Nightime

This is my view on what happens sometimes at night at my house

The sun slowly slinks down, onto the awaiting horizon

A force to be reckoned with

One portraying a beautiful portrait of colors

Each representing a different tranquil sin

Forced to repeat it's tedious process

Day after day, after day

 

The moon sidles up to the darkening sky

light, like a dusty curtain

waiting to be pushed aside, idly by the dawn of a new night

Animals begin their nightly decent

Taking the life of thier pray

Survival is priority in this world

 

Tiny wisps of smoke float gently up from midnight fires

Expanding into nothingness

Each a fragment of memories, talks, soon to be forgotten

Fire crackles, laughing at the sin crowded Earth

Just another night, soon turned to day

Thats all there is in this world

 

Reviews

[Kari]

Wow, I really liked this. The imagery is really good. Great job!

[Nicholas Hallows]

You have some great imagery and language in this poem.

waiting to be pushed aside, idly by the dawn of a new night - really like this line.

Great job!

NH

[Travis Lawrence]

This has tons and tons of potential. I think it needs some revision though, so here's my honest critique with the way I would revise the stanza in quotes.

"The sun slowly slinks down
Awaiting horizon
A force of beautiful portraits and colors
Of tranquil sins
Forced into this tedious process
Day after day, after day"
-- I took out "to be reckoned with" as it is cliche. I also took out "represent" and "portray" because, good poetry shows this to the reader, while you are telling it. The third line here says it all, "a force of beautiful portraits and colors." As for the rest of my changes, I just cut out the words I felt were unnessecary.

"The moon sidles up to the darker sky
Light, like a dusty curtain
That waits to be pushed aside, idly by the dawn of a new night
Animals begin their nightly decent
And take the life of thier prey
Survival is priority in this world"
-- Didn't change much, but I got rid of the "ing" words, because I think verbs are stronger without the "ing" at the end. Also, you misspelled "prey" in the original. Unless you were going for a play on words, which would be cool...

"Tiny wisps of smoke float gently up from midnight fires
Expand into nothingness
Fragments of memories, talks, soon to be forgotten
Fire crackles and laughs at the sin crowded Earth
Just another night, soon turned to day
That's all there is in this world"
-- Again I got rid of the "ing"s. Also, you meant to say "that is" in the last sentance, so throw in the apostrophe and your cool.

I hope you like this version, but it's your poem so do what you will! Have a nice day!

-Travis

[Shadows of Sight]

As humanity sleeps, nature's creatures come out to prowl. I liked your imagery on this. It flowed well and touched things that most people never even look at.

Great Write! :)

[Seriana]

A lovely poem. Your use of colorful words is refreshing. Keep it up!

[Brenda Sue]

I love this, observing the world that we get too busy to stop and see. There is a few misspelled words but the poem is great . Wonderfully penned. Great job.

[robin]

hmmm, tranquil sin and a "sin crowded" world, tedium indeed, so if the poems author is looking for a break to the tedium of lukewarm sins in a sin crowded earth, where then does she find a hotter sin and what place does she find less crowded. This poem is like a mind trap. It's seductive, like a "bored" date (aka she's not bored, she's falling in love/lust). What force is to be reckoned with...

I actually liked this poem and the wisdom it imparts through a few words it presents. It is an observation of what we do see and the prevalent situations observed, however minute and unnoticed.

[Idle Thoughtz]

I loved this piece, its wonderful