Apology (haiku)

my love-hate relationship with winter. I love the skies, day and night, in winter they are intense and pure; hate the cold, brrrrr!

 arctic moonless night

glitzy celestial jewels

winter's atonement

Author's Note

a re-vert to my original. I Like this version better

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Oh, Mary,
I love it, and the imagery soars in mind, heart, and soul sooo nicely!
The Haiku and Senryu forms have been among the most challenging for me to master, and I theorize it is that (although, they are short, and perhaps, because) they require such perfection to sing with purity.
Techy stuff: Consider your L1, for instance: The topic of it is "arctic night" and the description is "moonless" (as L2 is "celestial jewels" correctly described as "glitzy"), yet you have it reversed in L1; whereas I read it "moonless arctic night", which, also, to my poetic ear flows with greater ease. This form requires no punctuation; thus, "winter atonement" says the same thing. I love the word "celestial" which is the perfect core imagery. L2, the count is short (celes'chel), and "glitzy" feels sharp-pointed; consider "glinting" or "gleaming", or some-such.
Regardless, this beautiful Haiku virtually swims throughout the senses with gentle wonderment.
You inspire us, Mary, as you amaze and thrill …
thank you ever-so warmly and gratefully, for the magical moment's pleasure! ⁓ Richard

[Mary]

Richard, Thanks so much for your input- I agree, line 1 wording is reversed, and will fix this today. As for glitzy- I was looking for a word that implied "over the top bling." Any suggestions? L2: I thought celestial had 3 syllables, aren't there supposed to be 7 syllables? I always appreciate your reviews, and again, thanks!.

[Richard🖌]

Well, snow "glints", so "glinting" would do it for me, but you might consider,

moonless arctic night
glint bright celestial jewels
winter atonement

You are so very welcome, Mary! : )

[Mary]

If it's ok, I will probably take you up on your modifications. glint bright really works well. I also think taking the ' out of winter improves the sound of the poem when read aloud. again, Richard, much gratitude!
Mary ;-)

[Richard🖌]

"Okay" did you say?
Why, Mary dear, don't you know you so honor and pleasantly surprise me by accepting my little hints that I am dancing all inside. ; )
Thank you, Sweet Lady-Poet!

[J. J. Nightingale]

Beautiful............... Well described..

Jazz

[Eileenws]

You paint a great picture of winter and your love hate relationship. I like the moon and the stars contrast. I found six syllables in the second line, but maybe I'm reading it wrong. Nicely done. Keep up the good work.

[Mary]

thanks for the review. In New England, jewels has two syllables, but I suppose the line could have 6 syllables, depending on where you come from.

[Eileenws]

My experience with syllable contests is that the judges can be picky about things like that. One time I was asked to rewrite something because the word had different pronunciations, thus changing the syllable count.

[Mary]

Thanks for the heads up ... I will rethink the jewel thing. If you have a suggestion for a replacement, i'm open to ideas.

[RachelReaper]

"glitzy celestial jewels", painted an incredibly vivid image for me. And that's what snow is, kind of. Its pretty, it sparkles in the sun, but it also leaves so quickly. Beautiful haiku!!!!

[Mary]

thanks Rachel

[RachelReaper]

:)

[william keepers]

Nice! So much more to this then one would expect from 17 syllables. I understand "atonement" as the "undoing" of what no longer serves us. Winter always serves us of course as it "undoes" this through beauty and pain to give birth, or perhaps rebirth to the pure and innocent. This is an outstanding haiku Mary!

[Audrey Howitt]

I love this--especially--"winter's atonement"

[Corset]

it's perfection, in every way imho, I get the feeling of standing under the star filled heavens mesmerized by the cold vastness of glittering space.

[Mary]

thank you for your kind review.

[Mark]

oh... I read this after reading the one on snowflakes!!! ROFL sorry

[Mark]

I think you've got the form down! description, description, conclusion. Nicely done, the only possible criticism I have is the word 'glitzy', and it's a minor problem. Fix that and this is a perfect Haiku IMO

[Mary]

thanks for the review, Mark. I understand what you are sayingI wanted to find a word that meant more than simply sparkly, something implying almost gaudy, a word that cries out look at me! see I'm bright! That's why I chose the word. I'll look at some other choices to see how they fit. Suggestions welcome always.

[Mark]

well then , I apologize. The idea of snowflakes being gaudy just didn't occur to me. Now that you've explained I see where I should have thought about it a little before writing that. :)

[Mary]

he he he. the gaudiness I was writing about were stars... boy I still have lots to learn about this wonderful poetry style. Thanks again, Mark