Prologue - Hello World- B***h on the BeachA Chapter by Kiins This is the beginning of my book, The Purple Eye. I am currently writing it but apparently I should let more people see it so here it is !
First of all, I would like to say that this is not the story of my life. This is the INCREDIBLE story of my life. Seriously, you will NEVER find someone as interesting as me in the boring life that you live. So I guess this book should've been called « The Story of Kyle Porter » but I really didn't feel like it. For real though, have you ever tried to sit down and count how many books were entitled « The Life/Story of God-Knows-Who » ? This name is unbelievably overused. I'm sorry. I just couldn't. Oh and just to save you the trouble of reading 'til the end, I don't end up with “her”. Yeah. I know. Disappointing.
Prologue
Comfydence. This word is an alliance of comfort and ease mixed with secret, mystery and more secrets. It sounds pretty stupid, I know, but I just want you to understand that I chose to write this book for two reason. My primary objective was to leave a mark on this planet. I wanted to be remembered for something great that I did and not for just showing my private parts in a public newspaper. I want to make you think. Just a little bit though, I'm not saying that you should stop reading to think ,the thing is that you need to be proud of yourself. Of what you did and of what you will do in the future. For example, I'm sorry for making you cry but, what if the world was to end right now. What did you do ? What did you achieve in your life that made you so special ? Don't try to answer I won't hear you, I'm just letters on paper right now. But I'm sure some of you looked at those questions and thought « nothing ». You did nothing of your entire life, how will you explain to your Great Grandma Geraldine that she had a daughter who had a son who got you and that this « you » didn't do anything ? You wouldn't. And that is not a reproach, it's quite the opposite actually. I'm taking time (and f*****g pages, this is expensive) off of my book because I care about every damn person that will read it. And their parents. And you can tell the rest they're missing out on something great. But seriously though, after finishing this, which will take some time I guess, you need to realize the full potential of life. You are a free human being. Nothing stops you from running naked on the streets. Sure, cops will come after some time to tell you that you just can't do that all the time but that's reality. You have dreams, needs or just quick desires from time to time. Well you can. You are alive, and that's a gift that some people don't have anymore so... Enjoy your life ! You are not here forever and whatever happens, you're gonna end up dead and I know that's depressing but think about it. Might as well do something fun like, I don't know, climb mountains, sky dive all sorts of stuff. Of course you could just choose the regular formula implying the boring life with the boring wife & kids (that's a package). You decide and that's what's great about life. You're the builder of your own path. Put some loops on that b***h.
For the second reason you'll figure it out later. We're not in any rush.
Chapter 1 : Hello World
I think I should properly introduce myself. I don't want you to think I'm rude or anything. My name is Kyle Porter and I've just turned 21 today on July, 3rd. I gotta say, I am pretty pumped up about this. My dad promised me a car when I was 18 but when the time came, he just said that we were « a little bit short on money right now ». 2 months later that b*****d got himself the new Alfa Romeo Giulietta. I had never heard of this brand before and I swear , I truly thought this car was for me. But the only thing he managed to say was : « Sorry son, I can't give it to you right now but er... Keep hoping I will. » So yeah. I hate him for that. But except for this very moment when he decided to be a humongous a*****e, he's been a very good father all along the way. He taught me how to play football. And I mean Football not that European crap where every player tries his best to win an Oscar. Even, Cotillard (oh look, more Europeans) is a better actress in Batman than those faker when they fall. And I also cannot believe how stupid the referees are. It's like they're getting paid for this but because both teams pay the same amount of money they HAVE to blow the whistle every 2 damn minutes for it to seem fair. Anyway, that has absolutely nothing to do with what's happening right now. And it's pretty big. Pretty f*****g huge actually (you should prepare your brain 'cause even though I can contain myself, you may see me swear sometimes). Grab a sit you're about to be amazed. Ok here it is : I am getting a job at the Big Sister ! and wait ! That's not even all of it ! You remember when I told you that my dad bought that super expensive car from Italy ? How do you think he got the money for it ? This lucky man won at Mega Millions. I am not kidding. Well, after his heart attack. You see, he has kind of a weak heart so when he got sight of the winning numbers on TV, he freaked out a bit. That may be because he thought he lost the ticket but when he found out about it he just collapsed. Now, you can call me a bad son or whatever, but when I saw him just falling down like this, I didn't know what to do. I mean come on, try to understand. I was literally frozen. And the word is pretty well chosen 'cause I was eating a Popsicle at the moment. ANYWAY, (I get lost really easily so prepare to re-read those pages a lot) with the money, he bought huge parts of this journal, the Big Sister that is super powerful and always put a lot of pressure on politicians and celebrities, and made himself director. I didn't know you could do this kind of things with money but in our world, a horse could turn into a unicorn and suck your dick for a twenty. So naturally, since I'm his son. And he loves me. A lot. He had to find me something there. And he delivered. Damn, he delivered. From Monday, the 6th of July 2017, I'll be a journalist, no even more. I'll be a chronicler starting in the 649th edition of the Big Sister ! You can't even imagine how excited I am right now. This has been my dream since I was a little kid. To work as a journalist SOMEWHERE and now it's in the biggest newspaper of the United States. So yeah I still got 3 days to kill until Monday but that'll be easy. I get one free on 4th of July and... Wait. I need to tell you what happened last year. I know this has nothing to do in here but this is just too important. That's something that was pretty deeply hidden in my twisted mind but you must be worth it. You bought a book. There's absolutely no other way, for me, to prove my intelligence. Aside for not trying to f**k her best friend on National f*****g Day. Alright. You already got the plot now let's dive into the story.
Chapter 1.5 : B***h on the beach
It was the Fourth of July. Everybody was happy. I had just turned twenty and while I had to spend the very date of my birthday with family, I could NOT spend the Firework Fest (that's how Jimmy called it) alone. I grabbed my phone and called the first person I had in mind. Giulio, The Pizza Man. Don't make that face ! First of all, you gotta give me credit for not picking a guy named Luigi. I know I already yelled at you about the title of the book but try to sit down and analyze every piece of entertainment that has a pizzaiolo named Luigi. There's a shitload of it. And second of all ; what the hell could I achieve with an empty stomach ? In any case, I ordered my Roasted Garlic & Pepper Chicago Style Pizza (who said it was too much?) and decided to call my best friend Jeremy. I call that son of a b***h Jimmy because he's so smart he reminds me of Jimmy Neutron. I remember the conversation. No, actually I don't. Entirely. But it's my book as I said earlier so I can say whatever I want :
- Yo, Jimmy ! Whaddup babe ? - Nothing much honey, responded Jeremy with that tired voice of his. How did this birthday family-party go ? Did you finally nail your grand mother ? - Ah gross man, what the hell ?! You know it's YOUR granny I wanna do. She's a GILF ! - What the hell is a GILF, he asked. - A Granny I'd Like to F**k, I answered like it was obvious. Geez. You need to catch up dude, you're late in term of Granexpression. - Oh and I guess a Granexpression is an expression about Grannies. Although this could have been a clever wordplay, lectured Jeremy, I have to say... - BOOOORIIIING. So do you plan on seeing Cat today ? - Who the hell is... Oh right. My girlfriend, KATE. Nah she's fine without me. Plus, Dylan is with her today. - He's gonna tap that a*s, I coldly said. - And what do you know ? Catherine would never do that to me, he said, wondering. It's been two years now. If she wanted to cheat on me she would have done it a long time ago. - Buddy... I got a confession to make... - Please,you wouldn't be worth cheating ! Anyway see ya at 8, the usual spot alright ? - Aight. I'll see you later and « don't forget... - to properly... he followed. - ...wash that booty », we simultaneously finished.
This catchphrase does have a deep history. It mostly involves stupid partying and forbidden things. After that, I just went full retard for thirty minutes. You know, this moment when you know you're supposed to do something but you just don't feel like doing it so you start doing the most random and dumb s**t you ever done. Then eventually you stop. Think about it. And suddenly find the motivation you were seeking the whole time and start doing what you were actually supposed to do. Thirty minutes late. The thing is that I was actually supposed to dress. Well not only dress but dress UP. You know. Like leveling UP in a game or act UP as a giant b***h. All those words with up in it. I had to dress because this was a special night. You see, all of this was just a giant gear designed by my brilliant brain (what ? Cocky ?). If Jimmy came, he would OBVIOUSLY bring his girl best friend, Hailey. If Hailey came, she would OBVIOUSLY bring her guy best friend, I-forgot-his-name Johnson whom would finally and OBVIOUSLY bring Caren. Caren and I have a history together. It began at my birthday family-party, the day before. You know, Jimmy and I have known each other for quite some time now, like kindergarten or something so my dad sees him as a family member. Naturally, he showed up at the party and he didn't stay that long. But just long enough to introduce me to what I thought could be the love of my life. Boy was I dumb. We got in my room and that's when serious business started. He pulled out his phone as he received a call from his.. Brr.. His girlfriend, Catherine (the hottest girl on the campus. I can't even remember her face). She asked him if he hand an idea to help her best friend who just got dumped by an a*****e (we're all a******s afterwards) who apparently cheated on her several (7) times. What are you thinking in this exact moment ? I want to stop, no we'll stop don't you worry we got plenty of time to work with. What do you think happened next ? It's pretty obvious that Jeremy is my best friend, I've never been that close to a man even when I was into my anxiety phase (another story for another time). And it's also clear as a 300 meter wide diamond that this so called best friend had NO other choices in this exact moment than to present me to the poor and hurt girl. Just to make you understand the concept without too much details, all the actions that have been made by one of us two and that have an incident on the other's life are analyzed and processed through 3 zones. First we got the Bro Zone. He makes a mistake that couldn't be made by him specifically. Depending on the nature of the mistake, I decide to :
The Man Zone. He makes a mistake that any other human being with a solid stick wouldn't have made. I can :
And if you followed me at least a little bit you must know what the Human Zone is. (This only happens once a year as he never makes a Human Zone mistake.) At each zone, its punishment. The last time Jimmy went into the Man Zone, I snitched at his mom that he started smoking. Hey. Don't judge me okay ? You can't just screw up the code like that. But let me explain the actual case. While he was on the phone, I asked my man to put the sound on speakers so we could both be equally informed of what was currently being discussed. He didn't want to. My first reaction was understanding. I mean I know how you feel when you talk to your honey bean. You just want the both of you to stay in your little world. Escape, even for 10 seconds, from the hard and threatening reality and feel the love that you both sought. I understand that, I really do. But this is NOT about you two. It's about my a*s, my future love story, my future kids, my future dog, my future jacuzzi room AND MY WIFE ! I guess they didn't think about it at the moment. But the worst was yet to come. When I asked him what was the deal and if I had been the first pick in the draft he just responded with a mere « Wait ». But it wasn't the usual one, it was like something really big happened and he was chosen as the main character for this mad event. As I felt my low chances of approaching the aforesaid best friend lowering even more, I thought to myself « Aren't you in the 21st century ? Just facebook the name and if she's hot, try to Hotbook her too. » Let me tell you something. I'm usually a pretty smart guy, you know, with some strokes of genius from time to time. But today, I felt like the biggest idiot on Earth. While the two lovebirds had some fun with their sickening nicknames (Kitty Cat, JimJim and so on...) I picked up my phone and searched for... Nobody. I didn't even have the name of the girl I was already so obsessed with. So I just asked for it but the conversation we had was so unnecessarily long that I have to make you see it. When I asked Jeremy about this, he was in the middle of a pretty romantic sentence :
- Yo, um.. Jimmy ? I need the name of this girl. - --that's why you should apply semen on your face baby, said Jimmy with his most convincing tone. - What the... JIMMY ! LISTEN, I yelled. - Wait a second babe, he gently asked to his gf. What is it ? Can't you see a man is trying to facialize someone in here ?
Although I could totally follow him on this point, this one was far too easy.
- I already tried this with her, I joked, your girl hates cum. - How come you always say s**t like this when we talk about her ? Are you jealous, Kyle ? Do you want my girlfriend, he seriously asked. - What the hell ? This b***h is so ugly I wouldn't even use her face to wipe my a*s if I was in the desert but that's not what I wanted to-- - Oh yeah ? Well you're dad is so ugly that when he looks himself in the mirror the... - Mirror breaks. C'mon JimJim, I thought you were smarter than that. - No b***h, the reflection kills itself with a hammer !
No need to say that we could have been doing this for hours or days but the Illuminated Kyle recovered control and remembered his primary objective quite fast. And actually, this is pretty amazing I think I deserve some applause. No I actually deserve a choral chanting my greatness but we didn't have time for that. Now. - Wait how did this happened, I asked. I needed to ask you something ! - Oh, what is it ? Please. Ask me. I would be really happy if I could enlighten your knowledge.
I noticed the irony there but I was far too hyped to react to it.
- Oh f'real ? Thanks Man, I-- - Just kidding, he coldly answered. Screw you with your suicidal parallel father. Yeah, babe ? - What the hell, Jimmy, come on, I begged as I felt despair kicking in. - Caren Mazia. Just look it up on facebook. See you tomorrow brother.
Now I gotta be completely honest with you. If I had been, maybe, 5 years younger ; I would have cried. It's not even the fact that he finally revealed me the name that I was so dearly looking for. He did it in such a cool, awesome and BADASS WAY that I had to give him credit for this. When he left I jumped back on my bed and found an envelope under the pillow. It wasn't from Jeremy (because I would've wept like a little fat a*s 8 years old who made his ice cream fall. I'm telling you, I really was at the edge of tears) but from someone named Lola. I wasn't sure that I knew her, but apparently she was an old friend of my father. In it, all the regular birthday s**t like a card and some money but it was inexplicably heavy. I knew there was something left so I checked the bottom of the letter. And this had to be the most expensive gift that I ever received in my whole life. I instantly knew what Ms. Lola's job was. The b***h was a hooker. I'm telling you, she cannot afford this if she's living a regular life with a regular job. Or if she doesn't win Mega Million. It was a 10 carat almost invisible diamond ring. This was beautiful. It really was. I was pretty much the type of guy that tries his best to s**t on as much beautiful things as he can but this ring was gorgeous. The reflection of the light of my room on it blinded me several times and as much as I can remember, I never felt so happy to be blind. I stayed in shock for some time after I got the ring but when I came back from lovely-dovey land, I quickly took my phone. I had almost forgot the name of Caren but when I remembered, I had a little think before pressing the search button. Look, I was truly dying to see the face of this girl but... Mazia ? That's some European sound and since my youngest age, I've hated the European people. Don't even ask me why, I wouldn't be able to tell you anything. I just can't. But you know. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. So I pressed that button and damn. I was happy. You know, after seeing a 10 carat diamond you can't really be amazed by a lotta things I was still a little blind because of it and most importantly my brain had not recover from the shock but-- It's just-- HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO BEAUTIFUL ?! Caren had to be, without a doubt, the most beautiful human being that I saw and I have been in a room with Johnny Depp and Scarlett Johanson next to each other ! (I was invited to a press view of a movie they shot together. Pretty amazing. It was called « Hell-o».) But. Wow. First of all she was a brunette and this is something that you cannot neglect. I do not simply hate blond girls, I despise them (Scarlett is the exception which proves the rule). I don't even care about how stupid and easy they are. I just don't like that color on hair. So Caren. A brunette with hazel eyes. How can thou resist to that. That's not a question because there's no answer. You just can't. Her profile picture was filled with two other girls that I would probably never meet since it's been a year and I still have no trace of them. But who in the World cares about them. There was only one girl in the middle and she would be mine. I know it sounds a little creepy that I knew who she was between 3 people who do, actually, look alike but I don't care what you think. I fell in love at first sight for the first time of my life and this was the best feeling. Ever. While I was stalking on her facebook page (guys stalk too. I can tell you there's at least 12 guys on your facebook/twitter page right now and 8 of them spoke with you in the last ten hours) I saw another man named Something Johnson. At the moment I saw his name, I just wanted to kill. Not him specifically. Maybe his entire family or all his friends. Just to make him suffer. Make him feel pain. I clicked on his profile and saw that we had 10 friends in common. Let me just tell you that this guy was gay. He HAD to be gay. Or I just failed at life because he had absolutely no guy friends. His friends count was at 1.093 and there was no guys. No sticks. No balloons. No penis. No tails. I could go on so I might as well end it here. NO DICKS NOT EVEN ONE. NO MEN IN A THOUSAND F*****G PEOPLE HOW DID HE MANAGE TO DO THAT ! HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW ALL OF THEM SO THE GIRLS HAD TO GET A LITTLE SCARED ! I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO 1 GIRL IF I DON'T KNOW HER AND HE DID THAT WITH A THOUSAND OF THEM ?! Anyway. I need to calm down a bit. So. Hell. In our common friends, I saw Hailey. Ok. Hailey is a b***h. I like her, she knows how to be nice, how to talk to your parents (even if my dad doesn't need manners, it's nice to have a little respect once in a while) and above all, she is Jeremy's best friend. Girl best friend of course. I'm the main of this b***h. He ain't trading me for nobody. But she's a b***h. No actually, she's just a s**t. Her attitude towards boys is just despicable. She does everything she can to make them like her and get in their pants. When I first met her, I gotta say, I hated her. Apart from the fact that she's blond, she's vulgar in her speech AND in her way of dressing (well, except with parents but I already said that) and she looks like Taylor Swift. Actually I mistook her for Taylor once, we were in the mall with Jeremy and 2 of our friends and we just happened to run into her pretty well-dressed for once. Because she had done the same haircut I really thought it was her I even screamed it in the entire mall ; people came, took pictures and all. And that got me thinking. What if I did a sex tape with Hailey ? I could get mad rich for that. But this was before my daddy won so much money and also, she disgusts me. But she really is a nice person !.. Jimmy says... Anyway. I figured out there may be some connections and that's why one day after, the Fourth of July I asked Jeremy to come because I knew that sucker would bring his s**t even though he knows I hate her so much. And I was right. He brought her, she brought Johnson and Johnson brought Caren. She is so beautiful with the sunset in her eyes. I mean, for real though. I cannot believe how pretty she is. Even after spending one whole night with her (I swear I didn't touch my self). I still think of her now. She wouldn't be the prettiest girl I saw but she'd still be decently ranked. But before telling you what we did on this memorable fourth of July, I need to tell you how I dress for big events like that. I call a girl (yes I got some friends with a vagina) that helps me dress. And she knows her s**t when we speaking clothes. There was this one time in 8th grade. I had what I thought was the most important date of my life so I freaked out a bit. I don't think you'll need to remember her name but it was with Angela « Angie » Louis. Yes Louis is her last name. And I know what you think because I have the same thought. It really sucks to have a first name as your last name. IT'S NOT MEANT FOR THAT YOU A******S ! But I guess she didn't choose it so we can't blame her for it. She might have though. Think about it. Maybe she thought it would be cool to have only First Names. That b***h... I don't even know how I got here I wanted to talk to you about Madison. Yeah the girl who helps me dress you already forgot about her ? Damn, buy a brain, clown-fish. Madison Jones is one year older than me but she repeated 4th grade so she ended up in my class and I know we gotta move on because there's too much flashback but this was the best year ever. I mean I worked and all and I was kind of a good student actually. Sure I didn't end up in college or got a scholarship but I mean... I handled myself pretty well. So Madison was repeating so she had no interest what so ever in what we were doing in class. She was one of the first kids to get cell phones so she used to text with grown ups or big kids during class RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR TEACHER. Somehow, they never saw her so she never got grounded but at the second I opened my mouth to joke about Jeremy's grand-mother, Ms. Puffledrop yelled at me like I had said no to proposition 209. I know I just came out of ma mama at the time but I don't care. And I got carried away again. So Maddie had an awesome taste of fashion. For my date with Angie, she made me wear this awesome sweater with a simple pair of jeans. She said it would put a contrast between the quality of the outfit. Let me be honest with you. I didn't understand a thing. I mean I usually can't dress, even Jimmy laughs at my clothing tastes sometimes. So you must've figured out that I had to consult her. And that wasn't no Angie situation. It was at least a hundred times more important. Thus, I invited Rachel Zoe home. I gotta say, I could have make a better effort. To make it short, my wardrobe comes down to half a closet. Well came down to half a closet. I managed to fill the entire closet last week. With the help of Maddie, of course. Back to the story. I called her at 4 pm. so she could come at 5, spend two hours with my closet and we'd be on time to meet the others. But Ladies and Gentleman, this is Madison Jones. Although she has an amazing nose for beautiful things, she does not have the ability to not be late. I have never EVER seen her on time for something. Even when she used to date this son of a b***h, Eric. I think that's why they broke up. Yeah, well he was a dick anyway so (another story for another day). So this b***h, my lovely awesome beautiful and really nice b***h showed up at 6 which means that we only spent half an hour on my clothes considering I had to take a shower and then revise my plan to talk with Caren. This actually was a lot of fun. Maddie just stood there pretending that she was Caren and I had to seduce her I mean, you get the idea it's not something fancy or special. What was really funny was her answers. I personally didn't know Caren at this time, but I could have bet my two nuts that she would never say things like that. It was too intense :
- Are you ready for this, Madison asked. - Wait, should I start like right now or do we have a signal, I said, panicking. - Why would we need a signal ? - I don't know it's just... Argh, you know I'm not comfy around girls ! - Oh my God, did you just seriously say « comfy », she freaked out. - Yeah it's cute. It's a cute word and it's short.
This word was thought to me in an episode of Friends. Since then I can't stop using it.
- Okay. You cannot say this. Let's make this our No. 1 Rule : NOTHING IS COMFY, she yelled as she was writing it on a piece of paper. - Why ? This really is an awesome word ! Plus it's not that easy to get, as opposed to you. - Wow. You're such a dick when you're in love, noticed Madison while showing me her back. Actually you're kind of a p***y too so what would that make you ? A hermaphrodite I guess. - No, I'd be asexual you know, I answered. Like the legendary pokemons. - It's been such a long time since we played this. I think we should battle right now. - Oh hell yeah, I enthusiastically said. Lemme just grab my-- Wait-- No ! It always happens with you ! Why can't you focus on one thing and do it ? I'm just trying to prepare and I'm losing my precious time with you. S**t... Might as well do it the old fashioned way. In front of the mirror. - Okay, okay ! You don't need to scream, she quietly said.
An awkward silence entered the room. Well it would have been an awkward silence if it weren't with Maddie. She just looked at me with those big puss-in-boots-eyes and we went into an awesome laugh.
degrading.
told me about you. He said you were really nice and I gotta say you look a lot more handsome in person !
really can't tell the difference between you in person and on facebook. You truly are gorgeous anyway !
game.
responded with a slightly angered voice. - Er... Yeah ! Yeah, I actually come to the beach every Sunday. I work here as a lifeguard from time to time ! - Ok, she stopped. You cannot lie. This is the second sentence you say to her and you're already lying. What the hell, Kyle ? Do you really think she's that stupid ? That she'll buy it just because you have a nice smile ? - Well... Thank you, I stuttered. And what do you want me to say anyway ? I don't even know where we are ! - Just pretend we're at a bar. And no more lying, please ! - Alright... Well I'm not really into bars and stuff but I thought it could be nice to change for once, I confidently said. Plus it's the 4th of July so I figured « why not have some fun today » ! - Oh cool me too, cheerfully answered Maddie. Do you want to go f**k in the toilets ? - There is. No chance. That she'd say something like this. - Yeah but what if she does ? I mean you gotta be ready for-- - Maddie. Come on. Let's be serious for a bit. - But it's true, she yelled. What if you're alone and-- - Madison for God's sake ! Anyway... Yeah I would love to go f**k in the toilets.
I just knew that no matter how many times we'd try, it wouldn't be productive, so might as well get some fun out of it.
- Oh cool ! But I need to tell you that I'm really into anuses. Like, nothing makes me cum harder than putting my finger in the guy that's rubbing the extremity of his penis against my left armpit. - Okay. I got hard when I heard you talk about armpits, I admitted.
It actually kept going until 7:30.
- Hey, K. At what time do we meet the others ? - I don't know. 8 or something. We still got time right ?
She took a deep breath.
- I am so sorry. Like, really. I kinda feel like this is my fault. - What ? What's going on, I said quiet scared. - It's 7:30, she whispered. 32 to be exact. - Yeah ? Screw it, the b***h's waiting.
I still can't believe how Maddie was looking at me after this. She looked like she could do me right now. But you know I'm realistic. I've been in Maddie's friend zone for four years now. And trying to come out of a friend zone is like forcing your way into anal sex : It hurts everybody. Even if Madison is a really pretty girl. With her green eyes, hazel hair, C cup, and such a beautiful smile. When I was finally ready, I heard my phone ringing. And it was my mother. Now, the relationship I have with my mother is... Special. You see, she's never been there for me. And even though I would really love to talk to you about the woman who made me... Well actually I'd hate it so let's just say that she's like a distant friend, you know. You like it when you're around her but you just enjoy knowing that she is living a life of her own. Somewhere. I know it sounds kind of mean but I'm a little troubled right now. I actually really hate talking about my mom. As a kid I had a tough time forgetting about her and every time she called just to promise me she'd come even though she wouldn't, a little part of me died. Anyway. I don't want to feel down for now so I guess I'll just stop talking about her. Maddie saw the call. Or at least she figured it out because the second my phone stopped ringing, she gave me the look. You know, the look you give to someone whose pain is so intense that he can't even let it out of his body so the only thing you can do is give him the look to try and make him feel better. Just so you know, it does not work. It only makes the receiver extremely shameful even though he didn't do anything. But screw that, it was Caren Time ! After losing Madison's look, I finally got ready and called Jeremy. Apparently he got in a bit of a fight with his mother (lucky him) so she wasn't that cool with the fact that he would hang out with a bunch of 20 years old with no future. It's not nice but it's just how she is. Ms. Leon is actually a really nice women and I'm not saying this because she's my best friend's mother ! It's just that... I think I really want to talk about my mother but I won't. Because if I start on this subject we're on it for 200 pages. Anyway, we met Jeremy at the beach who managed to go out without his mother's consent. « She'll be there any minute now, Don Juan. » when he said those words, my heart started beating harder, better, faster and much stronger. Usually when I stress like this, I just escape in my mind and stay there for, like, ten minutes or so. It calms me down incredibly fast and also allows me to have a talk with myself. I know I look like someone that talks to himself a lot but I actually don't. I see the World as a giant cage. For me, the only way to escape this cage is to dive right into my mind and just stay there. But it didn't matter. I had found what I was looking for. I need to tell you that before the end of the night, she had f**k me twice. But I don't want to spoil too much so I'll just let you enjoy the rest of the story while I try and keep my anger deep inside my heart. What a hard thing to do. I just want to destroy everything right now but then I wouldn't be able to finish. Caren. Ok this will probably sound creepy but I actually remember the exact clothes she was wearing. I don't know, it looked so beautiful to me I just couldn't forget it ! Alright so first of all she had a sun dress. I personally thought that this was a very ambitious move considering the fact that every other girls in here were caught up tight in their skinny jeans. So her dress was... Pretty hard to describe. The thing is that she had little dots on her-- Okay I get it. It was a white dress with red dots. Or no, maybe red with white dots. I can't describe it but it was gorgeous. It really was. And she had that little cleavage that's really sexy you know but not so s****y. Lord have mercy... I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was too good for me. I knew it was probably too much thinking for it to stay in the healthy line but.. I was really worried about it. But then she talked.
- Hi ! Oh my God, are you Kyle ? O.M.G. Kate told me about you and I was worried that maybe you'd be like, ugly but I mean you're passable like, I guess !
I looked at her face. Her beautiful, beautiful face for five seconds, took a deep breath and said :
- Can you excuse me for a minute ?
I went to Jeremy and Madison and just took them from the group.
- What the hell is that, I asked, freaked out. - What do you mean, said Jimmy in the coolest way ever. - Even I can say she's pretty and I really am a b***h, admitted Maddie, so what's wrong ? - HER F*****G... Her f*****g voice man ! Did you hear it ? Just once ? - Oh. You noticed, coldly said Jimmy.
yeah she's pretty and she said that I was passable-- what the hell does that even mean-- but you know, look isn't all that matters with a person. You gotta find the inner beauty of the person you like. And I'm not saying this just to look cool or anything, I'm being serious.
- Gay, cut Jeremy. You need to get laid. You really think I brought her here and introduced you like you were a god only for you to find her inner beauty ? Grow up man. She's not a women you wanna marry. - I never talked about marriage... - Oh Kyle, for Christ's sake, don't listen to him, erupted Madison with a convincing tone. I know he's your best friend and all but this is just a bunch of bullshit. First of all...
I know she talked after this but I couldn't hear a thing about what she was saying. Jimmy and I were carefully trying to see under Caren's dress.
- What ? I wasn't listening sorry, could you repeat ? - Oh. I didn't say anything, answered my personal stylist. - But I thought--
I still have no clue about what happened that night with Madison. From what I understand so far, she was pissed because I wasn't listening to her inspirational speech. She didn't say anything about it but I'm quite rigged concerning girls' feelings. And believe it or not, I never saw her after this night. She just disappeared of my life. So anyway, we headed back with the 4 others and I chose to spend some time with Hailey. Even though she's blond and she's a s**t, she is Jeremy's GIRL best friend so she had to have a cool side and I gotta admit : I was pretty happy when I found it. I'm usually uncomfortable around girls but her natural sluttiness (yep, I said it) can make any man, as shy as he is, comfy with her. So yeah we have the same political opinion, we both hate carrots and most of all she is totally into unicorns. Let me just tell you that the love life that living with unicorns is undoubtedly the best love I ever felt. I just love those fantasy animals. I ended up liking Hailey. A bit. I still despise her blond hair and her sluttitude but she's alright overall. I guess. There was a nice pub next to the beach and it delivered some pretty awesome music so it actually felt like a party. But it wasn't. It was a Meety. Now it looks like a creepy online dating website.
But I gotta be honest with you, Caren does NOT dance. I mean, right now her weirdness level was WAY OVER 9000 ! She started dancing like a 10 years old, mixing the robot dance with 70's disco and if she wasn't that gorgeous, I could have puked right at that moment. The more she danced, the closer she got and the stronger the smell of alcohol was. Seriously, this b***h was so drunk I bet she wouldn't even know her own name ! I suddenly remembered what my dad had told me about having sex with drunk girls : « Son, I don't care if she's drunk. I don't even care if your the one who drugged her. You need a proof ON TAPE that she agreed. If you get booked for rape, I will not come to pick you up. » So I did it. Yeah it's ridiculous but you never know what could happen ! We're young and Johnson got a guitar so... If this happens, I need to be untouchable. So I became untouchable ; Underwood-style.
- Hey, um.. Caren, I shyly said, I really want you. I want you right now. - Oh really ? Because I kind of wanted to do Jeremy all night but if you're in I'm okay ! - Okay so could you just-- Wait, wait, wait what ? You wanna do Jeremy ? - Have you seen him, she asked, the voice full of lust. He's body is so full of muscles-- - Caren. Shut up, I roughly said. You don't know what you're talking about. Jeremy is dating your best friend. - Yeah but--
Without even listening to her mind full of alcohol, I took out my phone and put it on recording mode.
- Just repeat after me : « I want to have sex with Kyle Porter. » - I wanna have sex with... Jeremy Leon and Kyle Porter, she screamed with that painful voice of hers. -Meh.Close enough.
At that time, I had pretty much turned into Ron Jeremy. I just grabbed her by the waists and started the kissing. To be honest, I didn't even feel that excited about having sex with her. Don't get me wrong, she really was the most beautiful creature I'd ever saw but I just couldn't. We didn't have sex though, we fucked. No it's not classy but what she did right after I was done ain't classy either ! You see, I didn't have sex in 8 months so it was pretty cool but... God, Caren is such a s**t when she's drunk. While I was getting up after some good sex, ready for the kiss of goodbye, the b***h ran back and screamed.
- RAAAAAAPE ! HELP ME, KYLE PORTER RAPED ME ! MY GOD I'M SO FILTHY !
How dare you invoke the name of God in such a lie, you b***h. Sorry Sir. And luckily for me, I still had my precious recording to keep any misbehavior like this from remotely f**k me over. But anyway, Jimmy ran to stop her and as soon as she landed in his arms she started kissing the man like it would be her last. I know. She warned me. She openly said that she wanted both Jeremy and I. It just really hurts seeing a girl that just screamed your name kissing your best friend. But if only that was it. If Jimmy was here, Kate and Hailey couldn't be too far. And I guess I'd kind of expected Kate's reaction but Hailey surprised me here. Again. While Catherine was in tears thinking she'd just lost the two most important persons in her life, Hailey who then became my new best girl friend because I couldn't find Maddie anywhere, was laughing so hard. Like, at first I actually thought she was crying with all the tears but because she had such a contagious laugh, I couldn't do anything but to laugh with her. SO ! This was a long story. But my life is just ahead of me and apparently, the future looks pre-tty cool. So yeah, my name is Kyle Elroy Porter. I'm 21 years old and I am about to tell you the Great Story of my life. It's not the best life ever but it's definitely funny. Plus I'm pretty sure the worse is behind me. I mean, seriously, how bad can it get ? © 2015 Kiins
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