September 23, 2015

Josh, my brother, asked me to go to the mall with him today.

I usually don't like to go to the mall. Too many people.. Too much going on around me for me to handle.

But, this morning when he asked I didn't get that throat clogging, mind spinning feeling that I would get.

Just thinking of being surrounded by people, the thought of people seeing me.. watching me..

What if they go to my school, or live in my neighborhood, or one of Josh's friends and remembers me.

None of these things crossed my mind today.

Despite my condition, I try to live my youth years as happily as I can.

I try not to let it defeat me.

So when these things did not cross my mind, and this feeling did not come over me, I took it as a sign.

A sign that maybe I could be "normal" one day.. Just maybe I could have friends, and people from school will ask to have a sleep over or movie night at my house..

A "regular" youth.. where I don't have to constantly look over my shoulder to see who's looking, or if anyone is looking at all..

I wonder if the other kids at school look at me as weird or different..

I wonder if they notice me at all..

I'd rather them not.

I felt the opposite for some odd reason, on this day I was invited to the mall.

I felt fine, okay, normal. I felt like nothing was wrong.. I felt that no one would look at me like a freak or weirdo.

I felt fine.

So, I say yeah and by his facial expression I knew he was surprised, but happy. He, just as well as I, wanted to see how things would turn out. We get into his car and we pull up to the mall.

So many cars in the parking lot, that means it's so many people in the mall..

Though this thought came to me, I didn't feel the need to turn around and go back into my room, somewhere alone, where I can be me, not be afraid to be me..

I was sort of indifferent about it at this time. Indifferent isn't such a familiar feeling to me.. this whole day was something new. I felt brand new.

We go into the mall and there are people everywhere. Kids with their parents, adults together, business-dressed people, young and old couples.. kids by themselves, teenagers.. I wonder if anyone from my school will see me and yell out "THERE'S THAT FREAK IN MY ENGLISH CLASS!" and everyone in the mall will burst out in laughter.

Everyone, meaning everyone. the kids that are with their parents, the kids that are alone, the adults, the other teens, even Josh..

The feeling is coming over me, bubbles in my stomach.. Mind is racing with every possible worst-case scenario. I wonder if anyone notices.. I wonder if they can look at my face and see that there is something wrong..

I wonder if my walk says "I'm about to pass out in the middle of a mall surrounded by the world's population."

I wonder if anyone even cares.

They'll go about their day, calling relatives and friends, "some teen just collapsed in the middle of the mall. No one knows what happened to her, no one was touching her from what everyone is saying. But yeah, nothing huge. How's the goldfish doing? Did you feed them? Are you sure the fish tank is clean? Oh, and take the trash out for me."

They don't care about me.

They wouldn't care if I went out of my misery here today right in this public place.

I was so wrapped up into my own thoughts that I could hear nothing Josh was saying but apparently he made a joke and noticed how I didn't laugh.

He looks over and I could see on his face that he could see everything in my head, on my face..

He noticed.. He knew.. He could tell.. Josh didn't even have to ask me if anything was wrong for him to know that something wasn't right.. He could just tell that quick.. He knew me.. He noticed me..

He actually noticed..

And the next thing I remember is being shaken awake by Josh, with strangers and what looked like security or police officers standing around..

Too many people.. Too much attention on me.. Too much going on.. Too many people noticing me.. I'm no longer invisible. They'll all know about my condition now.. They will think I'm dumb, stupid and look at me as something far from human.. I can't take the pressure.. I can't..

I don't remember anything except waking up in a hospital bed with Josh sitting in a chair next to me staring at me..

The first thing he had done when he saw my eyes open was take a deep breath and smile..

Another day, another defeat..

Just me on a normal day, attempting to overpower anxiety. 

Author's Note

written from the perspective of a teenage female who has really bad anxiety when she's around too many people.
TELL ME WHAT YOU GUYS THINK!!

Reviews

[Richard Patrick]

take it easy on yourself. There are days when we get up in the morning. Then decide it might have been better to have stayed in bed. What is that person saying, Is it in reference to me. Is it? You wonder unsure. Each of us feels that way, but if we lay in bed all day, what have we done. Given up. Never give up. Storm ahead into the breech, the path is clear. If we desire for it to be.

Believe you are strong, you can move and think. Somethings can't. How did the paper you read come to be there. By someone writing it. Another person typing it. Than carrying it to the editor who goes through it. There is only one you, that person is important too.

Believe, you are and you will be. All you have to do is believe, what can happen. You make a mistake, we all do. I have seen a business woman go to the bath room, pull up her pantyhose and put her skirt there. It happens to everyone. Mistakes are made. How do we learn, by making mistakes. Some big, some small.

We learn, don't we all.

[Tamika Finley]

you're exactly right. If we never try, we never know, and if we never know, the "what if" feeling will always be there. If we never try, we will never grow. We have to refuse to allow anything given to us with this life, tear us up and hold us down. We must be willing to lose in order to make attempts. You understand completely. We shall stand up to life completely, despite what it tends to throw beneath our feet to trip is up. We can't give up. Never give up. :)

Thanks for your review :)