spiraling visions

Of moments we share

 

A friendship blurred

The lines were crossed

Neither one budges

In fear of the loss

 

Doused in the turmoil

Agonizingly infectious

Feigning disinterest

But secretly jealous

 

I don’t want you

You don’t want me

 

And yet here we are

both loving discretely 

© 2013 K.


Author's Note

K.

would love suggestions.
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I like how you talk about masks to start this poem. Using that image helps tell the reader that these two people have another identity that they are concealing. Seeing these relationships develop, seeing them slowly unveil themselves, often becomes a theatrical performance.

I have a few minor suggestions that I'll offer for your consideration. Using the word doused in the first line of the third stanza does provide a feel for how the stress of the situation envelopes both people. I think you could substitute that word for another that reinforces the idea of concealment to go along with the theme that you establish with the masks in the first stanza. The word doused sets up the idea of being covered, but not necessarily concealed.

I also think you could make the last two couplets one quatrain. I think that those lines could all go together as far as the overall idea of the piece is concerned.

I hope that those suggestions are helpful. I enjoyed reading this one.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Alot of émotions and Feeling s for such a quick poem nice work good stuff

Posted 7 Years Ago


A very cute sweet romantic piece indeed !!!
Loved how it was written and how it just simply flowed :D

"And yet here we are
both loving discretely"

Bravo!!!

Posted 7 Years Ago


wow, interesting ... "denial and carelessness are the masks we wear" when really, I find myself trying to mask the carelessness ha
Really good I really enjoyed this. Both my mum and dad are social workers and they urge me to go down the same road ... so it's nice to see that you're studying it :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


Such a lovely poem, I really like the fluidity of the stanzas and the rhythm of the rhyme scheme, almost like a heartbeat. Beautiful piece! :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


sometimes you need to take a step where angels fear to tread... because you just HAVE to.

as for suggestions on the poem? - It has clarity, good flow and thought-full words of your choice. Would be a shame to argue with success.

Posted 7 Years Ago


nice...bet it would be good spoken aloud

Posted 7 Years Ago


Lovely! It can be so hard for a person to make the first move. I feel like you lose more when you can't be honest with yourself out loud. I'm unable to keep crushes secrets anymore. Life is too short. This poem has a great flow to it

Posted 7 Years Ago


It's good to see some decent rhymes nowadays. And I like the cleverness of the lines "Feigning disinterest / But secretly jealous". A nice, intuitive tap into life.

Good job.

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on July 16, 2013
Last Updated on August 22, 2013

Author

K.
K.

VT



About
a senior in college studying to be a social worker. Some day I will change the world. more..

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