Chapter One: Student Election

Elaine just had been elected president of Lakeshore High. However, she had to deal with drama of confronting Lydia, the child her father had with another woman.

Everyone thinks my life is perfect. Well in a way, I guess it is? I mean I have good friends, excellent grades, and every teacher at my school loves me. However, I wish my life can be as simple as it seems. In reality, it’s not. My family is slowly crumbling apart because of my father’s secret affair with this untrustworthy woman. It does not help that my father has another child with this lady. I’ve known about his affair for quite a while actually. At first, I didn’t want to admit it. Unfortunately, the truth is the truth. There is nothing I can do to change that. My father is aware that I know his dirty little secret. So, he constantly tells me not to tell my mother. I want to tell her so badly, but it would just break her heart. I really don’t know what to do...

“And the next school president is Elaine Hudson!” called out Mr. Blackwood, our school principal.

Everyone got up to their feet and excitedly clapped their hands...everyone but me. I was too busy self reflecting on my complicated life. Then, my best friend, Rebecca, shook me back and forth in my seat.

“Elaine!” she shouted. “You won! How can you not be as excited as everyone is right now?”

I immediately snapped to my senses. “Oh, I won?”

“Yes you did, now go to the stage.”

                As I was making my way up the stage, it finally hit me; I was going to be president of Lakeshore High. That meant everyone would be solely relying on me for the school’s future. At that moment, it was just an adrenalin rush of joy and nervousness. I never felt so proud of myself in my life.

My fingers trembled as I grabbed the microphone from Mr. Blackwood. “Thank you everyone for supporting me. I couldn’t have made it without you guys. You guys are truly the best and I guarantee you that Lakeshore High will be the best school ever next year!”

Everyone began to scream and clap vigorously after I said that part. After the crowd died down, I began to speak again.

“Before we head out the school doors and start out summers,” I began,” I want to appoint my vice- president. My vice-president will assist me in making the best decisions and alternatives for this school. Nevertheless, the person whom I’m going to appoint has helped me with my life and I think she can do the same for this school. Rebecca Robertson, can you please come up to the stage?”

                The crowd started to cheer in a frenzy as Rebecca made her way down to the stage. She rushed up to me and hugged me so tightly, to the point I couldn’t breathe anymore. I didn’t care that we were infront of the whole school. Rebecca was my best friend and she totally deserved this position. With a smile, I hugged her back.

Mr. Blackwood grabbed the microphone out of my hand. “Okay ladies, enough of the heart-warming moment. Ms. Hudson, as the new president, would you do the honours of dismissing everyone?”

I smiled. “Of course.”

He handed me the microphone and I took it from him.

“School’s done!” I yelled. “Have a fantastic summer everyone! We hope to see you all next year!”

Everyone instantly rushed out the doors, knocking almost every single chair down. However, I think Mr. Blackwood did not mind their reaction. Everyone needed a break from all this school madness, including him.

As newcomers to the student council, Rebecca and I had to help in cleaning up the mess the school had made. I didn’t really mind too much though; I was just too overwhelmed with everything.

After everything was tidied up, it was our turn to start our summers. Of course, our reactions of exiting the school  were much calmer than the rest of the people.

“I can’t believe it!” yelled Rebecca, excitedly flailing her arms in the air. “Our grade 11 year will be awesome, with you and me running this school. With our personal touch, Lakeshore will totally be the best school ever. I already have so many ideas in my head. Okay first of all, we need to change the lunch menu. I don’t think anyone is enjoying that pasta they have been serving for years! Secondly...”

I giggled. “How about we take it one step at a time? Slow and steady is good.”

Rebecca turned around and flicked her long blonde hair, as she sparkled her sky blue eyes at me. “Of course Elaine. Whatever you say.”

                I forced myself to smile at her. When her back was completely facing me, my face went back to normal. How did I end up friends with such a beautiful and popular girl? I walked faster so I could be beside her. Then, I realized how much she towered over me; I’m only 5ft and she’s 5’4”. It didn’t help when she used my head as an arm rest.

“You know Elaine,” she began,” I think you grew a bit.”

My eyes lit up. “Really?”

“I think so, but you’ll never be as tall as me.”

“Hey, I can dream.”

Rebecca slyly grinned. “Oh please! I’m still considered short by some people. You’re just a shortie for life.”

I rolled my eyes and abruptly took her arm off of my head. “Do you think Lydia is okay?”

               

             Lydia is my half sister, or the child my father had with his mistress. She was running against me as president and trust me, when my dad found out we were both running for the same position, he was not too happy. In fact, he asked me to drop out so Lydia could finally win at something. When he said that, it really made me angry. I mean, I wanted this position ever since I was a freshman. What made me even angrier was he was supporting Lydia instead of me. It almost seemed like he cared about Lydia a whole lot more than me.

Rebecca finally took me seriously. “I don’t really know. I know she was trying as hard as you to be president. However, we all knew that you would obviously win. Lydia is too... I don’t know. She’s just not the leader type.”

“My dad isn’t going to be too happy after he finds out that I won the election.”

Rebecca shot a shocked look at me. “Why not? I mean any parent would be happy to hear that their child is the head of the whole student body. Is there something wrong with him?”

“For some reason, he wanted Lydia to win instead of me. I know that just sounds crazy but...”

Rebecca rested her hand on my shoulder. “There has to be a logical explanation for that Elaine.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

Just then, my cell phone rang. I took it out of my pocket and to my dismay, it was my dad.

I took a deep breath and answered it. “Hello?”

“Can you go to Lydia’s place?” he asked me.

Rebecca noticed the funny look I was making to his favour.

“For what?” I asked, in an astonished tone.

“I need you to pick up something from there,” he said. “I can’t do it myself because there are too many patients in the hospital that I need to deal with.”

I sighed to myself. “Okay fine. Anything for you dad.”

“Thank you. I know I can count on you.”

“Oh wait, I can’t! Rebecca is with me.”I could already picture my dad’s slight disappointment when I said that.

“Oh that’s all right I guess...” he said, with a sad sigh.

I slapped my forehead. “Okay, whatever dad. I’ll just get whatever you need to get from there.”

“Thank you Elaine. Bye!” And he hung up the phone.

“What does your dad want?” asked Rebecca as I put my phone back into my pocket.

“I need to pass by Lydia’s place,” I firmly told her. “You have to walk home by yourself.”

I began to head towards the path of Lydia’s house, but Rebecca suddenly grasped my wrist.

“Calm down Elaine!” she shouted. “I don’t think going there is good for you.”

I turned to face Rebecca so we were eye to eye. “I need to do this Reb. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’m not going to break down in tears over there. That’s just silly if I do.”

“What if your dad just so happens to be there and you see Lydia’s mom and your dad making smoochy faces on the couch? Then what are you going to do? Or what if you get asked about the student election? What’s your answer going to be then?”

I avoided her fixed eyes. “I don’t really know. Like I said before, I’ll be fine.”

Rebecca placed her hands on her hips. “Okay Elaine. I have no control over you.”

After that heated conversation, we both parted in opposite directions. Heading towards Lydia’s place brought back fond memories of when Lydia and I were still very young. Lydia and I used to be very close when we were kids. When I was small, my dad used to sneak me over to Lydia’s place so Lydia and I could play together. That was, of course, when I was clueless of his affair and how Lydia and I were related. As an excuse, he said that Lydia was my distant cousin. I believed that for a while...until I matured and learned more about reality and the world today. I could not believe what my dad did to everyone as soon as I found out. Most of all, to me! My whole life growing up, I believed in some lie. I could never forgive my father for that and the majority of my respect for him simply vanished.

As I was reaching for the doorbell, reality was weighing down on my shoulders. I was now standing on the porch of the family I once loved but now hated. I wiped away my rather heated face and put on my sucker face.

The door creaked open.

“Oh my gosh Elaine,” said Lydia’s mom. “It’s you. I haven’t seen you in five years!”

She rushed up to hug me and I felt like I just wanted to break down right there.

“I know,” I said with a fake smile. “It’s been too long.”

“Come inside,” she said. “We’re cooking spaghetti for dinner. Is that still your favourite dish? I remember you used to gobble it up in one bite.”

I chuckled. “Oh you still remember? And that’s okay. I’m only here to pick something up that my dad told me to.”

Lydia’s mom thought to herself. “He has something here? Oh yes, his shirt! Hold on, let me go get it. In the mean time, Lydia can keep you company.”

I did not even want to know why his shirt was at their place and I was in no state at all to see Lydia. “No that’s-“

It was too late. “Lydia!” she called. “Elaine is down here.”

                Before I knew it, Lydia appeared before my eyes. I tried not to believe that it was Lydia but how could I not. Her dark brown hair, hazel eyes, round face, and short stature. It was totally her and her features obviously proved that she was my dad’s child. She was basically an exact carbon copy of my dad but the only difference was that she was a girl.

“How’s it going Elaine?” she asked me casually.

“Everything’s good,” I answered.

“Congratulations on the election. You totally deserve it.”

“Thanks.”

For a moment, it was dead silent. Seeing each other just became awkward for us. I did not know what to say to her because anything I say to her might get back to my dad. Then my dad will lecture me on how I’m trying to make Lydia feel bad when really, I wasn’t trying to at all.

“Are you seeing anybody?” she asked, cutting off the silence.

I came to my senses. “Pardon me?”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think I have time to see anybody. Besides, I’m not desperate. Why? Do you?”

She sighed so deeply, as if she could be swept off her feet. “Yeah. He is so amazing. I mean I can talk to him about everything and he just makes me laugh all the time.”

Just then, Lydia’s mom came down.

“Here is his shirt,” she said, handing it to me. “I hope I took good care of it for him.”

“It’s perfect,” I said. “Thanks for everything. I have to go now. See you both.”

Without waiting for them to say their goodbyes, I just fled from the doorstep and heard the door slam behind my back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Mary Evans]

Ok here’s how I usually roll, first I state all the little nitpicks I find, then my opinion on the writing as a whole + a conclusion. If it’s a bit long, it doesn’t mean your writing is bad. If it was, trust me I would tell you in the most tactless and impolite way I could (I’m pretty blunt.) I just like to note all the little details and state the general rules in my first review so both of us can be done with them once and for all. So here it goes:

I usually advice against chunks of expositions in the very beginning, here though it might work, I’d just shorten the father issue a bit. For example put together “I’ve known about his affair for quite a while actually. At first, I didn’t want to admit it.” And shorten the rest by hinting not stating. Like “I’ve known of his secret family for a long time but never wished to admit it blah, blah etc.” But don’t misunderstand me, I’m not telling you to write it this way, just that there’s a chance to shorten it and avoid annoying the reader through too much action-less exposition. (Also the last part is useless shown like that; better present us her pain and hesitation through dialogue/action)

“clapped their hands” try not to say obvious things, if they clap its obviously their hands.

Your dialogue…. Is a bit clumsy. The thing I always advice is read it out loud, see if it can actually be said in normal speech without breaking your tongue.

“I began to speak again ……….. I began,” repetition.

Also every time a character is speaking it should be a new paragraph. (Although that issue might be due to the screwed up format)

“as she sparkled her sky blue eyes at me” how… exactly do you sparkle your eyes. I find the grammatical case not quite suitable here.

“I forced myself to smile at her” same thing about the obvious things I mention with the clapping. If there’s no one else around and she is not smiling at the wall it’s not really necessary to point out who she was smiling at.

“Then, I realized how much she towered over me; I’m only 5ft and she’s 5’4” don’t mix tenses in the same sentence. (I mean past + present). Also if your narrative is in past tense try to make ALL of it in past tense, use present only if you absolutely have to. (referring to: “Lydia is my half sister”) (Random note: Lol in my first writings my antagonist was always named Lydia XD)

“Rebecca slyly grinned” –> grinned slyly, structure. Usually adverbs go behind the verb.

Try not to have too much exposition, show us the events rather than just stating them. (if stating them takes longer than 4-5 lines I mean)

“I shrugged my shoulders.” Stating the obvious alarm.

“I firmly told her.” Adverb behind the verb. -> “I told her firmly.”

““Calm down Elaine!” she shouted.” Wha… Why-- Did I miss something, where did the sudden drama come from? (I suggest substituting “calm down” with “hold on” or something and removing the dramatic shout.)

“I turned to face Rebecca so we were eye to eye.” Stating the obvious alarm.

“placed her hands on her hips” you can probably drop the first “her”

“Lydia’s place brought back fond memories of when Lydia” now you need a “she” the second time you mention her.

“Lydia and I”-> let me make it easier for you “We”

You point out 3+ times that they were small, don’t do that, once is enough.

“until I matured” Not the best wording you could choose. Just get rid of matured and your sentence is perfect.

And you are starting to repeat your beginning in your descriptions of her feelings.

“I once loved but now hated.” Stating the obvious alarm?

“said Lydia’s mom” it’s nice to inverse it once in a while, but don’t overuse it.

From the little psychology I’ve studied I got the impression that if a woman was “dating” a guy, all other women in his life become a threat and she thus dislikes or simply avoids them. But I might be completely wrong inserting the jealousy theory here.

Is it a coincidence she is making spaghetti or did she knew Elaine was coming? If it was a coincidence, get rid of it. Coincidences are in general bad for your story, they turn it into a cliché soap opera.

“Lydia’s mom thought to herself.” She thought what? Usually when you state it like this it’s expected to say what she was thinking (or guess, in a first person narrative.)

Something I learned recently: don’t describe a person in a chunk of text; integrate it in the narrative bits by bits. I didn’t really see that problem here though, just when you presented Lydia.

You should tweak the font and format a bit, in word it may seem great but the site script tends to screw it up if left as it is. There are plenty cool options to fix that in the editor though, so don’t worry.

Your story is so far well structure, your base is stable and details and notes very well done, however your style is still pretty raw. Usually it improves with writing but I’d suggest you do a bit reading of classic English literature as well (in English naturally.) It helps you improve much faster than you would with simply experience in writing. Jane Austin and Emily Bronte are two of my favourite writers when it comes to style. (If you wish for something more recent I’d suggest Rick Riordan, he’s not the best of the best but his style flows really well and his writing is always action packed and engaging – Percy Jackson and the Olympians, you’ve probably heard of it but let me assure you the books are nothing like that horrendous movie they made.) There are many other good writers I can suggest but these I find to be the best for a starter or just lover of writing/reading.

Anyways, overall very nice, strong beginning, keep up the good work.

[MzWrite]

Good start, Lilibeth. I hope that you will continue to write.