Prologue: The Set

A brief introduction of the magical castle, the king, and the assassin/main character: Zari.

            The King of the Cloud Castle instilled the task of his personal protection to the most highest-ranking assassins and soldiers. They were given the title of the King’s Shadow because they could melt away in the darkness: still present but unseen. They could command the shadow and drown their victims in the cold deadly darkness. If needed they could shelter an entire army. 

The legends of the King's Shadow swept the land far and wide, providing him a fearsome aura. Few dared disobey the King of the Cloud realm. His reign was powerful and his will was strong. Despite this he sought out to create a peaceful kingdom, a place where his citizens would feel safe.  His subjects lived healthy and happily under the fierce shield of the King's Shadow army. 

But peace rarely lasts without chaos and shadows are anything but darkness. 

The Cloud Kingdom itself was a magnificent sight to behold. It was beautiful only in a way that could be magical. The castle itself sat above the highest peak of a mountain. It levitated, barely cresting the tip of the mountain, on a combination of machinery and magic. The landscape of the Kingdom was shaped in a circle with four supporting rings that were connected by bridges made of silver coils and white stone planks. 

 Clouds drifted by and veiled the castle in a soft white mist. When the mist parted and the sun shined on the castle's white glossy stones, there was a blinding light that warded off dark beady eyes. At the base of the castle flowed several thin waterfalls and streams. The dampness and mixture of pure sunlight created the rarest flora and fauna. The run off from the waterfalls then fell in steady steams unto the Earth realm below supporting much of the lush green vegetation. 

Every sort of extraordinary person resided in the castle. Alchemists, magicians, witches, elves, and the human half breeds of mountain lion and mountain cat descent. It was rumored that even the King himself had blood mingled from the magicians of Old Time and that he, in an unexpected experiment, had created the first Shadow. 

The Shadows were a half breed of human and ethereal magic, who claimed to have witnessed the birthing of the first kingdom. Uncertain of their true origins, ethereal beings soon became shrouded in rumors. Only the King and the royal family had access to the tombs that housed ancient pictographs that used paint for blood. 

Time being old and mysterious to the historians who took great interest in the King's Shadows tried to create a memoir distinguishing a timeline from these ancient pictographs. But the King felt it necessary to the people and his kingdom that the origin of the Shadows were kept a secret and had the books destroyed. He knew that the Shadows held their own accounts of their history. And although they were his servants, he felt that he owed them some secrets of theirs to be kept within their possession. 

Zari, a Shadow, traced her fingers along the lines of golden inked sentences. The fire in her heart glowered. The image of the King retold in this black book was confusing. This was not the King she knew and served. 

It had been decades since the first King had ruled peacefully. It had been decades since the Second King had gathered the extraordinary beings. And it had been decades since the Third King had finally granted the Shadow's their one wish. The retelling of history was altered in the eyes of every new Kings as they all wanted to best each other. And soon historians began to lump them all together so that gradually there was one great King. 

He became the Cloud King. He was great, ruthless, and intent on keeping peace. Just as all the others had. 

So that the Cloud King soon became immortal and his legacy never wavered. 

         

Author's Note

Dear readers, this was once the first chapter but I've changed to the prologue on many of the reviewers suggestion. I also feel it should be a prologue and I've noticed that this is not as exciting as I want it to be. Any suggestions would help immensely, thank you.

Reviews

[Christoph Poe]

I am loving this. Honestly. There are few I come across here who I'm simply wowed by, and you've met the criteria.

"So I'm gonna be picky..."

Sound familiar? XD

I think the first paragraph should go. That's just me, but I think describing the "King's Shadow" and what they do right off the bat is giving away too much right at the beginning. "The King's Shadow" is already mysterious enough to keep us wondering, and just the title sounds amazing and intriguing. Don't '"tell" us what they are and what they specifically do, but rather show us later on.

I think this would sit best as a prologue rather than the first chapter. (That's just another thought.)

Your use of vocabulary is phenomenal, you've managed to use all of them right, and everything makes perfect sense. I'll add to be careful not to use big words too frequently as it can often scare readers. I've been told that the average reader had a 7th grade reading level, though I'm unsure if that's entirely true or not.

So to sum everything up, you've got a beautiful story ahead of you, and I can sense you are very passionate about it as well. As long as you're willing to keep me around, I'll be keeping up. :)

(And I'll remember this day that I >>kinda

[Katiya K]

Hahahaha!!! Christoph! xD

Thank you so much for a wonderful review! It was very picky indeed >:) Your advice is amazing and I will get to editing to it right away. I really like your point of not giving too much about the Shadow's away :3 and the vocabulary...which is probably true!

Bahaha I would love to keep you around. You're a great reviewer. And I'm glad your really picky with me hahaha x)
Everything in your review helped me immensely! So thank you again. And YES of course you totally helped me out hahaha. :)

[eatme]

I would like to see:
It starts with an assassin, an actual assassin who is on a mission to kill the king or whoever this guy is.
There is some cool lines about how he breaks in.
Then, these shadow guards show up, and totally a*s rape this guy, humiliate him with their cool abilities.
As they are mopping up the mess, the lord chamberlain of the king and some other high ranking functionary exchange a dialog about the nature of the guardians, these story elements you want to prologue, but in dialog form.

One of the great tools is the Doctor Watson. Instead of narrating what Sherlock Holmes thinks and finds, he gets to have dialog with Watson, so make those things HAPPEN rather than said by a narrator.

All the material needs to be shown rather than told.
Like in a naughty book, don't 'tell me' she is best in bed.. *rubs hands with anticipation* SHOW ME she is.

[Larsa Valeth]

i quiet like the prologue and it is interesting. the story gives hint to some thing might happen possibly could happen between the shadows and cloud king. deep down i would like to know about the founding of the kingdom because it sounds like that their was something major going on at the time that gave way to cloud king taking power. even if it is a small paragraph like "before the Cloud King there was chaos, darkness and death....". this could help create a reason for the creation of the Shadows by the Cloud King, even if it is a false one and that true reason has be lost to time

[SquinklaPsyOps]

I very much like your style of writing, Thanks for sharing this piece.

[Gosia]

First of all, I found your prologue very different from the beginnings of other fantasy stories. I caught that fairy tale jib while reading the chapter. It was short, there was very little action in it, no plot twists and inrigues right from the beginning, but it got my attention anyway. It's great you managed to do it. You showed your readers your fictional world without overwhelming them with complicated details and confusing them, but conveyed enough for them to know where they are. You have a big fat pat on the head from me for that.
Good job.

[Katiya K]

Gosia, I do love pats. Thank you!
Honestly, I was surprised reading your comment. To me the prologue is very drab I wondered how to make it interesting - with out giving to much away! Thank you again for the lovely review. Can't wait to take a look into your writing!

[Ashleigh Nicole Evans]

Hi Katiya,

I apologise for the late review, I usually actively partake in reviewing the featured authors in this group but I had a crazy week. That being said, I am very impressed with the detailed development of your world. Being an aspiring high fantasy writer myself, I fully understand the difficulties involved with creating a highly developed world from scratch so very well done on that account.

With respect to the prologue, I appreciated the fact that it stood out as a prologue should in that you addressed some of the major plot points in order to give the reader an understanding of the intricacies of your story. However, I must admit that I would have preferred if you chose to involve the reader more in the prologue rather than focussing so much on merely telling us the necessary details. I do understand that it was your prologue and not an "official" chapter, but perhaps it would be advantageous if your readers are immersed in your story from the get-go instead of only being plunged into the world in the subsequent chapters.

However, you did do a wonderful job of depicting the your world and I commend you for that. All in all, I would be very interested to keep reading, I think the Shadow is a wonderful idea and you could do a lot with it. So kudos to you :)

Cheers,
Lubaina

[Katiya K]

Hi Lubaina,

No, thank you for stopping by to read and review :) It means a lot. I like your point very much. There was a little nagging feeling in the back of my mind that kept on reminding me how outline-ish this seemed to be. There was really nothing interesting going on in the prologue and I think if I take your advice I could make it more interesting and captivation.

The only thing is that I already started writing the following chapters and it's hard for me to go backwards (that's why there is a missing first chapter) but I will work hard at it !

Thank you again for your kind words and for dropping by!

[Ali]

Overall, I think you have a good premise, but I feel that there is a lack of action in the prologue that lends a slower start to your story. For example, you set up a very active idea: magical and deadly Shadows who protect their King by any means necessary. I expected the next paragraph to go right to a concrete example of how the assassins operated: a particular person they assassinated or a specific example of them carrying out their duty. As a reader, I would like to see more details about the main character soon after the world is established, so I have someone with whom to identify. I think that there is some beautiful imagery and good ideas in your prologue, but I feel that action and a sympathetic character are a good draw to make an exciting beginning.

To me, the second paragraph is too general in nature - it adds no details or specifics. What does it mean that his reign is powerful? How does he show that he is strong? How does he make the citizens feel safe when there is a shadow army that is unseen and can kill by any means necessary? I would feel unsafe if I lived under such a government (I thought of the KGB when I read about a shadowy police force).

We don't see the assassin who will be the protagonist (or antagonist) of the story until paragraph 9. And the first time we see her, she is reading a book and reciting history to the reader. She's an assassin - as a reader, I want to see her kicking some butt from the get-go. After that, there's plenty of time to establish the scene and the history of the kingdom.

Hope that helps!

[Katiya K]

Ali,
Thank you for your honest review. I loved reading this because reviews like this help me where I need to improve the most. I agree with you, I know my prologue was boring...I'm still using it as an outline to help me plan everything out.

Yes, that is my plan. The first chapter is going to go more in depth about the Shadows and why the kingdom needs assassins. I've been struggling with connecting the prologue to the first chapter to the second chapter so that is why there is so many gaps and the prologue and the second chapter flows too smoothly. But with your advice I think I can work everything out :)

The second paragraph is meant to have lots of gaps because I hope that the reader would be a little edged on to find out why he's so powerful etc.

Don't mind me, explaining myself on this review comment really helps me think sort of "out loud" how everything will pan out.

Thanks again for the review and the read. IT really means a lot and you have helped me immensely!

[A. L. Allen]

I think you have a fabulous story going for you, dear. :) It is a very original plot, and I'm curious to see where it's going.

I do, however, have a few suggestions for you.

You use a lot of 'telling' rather than 'showing'. The words are very precise, but they don't let the readers' minds paint the pictures for themselves. Also, when you tell a lot of details for them, without a pause to let everything sink in, important details get jumbled up and lost. Another thing is that showing the readers your world makes it more engaging and exciting (as I noticed your struggling with in your Author's Note). They are completely sucked into the world as they picture it in the mind's eye.

There are also quite a few times that I noticed where you forgot to put commas in. I know it's a fairly nit-picky thing to say, but commas help with comprehension as well as flow. Try reading the chapter out loud to yourself, following the punctuation exactly, and that will help you find the problem points.

Honestly, I well and truly believe thatyou have a great, original, potentially epic stoey-line going for you (just from looking at the first chapter). All you need to do is immerse yourself in this world as you want your readers to be immersed.

I wish you luck! Keep up the great ideas!

[Katiya K]

A.L Allen, thank you very much :)

Ah, I see what you mean! To me it is very important to inspire the reader to imagine a world of their own and see my book sort of like a picture. I'll try my best to loosen up the descriptions so there is more room to breath.

Thank you for the positive note and really great tips. I will work harder to make this piece better because my heart is really in this story. Thanks again for taking the time to read and review :)

[A. L. Allen]

You are very welcome. Glad to help! :)

[Cedric D. Jr.]

I'll start by saying that it is a pet-peeve of mine to avoid reading (or watching/playing) books or chapters (or movies/games) out of sequence at all costs. It irks me too much to disturb or insult the plot by doing so. As such, since chapter one is not available at this precise moment, I will wait and then read, which I hope can happen soon.

That being said, I will say that this story is well set. I think that this is exactly what a Prologue should be, accomplishing just what it should accomplish. I also think that the creativity thereof is its greatest asset because you prove early with the setting and lore of the king, the shadows, and the kingdom that the rest of the story could be absolutely anything. The possibilities are endless, which is how a prologue should make the reader feel.

Well done.

[Christopher Angel]

The previous comment covered some of the minor gripes I've had with it so I'm just going to praise you. But since a lot of that praise have also been repeated, I'm just going to say; I wish I could write like you.

Your prose is so simple yet elegant. You explain things perfectly but in the most simplest of manner. It's easy to read and makes me want to keep reading.

[Katiya K]

Haha, wow thanks Christopher! I think that compliment is the most wonderful thing for a writer to read because it encourages me so much to never give up on writing! I'm glad I have been able to write "short and sweet" since I feel like there are many poets on here and people are more attracted to shorter stories - I had to find some way to combine the two with out leaving my own style of writing out. Thanks again so much for taking the time to read and review and leave such a lovely commment!

I can't wait to take a look into your pieces.

[Christopher Angel]

That praise was well deserved. And I promise to read the rest over the weekend when I can commit the time and attention your work deserves

[Writer #00]

You've got quite an elaborately envisioned world here, I see so much potential with writing in it. You've created a great history and let the readers know of it in a very concise amount of time with just enough detail to explain it and keep the reader interested. Writer's often create elaborate histories for characters and/or places and we have to make sure not to bore the reader to death by thrusting all our hardwork onto them in a blob of rambling text (you did not do this, so good job : ) ). You also left enough questions for the reader to want to read on (as I did--got to chapter four; then I realized Chapter One was unpublished so I didn't read it ^^'). Interesting names, too, and I love how you transition from the historical textbook/ myths narrative to the narrative of the story itself, establishing Zari's curiosity (which I see is an important part of the book so far) immediately. The thing is, this doesn't really seem like a prologue once you mention Zari. Prologues usually set the stage, as you did, or begin elsewhere to reveal some other character that is important in the plot aside from the MC. This prologue's end scene runs fluidly into the first/second chapter (a bit confused) as if there is no disconnection from chapterhood. I guess I'd suggest that from the line beginning with "Zari" to the end, you should add to the beginning of the next chapter, maybe recapping the prologue a bit for those readers who like to skip them (bad readers!). Overall, this seems like a great story with very interesting concepts that might be explained later on (such as the automaton...though I already know because I read a mini-description of your book in one of the forums ^^'). Nice job, I'll come back to review the other two chapters I read later on!

[Katiya K]

Writer, thank you again for reviewing :) Your compliments are always so lovely. I'm glad I did better in turning the previous first chapter into a prologue! I thought it wasn't as gripping to the reader because there wasn't any action and it was just about setting and history but reading your comment really sort of soothed my worries.

Hmm, do you mean the prologue and the second chapter I have up now? I am currently writing a whole NEW chapter one ^_^ but its taking some time because I am having difficulty finding a way to transition everything sigh. I hope you will have the time to review my new chapter one when it is released :) Thanks again for reviewing and reading my story it means so much to me and always encourages me to write more!

[Writer #00]

Yeah, I was confused. I realized Chapter One was after Chapter Four and it was unpublished...so I guess I ended up reading the second chapter thinking it was the first. I thought you may have forgotten to change the title of chapter two to one since the prologue is chapter one now. ^^ So there IS an actual chapter one? Okay, then I'll have to wait for you to publish it again, I guess...good thing I didn't review two and three yet, perhaps some of things I thought were confusing will make more sense once I read Chapter one, haha, good luck re-writing : )