A Piece of Life

My life is a stupid piece in this world. My life is a trash. Dirty, unjust, unusual, ugly, and full of stupidity… full of dull moments.

My happiness… When will I experience such a thing? When will I be happy?

Everything around me is nonsense, dull and nothing. Sometimes, while I am having a talk with God, I asked Him. "What is my purpose here? Why am I here?"

I am just a piece of an existence. I don't live, I merely exist. And, I am telling you, existing is not fun. My existence is nothing. I am a real definition of nothing. I am like a dust, existing, nothing to do, I am just here, for no reason.

I looked at her. She's crying but, I don't care. She is a piece of s**t, a piece of me.

"Kylie, your baby is crying." My friend, Jasper, said. I don't need his reminders of the baby. I am aware of her existence. But, I don't care about her. "Kylie, could you please take care of your daughter?" He asked. I ignored him, like I always do. Why would I?

"If you can endure the pain on your hungry stomach, well your baby couldn’t. I’ll cook for you.” He said again. He is irritating the hell out of me. The hell he cares? He is just my friend. I am just watching the show on our television, ignoring the fact that my daughter is crying. The show has more sense than her.

"Kylie, I am done. I’ll take care of her, and you should eat your dinner now." He said again and again. He placed the baby on his arms. He gave her a bottle of milk, and the baby ceased crying. Good thing. "Kylie, please? Eat something." We exchanged glances. I don't want to eat. But still, I can't say no to Jasper.

"Kylie, I gave baby Kyper to my mom. Can we please go outside and breathe some fresh air." He said while smiling gently. I don't care about the baby. Kill her right now I won't really give a damn. "Okay." I answered. It's been a year since I saw the world. I am just here in my house, watching, eating, taking a bath, sleeping and nothing.

I brushed my teeth and took a bath. I wore a simple tee and a pair of pants. "Shall we?" He asked. I just nodded as an answer. We locked the door. It's already six in the evening and we are heading to our favorite place. Well, nothing is special in there.

After an hour and a half of travelling, we are finally here in our destination. "Are you cold?" He asked me. I gave him a shrugged.

"Look Kylie, look how beautiful the world is." He said while pointing at the lights from the houses, to the view from a far. "Kylie, when will you get out of that cage? I’ve been waiting for you to stop locking yourself up in that jail you created." He said meaningfully.

"You could remove that chain." He said again, I diverted my look to the view in front of me.

I don't want to get out.

"You are just afraid. You are afraid to get out because you are too used to the chains that are stopping you to move and be free." Yes, he is right. I am afraid to get out. I don't know what I want to do so I can't get out. I want to stay because I am afraid of the sudden change in events. My cyclic life will change, but I don't know if I really want to change it.

"You are limiting yourself so much. Remember that you are stronger than the walls around you." I am not firm. I am nothing but a person who exists.

"I don't want to get out," I said in a low voice. He gave me a beam.

"Do you want to be happy?" I'm flabbergasted. I want to be happy, but I don't know how to.

"Yes." I answered honestly. Everyone wants to be happy. But they don't know which way is the right way to happiness. Because at the first place, they really don't know which way they are facing. They do not know what will happen when they'll take the road. I am confused between what I want and what is right.

"Then, get out. I will help you." He said.

"Jasper, why are you doing this? You shouldn’t do this," I said and he just gave me a beam… a fraudulent beam. "This isn't your responsibility. I don't oblige you to do this. Could you please stop?" His grin turned into a frown. His face became serious, his emotion changed.

"I don’t want to stop. I am afraid of what might happen to your baby." He said in a very low voice.

"You shouldn’t care about my daughter!" I shouted. I am not angry, I feel so damn useless (Well, I really am). I don't need someone. I'm aware that I am not a good person, not even a good mother. People that exist (like me) will never be good unless they live.

"I am also concerned with you!" I took a step backward. I was shocked because of his sudden tone. He has never been this angry not until today.

"You have nothing to worry about me, Jasper! I am a piece of s**t! A piece of a trashy paper! You don't have to do all those s***s!" I shouted again. This trip shouldn't be like this. But the guilt inside me is killing me slowly. Jasper has his own life. He is living (unlike me). His life is a damn fantasy! His life is my fantasy. He has everything… everything that I will never have.

Love

Money

Happiness

Houses

Friends

Parents

And life...

Those things… I will never experience them, again. I am miserable and nothing.

"I want to do this Kylie. Do not shut me down." His voice broke. I am stunned.

He suddenly knelt in front of me, with tears in his eyes, biting his lips to prevent himself from a deep pain.

"Please Kylie, I want to stay." He held my hands tightly.

"Please let me." He cried without minding how messed-up he is right now.

"I would do everything, just please, let me." He whispered in a very low voice, to the point that I can't even hear it clearly.

"Please, Kylie?"

"I'll stay." He looked directly in my eyes. Still, tears are flowing, non-stop.

"Please, I want to stay so bad." I reached out his face, I wiped his tears, but because of his unstoppable tears, nothing happened.

"Please..."

"Jasper..." My tears escaped my eyes. I can't hold it back anymore. I just want to tell him these words.

"Get out of my life." And with that I left him.

Kneeling… Crying…

Flashback

 

My mom died because of a car accident, my dad died because of a disease. My siblings were killed by an unknown guy.

I witnessed their death.

I was driving my mom's car and she is on the passenger seat. I don't know how to drive, but I am trying. I really want to learn how to drive and my mom said she’d teach me. So she did. I was so happy when I started the car. We are talking about school stuff when a truck suddenly appeared in front of us. I was able to avoid it but because of nervousness, instead of stepping on the break I stepped on the gas.

140km/h

I panicked and the next thing is I am inside our car, covered with bloods. I looked at my left and saw my mom. Blood is all over my mom's body. I was not able to move. I did nothing but to cry. I looked at the lifeless body beside me and howled in pain.

I killed my mom… I am the reason why she died.

Few days after, my dad suddenly fell out of nowhere. Holding his chest and asking for help. All I did was to cry and look at him. On my father’s funeral, an unknown man sent us a letter, more like a threat.

‘This is the end of you. I’m going to kill all of your family members.' It states. I do not care. Our family has already fallen. I lost the most important treasure I have.

Two days after, I heard four gunshots. I went out to see what happened. I saw my siblings lying down on the floor. Blood are scattered all over their faces. It seems like all of my feelings ceased to be visible. I became numb at the moment. Using my parent’s money, my neighbor assists their funerals. I just watched.

They left me alone.

One day, an unknown person visited me in our house. He asked if I could sign this certain paper he was holding. I didn’t even read it and just sign it. After that, they forcefully took our house, our car and all of our properties. And for the second time, I was left alone… All by myself.

I decided to just stop this mess I did. I decided to stop living. I am a useless piece of human trying to breathe even if everything is suffocating me. I’m tired of making myself believe that I could survive and surpass all of this. I’m sure that I would eventually die because of hunger and anything.

Well, no one likes to adopt me… They believe that I am having this certain curse.

I took a rope and tied it around a tree branch. I took a step and another step. But even before my soul leaves my body my legs were wrapped in someone’s arms. Trying to lift me up, trying to save my soul.

Jasper...

Jasper saved my world. He gave me a house, a house that only I could live, a house where I wouldn’t feel so alone.

He showed me how beautiful survival is. He showed me the positive side of life.

And I believed him. Once again, I experience what life really is.

Jasper and I became best of friends. One day, I decided to visit Jasper in his house. They live in a huge subdivision; however, I think it’s a bit sad to live in a place where your neighbor is 20 meters away from you. What if they need help? I think no one could hear them shouting.

I went inside and to my surprise, today was the maid and guards day off. All lights are off but I still went inside.  I saw his dad and I smiled at him. We are a little close and I see him as my second dad. I asked him about Jasper’s whereabouts. He said that Jasper is inside his room so we went there.

However, Jasper is not there. I heard a click sound, as if someone locked the door. I looked at Jasper’s dad and he is looking intently at me. Nervousness is all over my system.

He slowly walked towards me. I walked back and was cornered in Jasper’s bed. He pushed me hard and held my arms. I resisted his touch and tried to fight back. I am so afraid that I couldn’t even move.

I shouted even if I know that no one could hear my howls. I cried and cried I feel so hopeless. I pleaded at him. I’m begging him not to touch me. Nevertheless, nothing happened, he didn’t listen.

The scent of alcohol is all over the place, trying to dig into my systems. When my body felt weak, all I did is to whisper and cry. Why is this happening?

He touched me. He harassed me. He removed all the dignity I have in myself. He owned my body. And I didn’t do anything to stop him. I didn’t try to get the vase beside me because my body couldn’t move. I didn’t hurt him because he tied a rope all over my body. He went inside me not just once, not even twice. I just let him do that thing to me, I just watched because I couldn’t fight.

When he passed asleep, all I could do is cry. I couldn’t move and he is still on top of me. I couldn’t breathe. The particular feeling I felt in past is coming back at me. That feeling is hunting me again.

I lost my family, I lost my body.

The door suddenly went wide open, I saw Jasper hurrying towards us. I saw how shocked he is. Anger started to burn his system when he saw his father above me. He saw how devastated my body is, I was bleeding with bruises and wounds all over my body.

He ran towards us and punched the human above me.

“What did you do to Kylie, you a*****e?!” He shouted. He looked like a demon torturing a human being. I watched them because watching is all that I could do.

I saw bloods all over that human’s face.

"You f*****g b*****d!" His dad immediately ran away. A tear fell again, and again.

I stood up after Jasper covered my body and removed the rope around me. I walked away. It feels like my soul left my body and I do not have any will to live. I cannot feel anything except for one thing; sorrow.

Jasper followed me and guides me inside his car.

"Kylie," he carefully whispered.

"I'm sorry." He said. All I did was to look at him like a silly skeleton,

When I went home, I immediately closed the door. Not minding the fact that Jasper is standing outside my house �"� his house rather.

After a few weeks, I feel so sick. I vomited every morning and whenever I feel I have to. I feel so different. Well, I do not care maybe this is because I do not have any time to eat. I am so busy with nothing.

Well, how could I even forget what that b*****d did? I could still feel how useless my body is.

After five months, my tummy became so big. I do not want to think that I am pregnant with a demon’s child. That would not happen. I just think that I have a specific disease and I am would die any moment.

I went to a doctor to confirm when my death is. But the cliché fact unfolds.

“You are four months and three weeks pregnant, congratulations!”

I punched my tummy, it hurts but I do not care. This should not happen.

I am so tired of everything. I do not want to make myself believe that I still have a purpose in the world. I do not want to make myself believe that this world is indeed beautiful. I’m tired of making myself a fool.

I went to the kitchen and took a knife. I need to stop this. I do not want this child to be born. This is a result of my failures.

I cut my stomach, but the cut is not that deep to kill the child inside me, it could only kill me.

I am the reason why my mom died; I did nothing when my father is asking for help. I didn’t do anything to protect my siblings. And now, look at me, trying to kill an innocent child.

I am a useless human being… a human being with a lot a sins carrying in her back. I have to end my sins and that would only happen if I would end my life too.

I slammed the knife against my stomach again, but the door went open.

"Kylie!" He shouted. He immediately took the knife away from me when he noticed the blood on my stomach.

"What are you doing with yourself?!" He held me in his arms and we went to his car.

"Kylie, forgive me if I was not there to support and comfort you. I had a lot of things to do. I’m sorry." He said while driving. I just looked at my bleeding stomach.

"I put my dad in jail, Kylie. It took months because you are not there to testify, but I did my best." I didn’t feel anything.

Jasper held my hand when we got to the hospital. He looked at my stomach and shots of guilt and pain attacked him.

"Yes Jasper, I’m pregnant and your dad is the father.” I said confirming his thoughts. Tears streamed down his face. "Kylie, I’m sorry." He said while crying. I didn’t bother to look at him.

He shouldn’t be sorry. His apology wouldn’t fix my life.

As soon as I got out of the hospital, Jasper never leaves my side. He gives everything I want even if I do not ask for it.

"Don’t you have any work, how about life?" I asked.

"Kylie, you are more important than those." I didn’t answer back. I know that I am not the one who’s important for him, it is the child inside this fucked up stomach.

How I wish that this child would die.

When I labored, it was so painful. I do not want to bear this child anymore. But because of Jasper’s smiles, I couldn’t do anything but to endure the pain.

When I woke up, I saw Jasper beside me holding a newborn child. He looks so happy while looking at the baby. However, I could only see a demon in his arms.

The scars of memories nine months ago came back.  I didn’t notice that I was crying. I want to kill the child.

"I named her Kyper," He said when he saw me. He held my hand and smiled at me.

"I would always be by your side."

End of Flashback

“I would always be by your side.”

I had been holding onto his words. But now that I chose to let him go, I think I should do what I should have done in the past.

I’ve made my decision.

I should end this.

"Kylie, Kyper is here." Jasper’s mom said while knocking at the front door. I smiled at her and closed the door after getting the child.

I looked at her. Jasper wouldn’t be beside us any longer. Since Jasper wouldn’t be here, you don’t have any reason to live. No one would love you and would take care of you. I think it is better to end your life here. I would end your life so that you wouldn’t experience what I have experienced. I went to the kitchen and get a knife. Before going to that child, I did what I should have done years ago. When I did, I slowly walked towards Kyper while holding my stomach.

"Kyper, you should thank me." I said while smiling sweetly. I wouldn’t be able to take care of her so I should just do this.

I cut her face and her cries echoed the whole room. I smiled at her. She would just feel this pain now, but after that she wouldn’t be able to feel anything. She wouldn’t be able to feel life.

I cut her arms and pointed the knife on her chest. I slowly cut her chest, but not to the point that it would cut her heart. I still want to see her for a few seconds.

I took a deep breath before killing her.

 

But, my savior went to the scene again.

Jasper...

"Kylie," horror is evident on his face. He forcefully took the knife away and held Kyper in his arms. All I did is look at them and hold my stomach.

"Kylie, why did you do this?" He asked.

"What are you doing this?" I whispered.

"Kylie, this is my life and I could be the only one to dictate it!" He shouted and I could feel his anger towards me.

"Look at what you did!” He shouted again.

I hugged me. Between us is a bleeding child.

"Kylie..." He was shocked when he noticed what I did to myself. He looked at my stomach and saw the knife tucked in it.

I gave him my sweetest smile before crashing on the cold floor.

 

I woke up and Jasper’s smile welcomed me.

“Why are you so hardheaded? Remember when I told you that I would always be by your side." He said while smiling.

"Why do you have to be like this, Jasper?"

"It’s because I love you, Kylie." My tears streamed down my face. After three years, I am happy to hear those words again. I am glad to feel the love again.

"I love you and Kyper." I smiled and looked at my daughter. If I were my mom, I know she wouldn’t do this to her child. She wouldn’t even think of killing her. How could I do that to this innocent child in front of me?

"Sorry Kyper. I’m so sorry." I said and held her. Jasper hugged the both of us.

"Kylie," I looked at him. He took out a red box outside his pants and knelt in front of me.

"Kylie, I’ve been dying to ask you this. Could I be the father of Kyper?"

"Jasper, she is your sister. You couldn’t be the father of your sister." I cried when the painful reality hit my face.

"Kylie, if you say yes, she wouldn’t be my sister anymore. I do not care if she is my sister or not, I want her to be my daughter and that would happen, right?” He said while tightly holding my hands.

"Would you let be Kyper’s father?" His eyes are full of hopes.

I feel so happy and loved.

Now, I wouldn’t just be someone who merely exists. There would be a reason why should I live and continue my days in Earth. I have a reason to be who I am again.

"Kylie, will you marry me?" He is holding a diamond ring and smiling gently.

I gave him a smile.

"Yes, Jasper, I will."