Demons (Always Love Me)

A small story I based around the song Demons by Imagine Dragons about my girlfriend at the time Jamie

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

Today was the day. Though I felt on fire, the day was cold and arid. I wasn’t ready to tell them. I could never face them again. They would hate me. I looked over at Jamie. She smiled at me softly. I folded under her kind eyes. I had to tell them today. I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I walked into my home. Everything seemed at a stand still. As if even the house knew I was going to tell them As if the world stopped spinning just to see if I would do it. When I walked in, I saw my very religious grandmother sitting with the rest of my family. I had asked them all here. She seemed to sit high above everyone. She thought because she was a ‘saint’ everyone had to follow her lead. I lowered my gaze from her. How would she take this?

How would everyone take this?

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I was failing all of them. They all expected me to have a good life. To get married to a handsome man and have a big family. How could I fail all of them like this? They were family. Maybe I shouldn’t tell them. I knew they would all get angry. Everyone I had looked up to for so long would hate me. They would shun me. They would never want to see me again. They would no longer want to be family…

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

I don’t want to tell them. I want to protect them from me. But I had to. For Jamie. For me. For us. Besides I couldn’t hide it from them forever could I? I couldn’t just change or hide forever. Eventually they would have to know.

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

I coughed to get their attentions. Everyone turned to face me. I gulped. How could I start this? I felt Jamie stand beside. I felt a little better. “I guess a good way to start off is saying, I love you guys. No matter what I do or what you say I will always love you.” This seemed to spark their interests.

“What is this about?” My mother asked. It seemed like one half of my family glared at me, like they already knew what I was going to say would be evil, while the other half seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. I closed my eyes tightly.

“All of my life I have only wanted to please you guys. But now…Now I need to start looking out for myself. I want something.” I felt Jamie entwine her fingers with mine. I love her so much. I could feel everyone staring at our hands. This is what I had to tell them. This is exactly what I had to tell them.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

I felt my face burn as the whole room went into an uproar.

“What is this about Katie?”

“Why is she holding you hand?”

“Damn it Katie what is going on?”

I opened my eyes. I mentally begged them not to look there. They might see the true me. They might see the me that loves Jamie.

I wished they all had hated me. I wished none of them had like me to begin with. This would make this so much easier. It would only give them another reason to hate me. I wished none of them had ever gotten close to me. It would have hurt them less. It would have hurt me less.

Curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

I could feel the chaos calm down as they waited for me to clear things up. They wanted me to ease their minds. But I wouldn’t. This would be the last time I would ever let them down. They would kick me out and forget about me.

I looked up and saw my grandma glaring at me and Jamie’s joint hands. She glared at is as if we were the devil himself. I guess in her eyes we were. Just sinners seeking forgiveness. But she wouldn’t give it. Her eyes told me she would never forgive.

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

I couldn’t find the right words to tell them. I couldn’t find what to say. They were already judging me. The whole only getting deeper the longer I waited.

I could already see what would happen when I told them. These people, my family, will come at me. Yelling at me and Jamie how wrong we were. That our love was a mistake. They will lash out at us and all that will remain is a mess. A huge mess never to be cleaned.

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

Jamie squeezed my hand, giving me support. I closed my eyes again to avoid their hurtful stares.

“I…I don’t want to let any of you down. That is the last thing I ever wanted to do to any of you.” I reopened my eyes. They all stared at me. I felt a fire in me burn. “B-but I am tired of fearing you guys. You can say whatever! That I am wrong, that I’m crazy, that I’m going to hell. But just so you know I am telling this for YOU guys. I’m tired of having to hide this from you. I’m tired of having to lie.” I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.  

“I’m in love with Jamie.”

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

Everyone stared at me. Some were glares. Some were just plain evil. Others were hurt. I felt Jamie let go of my hand.

“And I love Katie.” She said with a nod.

I watched every generation of my family explode. My grandmother threw a terrible fit.

“That little demon is going to go to hell. I tried to save her, but she is just too far gone now. I hope you know God has no mercy on f**s”

Tears welled my eyes. The woman was evil. A selfish, hypocrite, evil woman.

The rest of the room followed suit. Some where yelling at me and Jamie. Everyone else was trying to calm them down. I shook my head. I knew they would act this way. They hate me for who I am. They will always hate me.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

As the arguments heated, I was unable to speak. I could not defend myself or the love of my life. I wished now they could see through me. That they could see the love I had for Jamie. I wished they could see deep inside of me. I am still Katie. I am still me.

No one confronted me or Jamie. They only argued with each other. I felt Jamie reach for my hand. I grabbed it and held it tightly. I shut my eyes tightly. Everything about me felt tight. I wished someone would separate from the arguing. They would come up to me and hug me and say it was alright and they still loved me and they would always love me…

…but nobody did.

I guess nobody knew how to get close to me now. It was much easier to argue about me then talk to me. They couldn’t see me. It was like I was a foreign language now. Because I am gay. All because I’m in love with a girl.

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

That night I stayed at Jamie’s house. I couldn’t be at home. Even when I left, they all still argued about me.

I laid on Jamie’s floor and stared up at the ceiling. One thing had been bothering me. Something said before I had left.

“Nobody is born that way. She chose it for herself.” I couldn’t tell who said it. But I thought hard on this.
I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote a note.

“I did not choose to love girls. I am in love with Jamie because it was meant to be. You guys believe you can choose to change your life, but I say it’s up to fate. I’m not ‘gay’ because I chose to be different, because I wanted to rebel, I am ‘gay’ because it is who I am. I am someone who wants to find that special person within the same sex. I am who I am. Deep within my heart and deep within my soul. And, I know you disapprove. But I can’t change. And if you can’t accept me. I need to let you go.”

I cried. This was the most difficult thing I had ever done.

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

Maybe this wasn’t true. Maybe I really did choose what I am. Maybe I could easily just change ‘back.’ It would make them happy. They would all love me again. I looked at Jamie. Though she slept, she looked so peaceful. I wish I could keep this peaceful and use it for myself.

She was so beautiful and brave. I wish I could be brave,

I looked back down at the note in my hand. There was no turning back for me. I am who I am. I can’t escape what I have done. I cannot go back in time. I am Gay, Lesbian, homosexual, whatever name you want to call it. There is no breaking free.

I love Jamie. And there is nothing they can do about it.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

It was three days after I had given my mom the note. They wanted me to come home so we could talk. I agreed, but Jamie had to come.

As I stood in front of all of them once more I felt the tension rise. I was scared. What would they say to me?

They all seemed to look into my eyes. They were looking for something. The truth. Was this all real? Could this have really happened to me? To them?

I noticed my grandma wasn't there. Wouldn't she enjoy it most of all? Everyone screaming and yelling at me and begging me to change. She probably hated me now. Maybe too much to even face me.

No one approached me still. As if they didn’t know how anymore. Then, my mother spoke. “I…We love you Katie. No matter what. We will always love you.”

I felt tears stream down my face. They didn’t hate me? After the screaming and the arguing and the cruelty, none of what had happened changed that?

I felt Jamie hug me. Then my mom. Then everyone.

Even though I was gay they still loved me. No matter what, they still loved me.

Author's Note

Any review is appreciated :)

Reviews

[Loralei]

This was great! I loved how you incorporated lyrics and the built up tension.