Meeting your Mother

I met my neighbor's mother yesterday. It was quite an experience.

I met your mother yesterday

I was on my way out the door

standing on the front porch,

about to walk down the street for some Chinese

when confronted by this woman who comes barreling

down our walk way, she looked Scottish

or like a Scotch drinker, (your pick)

she had wild red hair and stubby stance,

a cigarette front and center of her mouth

and her hands and arms full to length of groceries.

 

As she was obviously an older woman,

I offered help and as if to answer,

she puffed in,

And puffed in ,

And Puffed In

AND PUFFED IN this cigarette with great force,

and with the same amount of effort she SPAT it  out,

the cigarette flying onto my front lawn like a dart,

stating,  "No thanks, I just needed to get that outta my face!" 

 

Then she plowed up the stairs to your apartment,

disappearing from sight. 

 

Reviews

[Alessander]

I like how you don't leave it as "she looked like a Scottish woman" and continue giviing the reader a vivid description of her. Now I'm scared of Scottish women! lol This reads like a good character description in a novel, and I like how it really doesn't have an obvious point, but simply acts like a potrait for the art goer to ponder.

The ending "Apples/Trees, man" seems like an inside reference that detracts from the poem, imo. I'm almost tempted to suggest you end it after she speaks, almost.

[Marie Anzalone]

I love how we don't know or even care WHOSE mother this is; how the woman herself becomes the epicenter of the day. Your brief sketch takes on life and becomes something greater than itself in this. My regards on a wonderfully executed description of a chance meeting; the kind most of miss when they happen.

[Bran the Broken]

Intriguing imagery and only hints of opinion.

[cartera]

You've met my Mammy. (That is what the family called her).
As a Scottish man married to a Scottish woman, I am delighted that my wife does not smoke. I can step out and see lots of older Scotswomen such as you describe. The moment of meeting and your puzzlement at this behaviour is well done. The contradiction of the butt spat on the lawn and the 'Thank you' is pefect. You write very well.
ATB
Alex.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Sounds like an interesting lady. This has a perfect "feel" to it, a realism echoed in lines that really makes the reader one with the piece. Brilliant work, really. Loved the read!

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

She sounds like a character! This poem is so real life i can see her huffing and puffing that cigarette. All the puffing and puffing is very effective. As for me I like the (your pick)... she may be both!
This is one enjoyable poem !

[Scott A. Williams]

See now, here's this: "she looked Scottish / or like a Scotch drinker, (your pick)" line that seems like something I might put in a piece, and then someone would say "I don't like that in there, take it out, it disrupts the flow" or whatever. Which probably explains why I like it.

Nobody else on this site (that I've encountered) writes like you, and that's a damn shame. I'd drop "disappearing from sight" because it makes me want to know what happens next, when I don't want to know what happens next, I just want her to plow up the stairs. Beyond that, great, great character sketch. A+

[TL Boehm]

one Kudo for great descriptive, narrative writing which I totally expect from you - I always get a a "story" when I read you and I see in a way different than the often prefunctory way my eyes work.
and FIVE kudos for getting a cuss word out of Emily Burns!
peace.

[Christopher Todd Dallas]

Great circular story.
Some critical punctuation, or use of line breaks makes it easier to scan and adds
both euphony and syllable stress. There are at least 4 misplaced or unnecessary
modifiers.
Consider this minimal approach, discarding and avoiding the inferred/objective pronouns.

The following is an example of a different approach/style/method.
And, leave the italics, font size and bold face in those really work well.

#

I met your mother yesterday
on my way out the door
standing on the porch

I was leaving for Pablo's Authentic Mandarin Quisine
(Mandeep Kaur treats me well there)and,
there came a woman
came barreling
vertically rolling
down the walkway

she looked Scottish
more like scotch
drinker, (your pick)

red nose, and
matching flushed cheeks

she was freckled and ginger
built like a cube
following her cigarette, that was
held in place by
oxygenstarved and parted teeth
a pallet groceries, and
forklift arms

she was "matured" so
I offered help

her response was;
she puffed in,
and puffed in ,
and Puffed In
AND PUFFED IN this cigarette
held between those
oxygenstarved, and
parted teeth, that
may have whistled
if she had the breath
THEN SPAT out
and onto
my lawn
and with,
"No thanks, I just needed to get that outta my face!" Then
she plowed up the stairs
to your apartment, and
disappeared
and steared
from sight.

[D.R. Wilsey Jr.]

I love meeting older folk like this. Tough as nails and stubborn to accept help. Love this.

[Emily B]

aw, s**t there for a minute I thought you met MY mother . . . the only difference between her and a rattlesnake is the snake is kind enough to give you warning before it strikes :)