Prologue

"See you tomorrow, Jules!" Margaret called from the storage room as Julia Preston closed the store's cash register for the final time that day.

 

"Don't work too late." Jules replied, peeping her head around the corner. Margaret was perched in the middle of a pile of price tags and hangers, her hands combing through the bottomless pit. "Are you sure that you don't want me to stay and help you with that?"

 

"No, no," She shook her head and waved off Jules' offer. "I will not be the cause of you missing your date with Stephan."

 

"It's fine, really. He won't mind."

 

Margaret lifted her head, brushed a tiny strand of blonde hair behind her ear, and pointed towards the door. "Go."

 

It being no use to argue with her any farther, Jules sighed and waved goodbye before heading out to the parking lot. The soles of her tennis shoes squeaked against the damp pavement as she meandered over to the trunk of her SUV and opened up the hatch. She eyed the contents, double-checking to make sure that everything was there for tonight: flowers, CDs, food. Something was missing, though.

 

"D****t," She mumbled under her breath, covering her mouth in frustration and stupidity. "D****t, d****t, d****t."

 

Those stupid comic books, she thought.

 

Hastily pulling out her keys, Jules unlocked the door and got inside. Her hands trembled as she shoved the key into the ignition and pulled out onto the street. Her eyes darted to the clock on the stereo and nervously read the time: 5:13. Annoyed, her foot pushed the gas pedal closer to the floor as she entered the ramp to the highway. She knew that she only had seventeen minutes to get to the comic book store and pick up Stephan's gift for tonight before they would be closed. Normally, she wouldn't have thought twice about putting the task off for tomorrow, but today was different, more important.

 

The highway was becoming  slippery as the rain picked up. Jules cranked the windshield wipers up to high and squinted as she drove faster towards the city. fingers drumming against the steering wheel before moving to turn up the volume of the radio to help pass the time, but in the end, all that did was make her more anxious.

 

"Idiot." She muttered as a car sped up beside her and darted into her lane, making her foot slam on the brakes. Swear words slipped from her mouth, and she watched as the car wove in the lane in front of her, moving from the right of the lane to the left. "Come on, move."

 

The car picked up speed, but continued to swerve in between the lines of the lane. Jules pushed the pedal down, inching closer to the bumper of the car in hopes that it would clue in whoever was driving to go faster.

 

Rain continued to pour from the sky, making it hard for Jules to see a couple of cars in front of her. Her eyes strained to find the exit that she needed to get off at, reading the signs as they were bolted on the sides of the overpasses. She spotted one up ahead and leaned forward to try and read it, taking her eyes off the road.

 

It all happened very fast.

 

The airbags deployed, throwing Jules back against the seat. The impact left her head spinning, but it was only a matter of seconds before the next collision--this time to the side of the car--snapped her neck sideways. Glass shattered from the windshield and rear windows, cutting into her skin like daggers, leaving open scrapes and holes. Blood seeped out from those wounds, trickling down her skin, staining her clothes and the interior of the car. The harshness of the crunching of metal was slipping from Jules' mind just like her own consciousness. The car hurtled sideways, and her eyes fluttered, crossing slightly before closing completely. It skidded across the lane before falling into the ditch across the road.

 

Slumped against the seat, half turned on her side, the only thing she could hear was the plunking of raindrops against the door.

Author's Note

-All wishes are in the beginning of the book :)

Reviews

[J. K. Beach]

Very engaging, Katelyn... Like many reviewers I was drawn into your story and had to read all the available chapters. I'll get to the others as soon as I can, but this prologue is an excellent start. You do have a knack for believable action and dialogue, especially in this first section where it's obvious you have polished it more. (My beginnings are usually loved to pieces as well, can't be helped.)

Your grammar here is generally in good shape. There are some stilted phrases here and there, such as:

"It being no use to argue with her any farther, Jules sighed and waved goodbye before heading out to the parking lot."

"There was no use in arguing with her, Jules thought, so she sighed, waved goodbye, and headed out to the parking lot." might work as well. Just check for flow, especially in the dialogue.

All in all, I'm just finding little nit-picky things. You have a made solid start! Keep it coming...

[Katelyn]

Thank you very much :) Let me know if you want me to read/comment on any of your works as well!

[CapnKujo]

Wow, that was very good! I liked how you described everything rather than telling it (something I'm not overly good at) and the way that you described her feelings and thoughts as she moved.

[Katelyn]

Thank you! Let me know if you want any of your works reviewed :)

[CapnKujo]

Will do and Not a problem at all :)

[Casper Cross]

I really, really, really like this. You have a natural talent, you really do. Your word pictures are very vivid and you are really developing your characters well.

Here is where I think I can help you...
Take a look at this paragraph:

"Idiot." She muttered as a car sped up beside her and darted into her lane, making her foot slam on the brakes. Swear words slipped from her mouth, and she watched as the car wove in the lane in front of her, moving from the right of the lane to the left. "Come on, move."

You want to try and avoid using the same word repetitively... You use the word "her" five times in one paragraph. Try rewriting this and using a more creative way to express the action here.

That is one on only a couple of flaws that I saw and that is nitpicking...
Your tone and voice is excellent. Please keep writing. You definitely have a talent and you should develop it

[wordman]

this will be a great book I really pulls you in o read the whole thing

[Mikayla_Stagg]

It sounds very good so far, it gets the readers attention.

[Jack Wolfe]

Prolounge- (prologue)

farther- (further)

'before heading out to the parking lot.' this is not needed—omit needless words when able.

Hastily pulling out her keys, Jules unlocked the door and got inside. Her hands trembled as she shoved the key into the ignition and pulled out onto the street. Her eyes darted to the clock on the stereo and nervously read the time: 5:13. (Annoyed), her foot pushed the gas pedal closer to the floor as she entered the ramp to the highway. (She pushed the gas pedal to the floor) She knew that she only had seventeen minutes to get to the comic book store and pick up Stephan's gift for tonight (the reader knows the dates tonight) before they would be closed (seventeen minutes tells us the store's going to close). Normally, she wouldn't have thought twice about putting the task off for tomorrow, but today was different, more important. (reformat to avoid the adverb, also the only part of the line that's needed is convey the night is important, the rest is filler)

Try and avoid Adverbs, especial(ly) ones . . . and try reformatting your sentences, so your subject comes first, e.g . . . 'Jules'' pulled out her keys, unlocked the door, and got inside.

Again sentence structure . . .

fingers drumming against the steering wheel (whose?) (we know its Jules, however, if this sentence is not conjectured with the previous, its a run-on.) before moving to turn up the volume of the radio to help pass the time, but in the end, all that did was make her more anxious.

Rain continued to pour from the 'sky': this sentences need to be reworked, rain poured from the sky, (where else would it pour from?)

The airbags deployed, throwing Jules back against the seat. The impact left her head spinning, but it was only a matter of seconds before the next collision--this time to the side of the car--snapped her neck sideways. Glass shattered from the windshield and rear windows, cutting into her skin like daggers, leaving open scrapes and holes. Blood seeped out from those wounds, trickling down her skin, staining her clothes and the interior of the car. The harshness of the crunching of metal was slipping from Jules' mind just like her own consciousness. The car hurtled sideways, and her eyes fluttered, crossing slightly before closing completely. It skidded across the lane before falling into the ditch across the road.


Very good descriptions, but it could be fleshed out, try and avoid telling me the events and showing them to me (the reader).

I'm think this was good, your prose could use some tightening, and a bit of strengthening to your writing style, but you seem to have a better grasp then some. Grammatical errors are not the issue, its that you compress the action and the story . . . I understand this is a prologue, so not a lot of exposition needs to go in this, but you can enhance it by giving me a reason to gasp, when Jules car is smashed, and allowing me to see 'and' feel the impact through her eyes. You're on the right track, and if I can I'll look over the next chapter or two tonight.

I hope this helps.

[spitballing]

This is likely just personal preference, but I find it's good to not state a characters name right off the bat, but instead have their name dropped in conversation, OR if it takes to long to get to a drop like that to have a paragraph written meant to introduce the character. Their name, what they look like, ect.

That being said, that's the only thing I can think of for fixing this up. Otherwise it's great! The car crash comes out of nowhere, making it just like it would be in real life and gives the story some freshness and gets the reader off guard. Nicely done.

[DanCuster]

Wow, that car crash was unexpected. Great stuff so far.