The Robbery

Looking for some solid criticism on this piece. Let me know what you think...

I don’t remember if he said it

Some hint of what would come

As I took the anesthetic

I barely remembered the gun

 

The feeling crept into my brain

Pushing back the one last sane

-notion

Of morality, escaping me

As I took the home made potion

 

I probably thought

It’d be the same

We’d drink some more

We’d play a game

Of poker where I’d win

Sleep deprived, once again

With the mix of whiskey and vicodin

 

So when I found us in the lobby

Of the bank- I had probably

Barely knew why the man had shot me

Unaware we were in a robbery

 

I hit the floor, the pain was clear

I grabbed my arm, full of fear

 

Bang-bang!

The shooter hit the floor

My buddy rushed beside me

While the other watched the door

 

He says “You okay?”

He looks afraid

But not as much as me

“F**k man! I got shot,

or maybe you didn’t see?”

 

He tells me then he has a plan and that I shouldn’t worry

Too late, bud, it better work

And your other friend had better hurry

 

He needs to quickly crack it

The door of the vault

Cuz if he doesn’t soon, I’ll shoot the dude

And say it’s all his fault

 

We wrap my arm, I look around

At the people on the ground

Huddled close, silently, without a single sound

F**k, we really messed up now

 

Who’s idea, had it been?

The dick who thought of this?

Not me, I know for sure

I barely knew where here is

Or where I was, or how I even got here

Last I knew, I’d been at home

Drinking another beer

 

This wasn’t new, I had a habit

In more ways than one

Every time I did this s**t

I was loading my own gun

 

I’m playing a game with death

But honestly, I didn’t see

Me ending my final breath

On the floor of a bank,

-With two bullets in my chest

 

I look upon the body, of the man who had shot me

Red stains upon the blue

-uniform he wore, he’d never had a clue

That today his life would end, he’d pay his final due

 

I find myself shaking, I’m losing my grip

Coming off the drugs, now ain’t this some s**t?

If only I’d OD’d maybe I could have slipped

Away from this life, with a semblance of respect

But look at me now, a criminal reject

Accomplice to a killing

Armed robbery, as well

Money and lives I’m stealing

To buy my place in hell

 

I stare upon a child,

He’s staring back at me

Tears in his eyes

I hope he didn’t see

Through the fingers of his mom

At the man now dead and gone

His blood upon the floor

This s**t has gone so wrong!

 

Outside the doors, I see the cars

Circling the bank

Lights flash, cops form

My heart suddenly sank

 

“The cops are here, we’re screwed” I yell

My friend shakes his head.

“F**k this man, I have a plan, we’re not going to jail!”

He stands to his feet, my heart begins to beat

My stress goes off the scale

Cuz at that time, he leaves behind,

any chance to stay from hell.

 

He grabs the child, his eyes are wild

The boy doesn’t make a sound

The mother says “take me instead!”

But he knocks her down, then spins around

A gun to the child’s head

 

“We’re taking the money, and the boy

-so don’t you try to follow!”

The cops outside, try to decide

If his threats are truly hollow

 

But I know the man, I know his plan

-he’ll never hesitate

I know right then, despite my sins

There’s no time to wait

 

I grab my gun, before he can run

I point it at my friend

“I’m sorry, bud, we’ve gone to far

You know we’ll never win”

 

His finger twitches and something switches

Off in my head

I pull the trigger, and so deliver

A bullet- now he’s dead

 

Tomorrow they decide my sentence

For how long I’ll spend in jail

I’ll take the time I’m given

Perhaps, I’ll be saved from my time in hell

Author's Note

Okay, once again this turned into something different about three stanzas in lol But once I caught onto where it was going, I had a lot of fun trying to form the ending. Let me know what you think ^^

Reviews

[b.platte]

Geez, this was terrific.

I get so lost in your poems in the best way. I don't know how you made this story just flow and rhyme at the same time, like it was meant to be.

What a wonderful gift you have. I don't know if you have or plan to publish any of your work, but I think you definitely should.

[MachinaWriter]

I find that with all my poems, the hard part is the first few lines. Once I get that out, the rest kinda just falls in place. Thanks again for the read ^^

[RachelReaper]

I'm always able to lose reality whenever I'm reading poems of yours, because they are all just woven together so beautifully. Another great job!

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ I'm glad you enjoyed it. That's the kind of compliment that makes me glad I write. It really means a lot ^^

[Muse]

A wicked stellar write.



Tomorrow they decide my sentence
For how long I’ll spend in jail
I’ll take the time I’m given
Perhaps, I’ll be saved from my time in hell

I still think Shake-spear said it best..there is no hell...all the devils are here.

Wonderful penning.

Muse

[MachinaWriter]

I agree with that sentiment. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate the review. ^^

[Muse]

welcome. :P

[*~*Butterfly Kisses*~*]

Well written and intriguing piece. I loved that it was written as some wild story and armed robbery. A different kind of read for me. Simply marvelous and imaginative. Great write.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ It was definitely a fun write and I'm glad you liked it :)

[Apatheia]

Gosh, I love this story and how it took the turn when he grabbed the little boy. Very detailed. Keep up the amazing work. :)

[MachinaWriter]

I'm glad you liked it. I always appreciate your reviews, so I was eager to see what you thought of this one.

[Sirius King]

wow, its like u wrote a movie scene in the form of poetry, best poem yet...loved it!
100/100

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ I had a lot of fun with this one. It took me by surprise a little bit, which is always great. When stories seem to appear like that, its almost as if it existed before I wrote it. As always, I appreciate your reviews ^^

[Belinda]

Ok, I love this. I love that you told a story. One I couldn't stop reading after I started! It was great. Really. Sad a bit maybe. But the image you wanted to come across did. The read was easy to follow, and so I say bravo!

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ A few of my poems tell stories, so feel free to give them a look and let me know what you think :) I'm glad you liked it.

[Belinda]

I sure will when I have time! you will know, cause I'll ofcourse leave my review!

[MachinaWriter]

Thanks much ^^ I'll be sure to do the same :)

[Kelsey]

Your stories through poetry are always so amazing. I didn't expect this ending at all, I really thought he'd shoot his friend and then himself, so it surprised me to see him take the sentence. Great job, as always. Your writing always keeps my attention.

[MachinaWriter]

I thought he would for a moment, too. But then I realized, he was worried about going to hell. And suicide takes you there, so he wouldn't really be redeeming himself. He killed his friend to save the boy and hopefully make up for his sins. Thanks for reading it ^^ I think its one of my longer ones. I have to say I'm pleased with it. Occasionally I like to brag about something, and there's one line in this that I liked the second I typed it up "Accomplice to a killing / Armed robbery, as well / Money and lives I'm stealing / To buy my place in hell" At that moment I realized what drove the character to make the decision he did. It was a realization for me.

But anyways, I'm glad you liked it ^^

[Kelsey]

That was my favorite line, too, strangely enough. It was a really great story with a great ending. I get what you mean, now.