Afraid to be alone (not quite a story- more a biographical confession.)

Okay, this isn't a story but I need to have it written somewhere. I really want someone to see this post, not because of sympathy... Rather, I want people to know they are not alone if they face this.

I am afraid of being alone. Not because I fear nobody wants me around or that I fear I may do something I regret, no... But rather, I fear the silence.

In lonely silence, my mind becomes louder- at times unbearably so. In those 'silences' I become reflective. I remember all the bad things. Things I have said or done; words I regret saying or not saying. I remember the people I have lost- their final days. I remember contemplating suicide, causing myself harm or just... Running away. I remember that, while people see me as 'brave' - I am a coward.

When I am alone, I also remember times of heartbreak. Breakups I wish hadn't happened though they were out of my hands... I remember how I tricked myself into thinking that maybe, JUST MAYBE... Things could work.

I sit alone in my room and realise how horrible a person I am. I made my best friend cry. Made her doubt our friendship and question if she truly wanted to meet me or not. All for an opinion I could have kept to myself or expressed so much better... And I realise since then, we dont talk as often. I hurt her and I doubt she trusts me in the same way. I doubt she truly would again. I miss her... Too much.

I also reflect on my mother. I make note on all the things I do that are purely so I never fully accept she's gone. We weren't THAT close but now she is dead- I cant get enough of trying to be. I cant even visit her grave. Last time killed me. I didn't see her body either. Refused. How is that brave? How is it strong?

I mean, for goodness sake, I am supposed to be graduating in the next year. What I wouldn't give to have my mum see that. Will anyone else in my 'family' turn up?? No, probably a better chance of pigs flying and learning the queens English before that.

They hate me... Or at least the ones I live with. I wanted to end my own life this time last year because they just kept on and on, pushing and pushing. My step dad's wife is... Well, not nice. Psychotic. She is jealous that my stepdad still loves my mum. So she takes it out on me and my siblings... Mostly me because it ALWAYS is.

I dont even know what to do about all these thoughts. There's only so much moving forward can help and turning to drink or anything like that?? That gonna hurt me further. I think the best I can do is admit. I am not okay... But I can be. Just dont let me walk alone.

Author's Note

This is not a piece for reviewing as a typical piece of writing, however I am open to hear thoughts on my writing here. Its not placed for sympathy or anything- more to give something people can relate to. Enjoy.

Reviews

[Orange]

Hey...
You know if you know it why, then you would done alots of stuffs.
You did it only coz you don't know.
So why blaming yourself with the world's problems,the problems of yourself they not your own.
That's all. I don't mean blaming others either, but you know what I mean, either waste time to think why you did, why just forgive yourself

[Kirsty Hignett]

Easy enough to say- not as easy a thought process to act upon. I suffer with depression and this was written at a time where I was genuinely at my lowest. I was in pain and I felt like I was the common factor in all that was wrong. Not long after writing this I turned to self harm. I regret doing so- but I also weirdly don't at the same time. I regret thinking about ending my story early. I would stand at the top of a cliff and the only thing stopping me was the voices of my friends in the back of my mind telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't end it. If I hadn't have had that in my conscience, I wouldn't have come back from the edge.. and I've worked and keep working every day so that I never feel this way again. I didn't like how I felt at the time of writing this. I put it on here mainly for myself... so I wouldn't forget how far I've come since.

[Orange]

❤️...........