If You Were Here

At this moment,

if you were with me

you have no idea

how happy I’d be.

The things I would tell you,

the things I would say,

you would finally know

if you weren’t far away.

If you walked in the door,

I want you to know 

I’d give you a hug 

and I wouldn’t let go. 

I’d give you a kiss,

your lips I would feel,

I’d pull you closer

so I’d know you were real.

I wish you were here,

but I know that it’s true

that all I can do

is just miss you.

Reviews

[Amanda Trerotola]

I enjoyed the simplicity in your words. Well done!

[emipoemi]

a sad and soulful poem. Well constructed, well weaved, well done!

[Aethereal]

This is an easy flowing relationship poem with exact rhymes. It would flow even better if you added meter to this poem whereby all accents and non-accents were aligned. Also add some metaphors that reinforce your relationship with another person.

[MeganRuth]

thanks for the critique! However I like the simplicity of it, and I don't think metaphors are necessary.

[Aethereal]

Doing as I suggested would actually have made it simpler because metaphors say more with fewer words than direct expressions, and meter forces us to economize our lines. As an example I rewrote your third verse using a metaphor and /0/0/ five syllable meter where / is an accent and 0 is a non-accent: You may have this verse as a gift to keep as your own:

If you changed your mind
and returned to me,
you'd be my honey
and I'd be your tea.

[Wolfwind]

A nice flowing poem. It's always hard when someone you care about is far away. I felt your ink conveyed a message of positive emotions that was easily relatable.

Nice ink!
Aaron

[MeganRuth]

thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)