the problem dumper.

"Never let your mind be a dump yard for other's garbage."

my fingers clutch upon a tiny thread, holding it desperately to not let it break,
I could be called the problem dumper.
everyone thought I was that easy to talk to,
maybe I was.
but the thread is loosely existing on the other side, and I see its yarn falling away,
before I let go,
and spiral down endlessly.
in a pit of my problems,
their problems,
our problems.
oh, they think I'm strong.
I'm anything but that.
I wear cloaks woven out of my own weaknesses, pulling the hood up to disguise myself and my tears,
it's a pity how they never learned to strengthen their core by facing their fears.
and so, they confide,
thinking I'd be ready with a solution.
alas, all I can ever give is assurance, and sympathy,
for their broken hearts and their tired minds, and their disturbed lives.
when I talk and smile? they think I'm strong.
they think I can either be unfazed or pitiful.
but oh, how wrong they are, assuming that nothing freezes my blood.
my tears are a fire bridge, and I have seen my scars burn until they don't hurt anymore.
I have seen myself cry till I can't cry anymore.
I have seen myself die till I can't die anymore.
it's humorous, funny.
but I can't expect anything more, they've been built that way.
and I don't take responsibility to change them.
so, you see me in a cloak on a sunny day,
down the street where all the people merrily meet.
as I listen to people and coax them to tranquility and happiness,
while my cloak hides the tear-stricken cheeks, and my bare feet burn above the problems of hell.

~M.

Reviews

[JayG]

• my fingers clutch upon a tiny thread, holding it desperately to not let it break, I could be called the problem dumper.

Several things worth noting, of the kind that the author won’t see.

1. Your first sentence (and others) is a comma splice, which is always to be avoided. Punctuation counts They’re two independent sentences and so must be shown that way.

2. You are not E. E. Cummings, so you need things like capitalization. The idea behind it and punctuation is to help the reader know exactly how you want the words read.

3. Ask yourself what these two sentences mean to the reader who just arrived, knowing nothing about you or your intent for how they are to take the words. They lack the context you take for granted, and so, need context as, or before the line is read. Remember, there can be no second, first-impression.

But here, you’ve made a statement about yourself, without providing context, or, a reason for the reader to want to know what caused you to make that statement.

Remember, poetry isn’t us telling others about what matters to us. The reader—who knows not the smallest thing about you—doesn’t have reason to care…unless you give them one that makes them say, "Hmm...tell me more."

In this, you're giving effect without known cause. But doesn’t cause always precede effect? Isn't it necessary if we're to understand that effect?

• everyone thought I was that easy to talk to, maybe I was.

Everyone? I’m part of everyone? Remember, at this point, the reader doesn’t know who we are, where we are, or the smallest thing about what led to this. And again, the reader doesn’t care about our life unless we make them care. And all you’re doing is, in effect, saying, “Woe is me.”

Here’s the thing. The goal of our our schooldays writing was reporting—talking TO the reader, as you do here. That's great as an approach when writing a report, which has informing the reader as its goal. But readers come to poetry seeking to be moved emotionally. They don’t want you to tell them you cried, or even why. They want your words to make THEM weep. They want emotion-based writing, with that emotion being what you evoke in them.

There’s a LOT to poetry that’s not obvious. Rhyming, for example, isn’t something you drop in, here and there, now and then. If you use rhyming you need to make use of the techniques that have literally been centuries in the refining. And given that they taught us none of those tricks in school, they must be acquired. After all, they offer poetry-related degrees. And surely some of what’s taught there is necessary. Right?

So, some suggestions I think you’ll like.

For all things poetic, you cannot beat Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. The lady is brilliant, and will tell you unexpected things—things you’d never look for on your own—like why, and when to use the word rock, instead of stone. You can download a mostly readable copy from the address below, but you will probably want your own copy.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

In the matter of structured poetry, the excerpt, on Amazon, from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, is wonderful at showing the flow of language, and introducing the techniques of prosody, which are at the very core of things poetic.

So, I’m certain you weren’t hoping for something like this. But the problem isn’t one of talent. So since we’ll not address the problems we don’t see as being problems, I thought you would want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Margaret]

Thank you for your review. I will reflect on what you said and suggested.

[Dennis Wolf]

Problems are there to be solved I guess


https://youtu.be/mmszv0jpvSY


Cheers

[Margaret]

they indeed are. thanks for your review.

[Margaret]

feel free to share your views!