ONE

Check out my photos page for a picture of Elsie!!

    When you run away from a home, you never really contemplate how cruel the world will be. You don’t realize that what you’re running into can be, in some aspects, just as neglectful as what you’re running from. The outside can break you, the loneliness can destroy you. You come to understand after a few nights spent in a cold frenzy that no one is there to help you, care for you. You chose, the moment you stepped out the door with bag in hand, to fend for yourself; an animal in the jaws of the predator, the world.

     I, Elsie Douver, am one of the few who ran and never looked back. It’s hard, trust me, to leave the only life you’ve ever known, no matter how bad it appears. Truth is, it was still my home, my familiar. But it was wrong, I knew enough of that to keep me running in the opposite direction. And run I did.
     Two months now I’ve been on my own; at least, something close to that. Last time I looked at a calendar was a few weeks ago in a tiny smudged breakfast dinner. Out here the days just blur into a giant grey picture, as do the towns, roads, street names. Eventually you just disregard them all together, knowing none of them are significant. Not when you’re wandering, goalless.
     People blur too, which doesn’t bother me in the least. I don’t like people much, seeing as they’ve always got a mean side poking out a little too far.
     Growing up with mean folks can scratch you, make you see the mean more clearly, so you try harder to avoid it. Which, in most cases, means avoiding people.
     Sure, there are nice people here and there. Like that old lady who let me sleep on her couch one night. Gave me food and everything. She was kind; I was gone before she woke up. Snatched some jewelry from the bathroom before I left. I got a couple hundred bucks at a pawn shop for the things later, getting me a few meals and a new coat.
     I’m not proud of it, all the stealing I’ve done. Maybe I’m just as bad as all the people I try to avoid, but I’ve got to to live somehow right?
     That money got me plenty far, though before I knew it I was back to dining and ditching, pocket picking off dirty men. I’m sure the police have a long list of complaints orienting around me. No worries, I’m good at not getting caught; I’ve had plenty of practice. There was one incident thought when I was a bit too careless, resulting in a very dangerous situation for myself.
     I’d just stuffed some beef jerky into the oversized pockets of my sweatshirt. I of course had picked the cheapest looking gas station I could find, waited ‘till no one else was there, and checked occasionally to see if the cashier was looking. Everything was going according to plan, that is until I hastily walked out the door, right into the arms of one particularly ugly police officer. And to my luck, as my hands came out from my pockets to steady myself, I unintentionally dragged out the stolen goods along with them. It was then that the cashier decided to look up and proclaim that I had indeed not paid for the items.
     To this minute I’m thankful of how slow and out of shape that cop happened to be. Don’t get me wrong, it was not easy escaping him or the others, but I managed with only a few scrapes and bruises.
     The whole mishap forced me to skip a few towns over and dye my hair a rather boring shade of brown. I knew at that point the police would have pictures of me up across the entire county so I made that state a quick one.
     No matter though, that was awhile ago and I’ve since left that particular town far behind. And the brown faded from my hair after only a few washes in public bathroom sinks, leaving my natural red color to come out.
        Though I have changed in the past few months. Slim has gotten slimmer, thin has gotten thinner. Your weight drops an exceeding amount when you’re moving constantly; adding that with not much food gives you a very unhealthy person. I make do, of course, I’m still alive. Making a point to avoid mirrors so that the image of me with haunted eyes and shadowed skin, cracking lips and protruding collar bones doesn’t invade my mind completely. As I said in the beginning, walking out the door has its cost. You must pay to be free. 

Author's Note

Please review!! I'll make sure to return the favor ;)

Reviews

[Ryan Zeller]

"People blur too, which doesn’t bother me in the least. I don’t like people much, seeing as they’ve always got a mean side poking out a little too far."

I really like this line. One of the biggest challenges in developing a character is making them sound unique, like they've got their own style of thought and speech. This line accomplishes that.

"I’m not proud of it, all the stealing I’ve done. Maybe I’m just as bad as all the people I try to avoid, but I’ve got to to live somehow right?"

I think this is a very important line, because it introduces a possible theme for your story. I haven't read a lot of survival stories, but the one I do remember is Gary Paulson's "Hatchet" (which I read in elementary school). It was an entertaining book, but I don't think it had much substance or meaning beneath the survival aspect. Because Elsie isn't stuck out in the middle of a remote wilderness, her methods of survival involve choices that affect the people around her. I would really suggest that you explore this idea. Is it morally okay for Elsie to steal because it's a necessity for her survival? But is it really a necessity, considering she chose to run away from home? Was it necessary for her to run away from home? These are all interesting questions that you can explore over the course of your story.

I also liked the line about Elsie avoiding mirrors. Maybe that could represent the guilt she feels about having to steal.

I've browsed over a lot of writing on this website, but it's pretty rare to find a piece of prose that actually has some potential. I'd love to keep reading and commenting on this if you keep writing!

[Kohleen]

thank you so much for the constructive review! Just reading it made more ideas for Elsie and the story to pop into my head and now I can't wait to keep writing haha.

[Ryan Zeller]

No problem, I'm happy to help. I was just re-reading though, and wanted to comment on this part:read moreNo problem, I'm happy to help. I was just re-reading though, and wanted to comment on this part:

"I quite like my wavy hair, the auburn hue contrasting with all the average blonds and browns. Plus, with my odd grey and green speckled eyes, high cheek bones, and slim body, I ain’t half bad looking."

I'd suggest just removing that section entirely. It sounds unnatural for a main character to describe herself so specifically. I've also noticed that one mistake a lot of story writers make is putting too much importance on character appearance, rather than character development. In the end, readers won't remember Elsie because of her unique eyes or high cheekbones. Appearance should only be mentioned when it is necessary, not just to make a character seem more interesting or attractive. Their personality and development should accomplish that on their own.

[Kohleen]

That makes totall sense and i think ima do that :)

[Chris]

Good character development without a history lesson - and so far I still want to turn the page. And it's not a morality play either.

[Kena]

I can tell this is going to be one of my favorites on here. I really enjoyed your writing, I hope you continue with this story. :)