PLAY FOR ME

 

I close my eyes
to absorb your whispers
that massage me gently
like a new found lyric
over, and over again
I take you inside
and out

of me
like a new way of breathing
you give me a life worthy of being
I am filled with riches
having no wants
because your love on me
anticipates my needs
silently. I wait to hear
you not only play
your music for me
but bestow your
presence in me
wrapping my soul
in a permanent
afterglow.

Reviews

[kollaboratyve]

Oh my my my!!!!!!!!! this is so good it really is tasteful. It put me in a daze for a minute. I did not know what emotion I was feeling. I tried to resist the lure, but as I read, I got hooked. This is really lovely. If you do not mind, I would like to highly consider featuring this on the Poets Consortium. I would love to examine this with the imput of the other members. This is really nice and graceful. You pulled out the heavy artillery on this one! Great piece,lovely!!!!

[Ocean Orchid]

I close my eyes
to absorb your whispers
that massage me gently
like a new found lyric
over, and over again

-- great start ..... great piece ...

[THE LOST ROSE]

Wow that sexy! You have romance spilling out of your ears. Who is the lucky fella? Please write more...more...more. Thanks for sharing your soul and heart with the readers.

[Bill Grimes Jr.]

"like a new way of breathing"

So sensual and lovely.........you write beautifully my friend.........Well done indeed. I have met very few poets who are not Romantics..........such is our calling...... I look forward to reading more.

Peace,

Bill :-)

[Ankhesen Mié]

Romantic, much? LOL-emotionally honest, which young people usually aren't anymore (everyone's trying to be a game player). But you, you really express how much you want this person and you don't hold back. It's quite beautiful.

[Mandie Malice]

I wait to hear
you not only play
your music for me
but bestow your
presence in me
wrapping my soul
in a permanent
afterglow.


I like this bit best. I also think that the metaphor of music and sex is very sound and done tastefully, rather than tackily. As far as mechanics go, I would wonder why there's only one bit of punctuation. Is that purposeful? I like how the line breaks themselves help add to the rhythm of the piece, but a comma or semicolon or period here or there might help too.

Instead of "tune", I might suggest "lyric" as it lends itself more to the idea of "whispers" and is an easier image to fix the imagination on.

For some reason, the phrase "life worth seeing" doesn't work for me. I guess I think that you could use a better, more descriptive word than just plain ol' "seeing". But I'm a proponent more of "show" rather than "tell" in poetry. I also don't know about "love on me". "In" might make better use of the sexual metaphor, or perhaps "of". But "on" seems sort of wrong for the job.

This piece is very lovely though, and I like its breathy rhythm and clarity. Sometimes people get so caught up trying to make sure I "get" their piece that they end up muddying the waters with too much stuff. Like the proverbial bowl of porridge -- This piece is just right.

[crap]

really enjoyed this one, great flow, accomplishes well the difficult task of being personal yet very accessible at the same time. your voice is present, yet delightfully subtle. keep up the good work.

[*** Hey Jude***]

This is such a beautiful expression that shows the vigor of love. It feels almost exotic as I read the lines they flow gently to a perfect as you said
"Afterglow"
Very nice ~ Jude :-)

[Nymphadora]

inspiring... sensual and... hoT. LOL..

you are skillful in playing with words. It has an emotive effect.

keep it up.

[Pointblank]

You've done it again..beautifully written!

[JadedSparrow]

A wonderfully optamistic piece. I, unfortunatly have been robbed of the illusion this poem portays. I can only hope that you will not share my fate...