Trypophobia

My right ventricle has developed trypomania

When my right atrium gets its dose of oxygen-poor blood

It is sent to the right ventricle

Only to seep out through the holes I allowed

You to drill there with power tools you bought for cheap 

By a brand named Careless

When I am distressed

About the fact that

I will one day die

If I keep this up

You are kind enough to supply me your solution

Trepanation

With those underqualified things

That always seem to describe the rugged gentry

You begin to drill your hole in my forehead

Until it’s received by my skull

I have a third eye now

It isn’t wicked

It is me allowing it to be there

As the only evidence

You tried to pursue unintentionally

When I saw the stress exhaust

Spew out from the crater you created

I knew it was what you thought of me:

I wasn’t good enough

You were not content

Nor proud

Never eager

To spend time with me

To offer me flowers

Candy

My favorite foods that you never bought

With your own hard work

Your own skill

Your own power

Your own manhood

And I cried

Your sugar momma didn’t

Even know my name

She didn’t know you were buying

Me my favorite things

With her addiction to have male attention

Her age sucked away

From her genetic makeup she’d make up her face to cover

And pay someone to restore

I don’t know if she could afford a cosmetic surgeon

In order to prevent that

I didn’t know her age,

Her worst fear 

Her highest goal

She had no idea that I like you,

That I shoved everything

Unwanted about what you were doing

Into my stomach

Until my kanga pouch was beyond bloated

From every unnatural, disconcerting 

Chain reaction that always happens when

My body understands

I’m not supposed to take this

She was absolutely clueless concerning

What my daydreams about you were about

I felt you would have liked them

Because you were absolutely clueless about them, just like her

Perhaps they would have helped you live longer

After all, they were for you

Maybe they had potential to excite your heart

Without caffeinated stimulation

Get your blood flowing

The way you did to me

To be ready to jump into your world

Let you name the children

Ice skate,

Run under water while breathing,

Escape contorting conundrums

Laugh until we cried, died and went to heaven

And came back just to find another joke

My left atrium is waiting for you

To stop hurting me

It figures the hole in your heart

That’s got you locked in your time machine

Would know that

The words good morning,

Thank you,

Have a good day

Will one day capitulate their faith to treat people well

And insult my religious soul,

How I enjoy my life of eating plants...

And make diligent efforts to stop

Since it won’t do your life’s remaining timeline any good

And the reason why I am in so much pain

Is because you can give two

You know what curse word I’m thinking of less

About what is going on in me

You should have never given me anything

Until you were ready to give yourself

You would have apologized

When the jig was up

When I watched you

Prancing from person to person

Asking them what they thought

About you being with another woman

Who’s sick enough to pay you for

Your services to care for her freely

When I was willing to care for you freely

In all that exciting possibility you were so enthralled in

I guarantee, you never mentioned me

What is my name to you?

Nowhere near as much as yours is to me…

I wanted to begin the hate journey

Show you how it’s really done 

By making your face the example I’d plaster 

On every billboard 

Just for laying out a red carpet 

Called forgiveness in order to express every iota of my chest

So that you might see it one day

In your bed

But all you gave me was fleeting banter about flight

And extraterrestrial visitations you possibly 

Believed I was more interested in seeing

Than placing my hand by your heartbeat

Christianity prevented that though

Reality said I’m really too tired to hate

For if I were to begin that journey on anyone

It would have to be myself for allowing me

To accept seeing your laugh, and wanting you to smile at something I said

I just want to heal!

God, why are they still

Coming onto me like a child molester

Obsessed with offering me toys, teddy bears

And time alone

I’m human

I don’t think you’re trying to break me….

But why are you trying to break me?

What did I do to you to deserve

This ventricular woman slaughter?

What is it about your penis

That makes you think it’s

Better than my vagina?

‘Cause that’s really the only difference between us

I just wanted an apology

For some man to for once in my life avoid 

Writing off what he’s done

You can’t jump over my hurt

It’s my hurt, I would have never befriended had it not been for you

Will you dodge my offer of reconciliation?

Or my vehement need

To bequeath to you 

Life beyond what’s happening between you and me now?

Talk to me

Hear where I feel for you the best

Hear me offer you power

Wrap you up in silken garments

Shower you with affection

Just because you’re human

Isn’t that why you keep hurting us

Much to your ambivalence? 

As we will never really tell you

What you’ve done

As you don’t have a whole heart to hear it

It has a hole someone put there

And I don’t think that they ever offered you a genuine apology

Which explains why you so blindly drilled

Into mine while trying to find the one with greater words you’ve never heard 

For your information 

More than my disappointment about this situation

Is a personal lesson I’d like to spell out

The previous address regarding my weakened heart condition

Is to elucidate why there’s such a thing as a mirror

Because when I sin

It is my duty to reconcile with Him

As I cannot expect a full life of every beautiful thing 

He will supply me

While neglecting He feels the exact same way as I

When someone who’s open to wanting me as their bride

Piledrives me with holes

Because he knows his life and my life 

Are like the north and south pole

So why try a little harder to merge?

At the moment I drill in His eternal heart’s core

Sourced by my abhorrence that He is Lord of our covenant

I must kneel before Him

Express against His chest 

My own will does not adore Him

So I’ve shown the world that I would rather 

Waste His time by creating a cluster of ugly little cavities upon 

His painstaking humanity and hang Him up for all to see

Until they sneer, or cringe, or vomit out their cry of leprosy

Right before they auction off their eyeballs for disposal

Never to have to see all that or the One with which it’s nailed upon

This torturous will I have to show the masses

As much as they can’t stand it

There has to be someone other than me I can always use to 

Make you itch but crave to gander it;

Your trypophobia

I had a hand in it

And the Man who handles it

Is as silent as a lamb with it

And until the day comes when I am sorry

That’s really how He manages

I pray He’ll wash my hands of it

So He can take my hand in His

With all those nasty holes in it 

Because He has forgiven it