Histrionic personality disorder

I suffer from it daily, so I decided to write a poem about it

I’m in pain

I’m definitely not happy, you could say that I’m close to being unhappy

My body is not sick though, no wait, I think my body isn’t well either

For a while now I’ve been woken up not by my alarm but by excessive nightmares and drugs

I’m already taking enough as it is

All kinds of stimulants and in order to put those to sleep:

Zolpidem & Xanax, is it common case?

I don’t know myself either, I’m easily unnerved

I have mood swings and a defensive attitude

Without pills I can’t sleep and I suffer from discontent and anxiety

That pressure calls for all kinds of means, I try to make an effort

and stop taking everything for a while but withdrawal symptoms appear right away and it ends without much effect

 I vent my distress on my surroundings

The situation drives me to the edge

I overdo things, striving for perfection I torture myself and my family

Hell yeah, but what is more frightening

is burying my thoughts in the casket of pleasing others

Maybe I got stronger

Maybe I got indifferent

I used to cry only once or twice a year

But now tears are coming

On this hidden path

Sometimes, the misfortune called depression

Blocks me with a net called laziness

For a long time, I wanna be with those

Who don’t give me a score

Among all the countless ratings

So I can go through the door of a lonely day

So I can live completely as myself

Sometimes, it feels so empty

I wonder why I live

Where am I going?

I’m wearing a pretty decent mask

I’m using a fake name that I’m used to now

I wonder if it’s really me though

Trauma arising

From my doubts

What is the reason I’m alive?

Like a mudfish, some parts

Unfortunately make me miserable

I just wanna sing

Or else I’ll be more trapped in my trauma

My mind

Has become impoverished

Deeper and deeper

I can’t even find myself

Where is the end to this trauma?

I don’t even know, I need a hand to hold

Reviews

[sette]

at least there is the acceptance that you are struggling with an illness and the courage to be healed

[Coyote Poetry]

Hard to find peace when life teaches us chaos and confusion. I felt the struggle and the need to know peace. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you very much!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[barleygirl]

I clicked on this to read it becuz of the word “histrionics” – back in my younger days, this word was used to describe people who are overly dramatic, in a funny way. So when I started reading your message, I thought you were trying to be funny, as far as writing a spoof about an imaginary mental disorder. Then I looked up to read the small print below the title & I realized you were writing about something you experience every day! I was surprised becuz of the way you write this, you sound so detached, like you are describing someone else, not yourself. Many people on this website describe various mental issues that they are facing, but I’ve never read anything as detailed & interesting as this. This line is a brilliant piece of word crafting: “burying my thoughts in the casket of pleasing others” – I’ve done this so much of my life! Well I don’t know whether to feel sorry for you or be proud of you for describing your issues in such an honest & even-handed way. Good job informing people of how something like this can be for you (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you vert much! I didn't know the other meaning of the word lol

I am pleased you liked it a lot!

[The Anathematic Error]

I see a heart pouring out its soul in the form of words. Your writing is the printing press, your soul is the ink. Well thought out how to reveal yourself. I sincerely wish the best of luck to you and someone to help you along this weary path.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thanks! I am glad you posted your review and liked it

[¿]

The total depression is burst out here....any mental trauma of any person shouldn't be ignored ever as he/she also makes a part in our life anyway.....the medicines cures a depressed person only few percent and a helping hand does the rest....
Great read Ji Suk😊

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you very much! I am glad you enjoyed it!