The Hidden Ring: First Chapter

The Hidden Ring: First Chapter

A Story by Chain of Hearts

Who is he?


Chapter 1

      I almost screamed as I watched the hidden door slowly slide open. The bricks on the wall rearranged themselves to make a passageway as I stood gaping at the scene that unraveled before me.

I stared into the darkness that lay ahead, with growing intensity.

My body shifted as I turned around and looked behind me, with the slightest hope that someone would be there to comfort me, and tell me that everything was okay. Someone like Mother perhaps.

But there was no one.

I looked around me and saw the fireplace, shelves full of dusty, old books, and a heavy rug that was strewn across the floor.

There was no source of light in here, only the single flame that flickered on my candle that I held shakily.

Suddenly a high pitched scream echoed into my ears.

A voice immediately growled, "No sudden moves."

My eyes started to feel like they would fall out of their sockets as I cautiously looked around me.

Who had just spoken? What was going on?!

"Hello? Is anyone there?" I whispered, frightened.

Suddenly my candle blew out. A shuffle of feet was heard across the room, and I attempted to slowly walk towards the door.

But a pair of vice-like hands grabbed my flailing body, and covered my mouth.

"I thought you would have been smarter than that." A hoarse voice said.

"Please! Hmm, hm, hm!" I mumbled as I tried to plead for mercy.

The large mahogany door suddenly burst open, and two unearthly creatures barged in.

The beings looked like a Chameleon mixed with a dragon- It's cruel complexion blended perfectly with its large, spiked wings.

They both stared at me with horrifying eyes that made me immediately look away.

The two creatures both stood to one side and bowed deeply.

Someone walked into the room with piercing eyes that acknowledged the bows of all the unearthly beings.

And there he was.

'It couldn't be!' I thought to myself, shaking more violent per second.

He turned his head and stared straight into my eyes.

And then I realized.

I would be better off dead.

© 2015 Chain of Hearts

Author's Note

Chain of Hearts
The first chapter of another book I'm writing...Oops maybe I should stop multitasking! Well, when a great story comes to my mind I can't help but write it all down :)

What do you think?
*For each review you give me, I'll give you one back* :)

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what a way to end a chapter! i just love the way how you keep building the suspense..i can't wait to read the rest :D

Posted 6 Years Ago

interesting chapter,getting more intence

Posted 6 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I really like the way the tension is built up in this chapter. To increase this even further I suggest you provide a balance of longer and truncated (or shorter) sentences. The short sentences lose their effect if there are too many of them so you need to provide a contrast to make them more effective, and ditch the adverbs: let the scene do the work in order to build the atmosphere. You don't need to say "unearthly creatures" - just the description of the creatures is enough. Show more and write less if that makes sense. But the story itself is definitely intriguing - keep going I say!

Posted 6 Years Ago

Chain of Hearts

6 Years Ago

Yes, thank you so much for your review. I do understand your points- I'll make sure to fix those lit.. read more

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4 Reviews
Added on February 27, 2015
Last Updated on February 27, 2015


Chain of Hearts
Chain of Hearts

Alberta, Canada

Hey pals! So welcome to my page, I hope you take an interest in my writing- I will definitely look into yours. -------------------------------------------------------------------- TAKE NOTE: Pl.. more..